In-laws moving next door

[Lotsofluv]

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

Just dont give them a spare key, imagine them letting themselves in!

Excellent idea about the plants,get them planted :)

I think it's time for really loud and ostentatious orgasms. Now. With your vibrator, not your useless husband

You are going to need to move. But to get to the point where your husband ends up agreeing with that, I'm afriad you are going to have to be willing to come down hard.

Change, right now, the way you engage. So they're coming down lots. You need to start showing them how it WILL be when they move. Firstly, get a ring doorbell so you can see who it is. Then- don't answer if you don't feel like it. If they call - sorry, I wasn't dressed. Be out. Be busy. Don't apologise for it. Then, when Words start to be had, you look astonished and say 'But, you're going to be living here now. It's not like a visit. We're all busy. We can't stop what we are doing every five minutes, as if it's the same as seeing people who live an hour away. It's going to be very different.

And you stick with that line. Yes they will get upset. They will grumble. And you smile sweetly at your DH and say 'Well I did tell you it would be a bad idea them moving here. It's so much nicer to be able to go for proper visits to see family, to have nice times - not have them breathing down your neck, when you inevitably both never live up to expectations.'

I agree by the way that this might have been discussed with your H, even if only in passing, as a 'we're getting older... we'll need help' thing. You MUST get out of this - you absolutely have to be moved, or them moved, before the question of care comes up. Because guess who is earmarked for doing it? That's right - you - which is why your H would not have breathed a word to you if they did speak to him in this vein.

So. Starting now, you make sure that their needs, wants, issues - are HIS problem. They want help with shopping? No problem, call DH. Always have an excuse, always have something else you are doing. When pulled up, look baffled - 'But I wouldn't want to get in the way of your relationship/it's your son's place surely/I know you'd want to be the one to be main carer for your parents, of course' (baffled look)

Hold this line and pretty soon, the thought of his aged parents next door won't make your DH feel all warm and happy that it's allll sorted out, but will give him the knot of anxiety at the thought of years of running around after them that most WOMEN end up being the ones to enjoy. And if it comes to it, you tell him straight. 'No, I am not going to be a carer for your parents. I was never consulted about them moving here in terms of care and if you did have that in mind, well you should have checked it out with me - that ball is FIRMLY in your lap, and I made it clear I was not happy about the move.'

Start as you mean to go on, right from a quick hello and sorry we are busy, see you soon - the next time they come down.

And when it's sunk in with your H, he'll be only too happy to house-hunt.

I agree with fizzy, yo' gotta getcha move on gurrrrl....but leave your twat husband where he is. Twat.

STRONG boundaries. And you have to get over caring what they think or this will ruin your life.

You're not being unreasonable not wanting them to move in next door but you are definitely unreasonable to have allowed it to get to this stage before doing anything about it !

Oh dear God. Even if they're really nice, I feel for you, privacy & doing your own thing without fearing constant interruptions is so important . I'd prob make sure the catch is always down & the back door locked:& have blinds or voile for any windows they could see in. Maybe have a set dinner once a week to cut down other visits.

@Lotsofluv

I suggest you have a firm talk with your DH. There is no way your PIL decided to buy the house without having had some discussion with your DH first. His very dismissive attitude stinks.

Also, within that talk, make it very clear to your DH that you will NOT be assuming the role of unpaid carer. A) no one has even had any decency to discuss this with you, and B) what about your own parents? You won't be dealing with both sets.

Graphista's post earlier is a good one to take note of. Why have your PIL decided to move now? Is there something you've not been told about their health, for example?

But yes, short of moving or divorcing, getting those plants, awning and other ideas for privacy, and not dropping what you are doing just because they want entertaining are certainly a start in creating boundaries. If they do start coming round a lot, keep calling tour DH to deal with them. Once their visits start to impact on him, he might begin to understand your worries.

Your DH needs a hefty reminder that your feelings matter. He was being dismissive of your feelings and that isn't good. You have the grandchildren, of course your PIL are going to want to be involved in everything.

I think your DH is complicit in this. Is he an only child? He is quite happy with the idea and doesn't get why you don't like it.

It's strange to me that they'd move next door without consulting you both first. Seems pushy and thoughtless.

The problem may come when they knock on the door and you don't want them in but your DH does. They can easily say "oh, we'll just see our son/grandkids then ..you carry on doing what you're doing".

If your DH has grown up in an 'open door' house what's he like about unannounced visitors and people imposing now? You absolutely have to be singing off the same hymn sheet on this one or it will drive a wedge between you.

Make sure they don’t get given a key when they finally move in (and don’t accept one for their house or they’ll simply expect one for yours as standard).

Oooof fuck that idea right out the window OP

(In response to the thread title as NRTWT)

At least you’ve got time to think about all of this before they actually move in. So use this time and think about what is acceptable (and not!) to you - the entire situation will only work for you if you firmly establish (and clearly vocalise) boundaries from the minute they move in.
Start as you mean to go on and be firm from the beginning. Rehearse what to say nicely and include concerns about THEIR privacy and independence, they mustn’t feel they must include you if family or friends visit THEM, etc. You don’t have to make a speech, it can be done while busy making a cuppa, but I suspect it will need reinforcing. You may have to invent being busy, tied up, out, etc. at the beginning when they may want to ask lots of questions about local stuff, so you’ll need to keep your distance. You can also make it clear that you’re not one of those people who can cope with anyone, regardless of how close a friend or family member, visiting without any notice - and keep them at arms length by getting in to a habit of texting perhaps.
Obviously, you know them and yourself so hopefully, if you communicate this tactfully and resist any efforts from them to override those boundaries, things will settle down amiably.
The fact that it’s not occurred to them, and your DH, that you might feel concerned about this makes me think you’ll have to be clear and firm from the start.
Good luck and keep us posted.

My house would 100% be going up for sale!!

My mil moved in next door. I actually suggested it though. The difference is that my mil is a very private person and I knew she wouldn't interfere. At first I was a little worried about answering the door in my dressing gown at 11am (I'm usually up much earlier but don't always bother to get dressed). Then I decided that I'm 50, why do I care what she thinks :) Its been 6 months now, and it's been fine, but that was because she doesn't judge, and I now don't care if she did! Also, lots of little and often chats is much better than fewer extended visits.

One thing I am aware of is care as she gets older. She is definitely more frail now than she was. However I have simply said from the start that I won't do any personal care. I help out with little jobs in the house and garden and I'm more than happy to do that. But that's as far as it will go.

Only you know your relationship with your inlaws. Get the tall plants for the garden, don't automatically invite them in if they come round - you can chat briefly on the doorstep as you would if it were a different random neighbour. If they ask to come in, just say you're in the middle of something and you will give them a ring later. Just set clear boundaries from the start. If this doesn't work, only then get onto Rightmove :)

At the very least you need to build a pergola/gazebo thingy and get growing wisteria all over it - that way you can have a wine in the garden and they won’t see you, not even from a top window!

We moved next door to my in laws a few years ago. My MIL is amazing and is my 2nd mum, FIL most of the time I would like to throw pointy objects at.
We set out some ground rules before we moved, they dont just pop round always text before they do. And from the beginning if I was busy (house a tip etc) I would just say it's not a good time.
It's been really handy and the positives out weigh the negatives. I can give MIL a quick text if I need a hand with the kids at short notice. Can borrow endless amount of stuff if I've ran out. I dont feel like we have to spend hrs on end visiting (and listening to FIL) as we say hi over the fence! Just start off as you mean to go on! Good luck

A house down my in laws road came up for rent and we joked half heartedly but no I'd never willing put myself in that position of right next door and I love my in laws and nor they to us.

I would feel very similar to you and I also think it'll hurt the relationship in the long run. You need to feel safe in your own home to have your own privacy. What if the walls are thin and your bedroom backs onto one of theirs and you and OH are enjoying each other! That would put me on edge and remind me of being a teenager fooling around upstairs trying not to be caught. It's fun when your a teenager but sucks as an adult.

Even if they can't hear anything or aren't looking at you you are going to feel like they can / are.

I feel for you and this situation a lot there's nothing really which can solve it. Ought to have had an awkward conversation before the sale completed and perhaps they could have looked somewhere not so close if they wanted to be closer but then it's also a major lack of self awareness on their part to not realise you need your space. Surly they want their privacy and not to feel like their son and daughter in law are always listening or looking at them.

Be strong, maybe they'll see the mistake and flip the house after the reno is complete.

Oh you know what's next, adjoining back garden gate

Ultimately you have a DH problem. His parents did discuss with him and he is fine with it. You have raised concerns and he has just fobbed you off. He is happy to have them around and isnt remotely interested in your opinion. His parents are equally uninterested in your opinion. You are going to find it extremely difficult to exert boundaries if your DH thinks its all fine. I suspect you are a SAHM and your DH thinks there is not much you can do about it. I could be wrong.

Arrange with dh how often a week you'll see them. Set a time and date and that he agrees you can ignore any pop ins.
Lock the doors and gates.
No gate in between garden
Get a ring doorbell so you can ignore them properly.
Get a taller fence or arrange a private seating area so you can sit in peace, out the radio on so you can ignore any cooee

Personally, I'd be leaving. At least temporarily until alternative home found. This cannot possibly have a positive conclusion.

Imagine you're having a marital tiff and they hear it from their garden and come straight round?

What if you have a few hours to yourselves and plan a 'romantic time together' and they come round, and have spotted you in window whilst walking towards the door, meaning you can't ignore? Romantic time ruined.

Every single time you get in/out of car you get approached/interrogated.
Every single time you have a delivery, you get asked what it was.
If the grass begins to blow in wind and you don't immediately mow it, you get judgemental/passive aggressive remarks.
It's ok saying 'be assertive' whenever needed, but what will your DH's reaction be to this new found assertiveness towards his mother? Will he stand up for you? I'd certainly expect him to, but not guaranteed.
She will likely just begin catching DH whenever he appears and putting him on the spot as less likely to say no to his mum coming round!

Can you tell I've witnessed this situation unfold before?!

Whatever you decide, good luck OP! You'll need it!

NC as very specific.

I had exactly this. Except I didn’t let it get this far. As soon as they told us their offer had been accepted I told DH (who also didn’t see the problem) that he either told them no or is he leaving him. Whether they actually pulled out or not was down to them but if he didn’t support me then I didn’t want to be married to him any more. I’m not going to lie OP, it nearly destroyed us.

The ILs wouldn’t take it from DH, they wanted to hear it from me. So I told them straight, MIL got very offensive so I very calmly and politely told her that it was her choice whether or not to destroy our (up to yet) good relationship and that she could choose to put herself and her own wants first but so could I and that would involve no longer being her DIL.

They chose to pull out and then found an even nicer house in the next village along which was so cheap they’re now almost mortgage free. They spent a month or two kicking their wounds before deciding to get our relationship on track and now it’s like nothing ever happened.

You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. If it is you need to be honest with them and with your DH. This is not the sort of thing that you can just trial and ‘see how it goes’. You either accept this or you don’t. If you move in a couple of years it’ll be obvious it’s because of them and then there’ll be no saving the relationship.

Fuck no.

Move. To the moon.

Why on Earth not say something before they bought the house???

You’re still being very passive. I hope you don’t end up back on mumsnet in a few months complaining about them suffocating you due to lack of action now