Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws moving next door

533 replies

Lotsofluv · 23/05/2020 16:16

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 23/05/2020 19:23

Time to create some boundaries

Firstly get a higher fence or plant a hedge to create privacy. Wine in peace.

Secondly - they can’t just walk in. Communicate with them the way you want to be communicated with. So if you want to pop over to theirs with the kids, text and ask them well in advance if they are ok for you to pop round Tuesday and Thursday tea time this week. If they arrive at yours unannounced, peep out through a half open door and Apologise for not letting them in but explain you’re having a quiet day or whatever but come back Wednesday for a cuppa

LovePoppy · 23/05/2020 19:24

What’s wrong with giving them a cup of tea and letting them use the loo after an hour’s journey? It’s just plain curtesy.
A) it’s an unannounced visit
B) it happens often
C) has everyone forgotten there is a flipping pandemic?
D) where is the curtesy to OP? Why doesn’t she get any

BumbleBeee69 · 23/05/2020 19:30

hells bells.. this will end in tears Flowers

diddl · 23/05/2020 19:31

Let's face it, if it wasn't their son next door, they wouldn't just be able to turn up & have a cup of tea & use the loo!

rwalker · 23/05/2020 19:32

My parent live a few doors away put some rules down straight away all fine.
tbh see less of them now as before it was a trip to see them and now can see them everyday but it more of a 5 minute hello rather than staying for an hour or so.

Sertchgi123 · 23/05/2020 19:34

It drive me completely nuts. You have to move to save your sanity and your marriage. Put your house up for sale immediately.

Camphillgirl · 23/05/2020 19:38

They must love you a lot to want to move next door to you and your family. They will be on hand to babysit and look after house while you are on holiday. Start as you mean to go on but be kind to them they obviously want to be near you. Win win for you i’d Say. Try to be nice to them and don’t look for faults. It will be fine.

Honeyroar · 23/05/2020 19:38

I think you’re going to have a frank and honest conversation with them. Tell them you’re worried about losing your privacy and feeling overlooked and on top of each other. Then suck it and see. If you feel it’s not working then move. And if your husband won’t take it seriously he’s going to ruin his marriage.

I actually live next door to my dad, but he was here first! Plus it was discussed and we made sure we were all ok with it. I’d lived all over the world and country for 18 years before I came home, I’d never have thought it! But it works very well for us. My husband and my dad are so alike they get on spectacularly well, he’s probably closer to him than I am now. We have a small holding so there’s tons of space. He’s very easy going and helps us out, occasionally mowing the lawn and letting the dogs out while we’re at work. It also worked well when he was recovering from a heart attack years ago. He hated being an invalid but we could check he was ok through the window without him knowing. It did initially make me self conscious in the bedroom, but the houses, although semi detached, are hundreds of years old and have very thick walls, plus my dad went pretty deaf soon after we moved in!

dottiedodah · 23/05/2020 19:43

We used to live round the corner from My DP and in the same road as my DGP! However next door is wayyy too close seriously .If you give it a go for say 6 months /a year .If its not working out maybe move elsewhere (could say you need to be nearer/further to work . Better Schools elsewhere anything you can think of!

therona · 23/05/2020 19:44

Can you get one of those video doorbells? Then if it's them, don't answer. When they later call to ask why, you say "oh sorry we were busy, best to call in advance if you want to make sure we're available". If they do call in advance and you don't fancy it, say "sorry, today doesn't work for us". No explanation needed. You need to nip this in the bud before they move in, and just because it's lockdown doesn't mean you always have to be at home and available!

Original poster
Lotsofluv · 23/05/2020 19:47

Lovepoppy

Thank you for seeing my side😊 .
Most of you have, thank you, I did start to think I was a horrible Person 😬🤣x

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 23/05/2020 19:52

Good grief no, you are not a horrible person AT ALL!!

But how on earth has it got to this stage? The whole buying/survey/exchange/completion takes quite a while. Why on earth did you not say anything before? And if you did, your dh is NOT on your side and is a spineless, enabling twat who would far prefer to upset you than his darling parents!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2020 19:54

Can you dig a moat? Add some sharks and crocodiles?

icansmellburningleaves · 23/05/2020 19:54

I would absolutely hate this, no matter how much I love my in-laws this would not be ok. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but please don't blame your husband

billy1966 · 23/05/2020 19:58

@PicsInRed
👍🙏

I don't like to always be saying LTB, but the truth is if my husband pulled a stunt like this, my bags would be packed.

Great idea @therona.....one of those Smart phone door bells that you can see before answering would be 30 quid well spent.

Don't answer the door if it doesn't suit you.

diddl · 23/05/2020 20:01

When they come to see how work on the house is progressing, do they ask if it'll be ok to pop in?

Presumably they're not doing it atm?

carly2803 · 23/05/2020 20:03

boundaries, right now.

do not give them a key! never ever. even "just in case"

get a chain on your door if needed.

i agree with the hedges, big ones.

i love my parents, and very close to them but i would never live next door to them, or they would not move next door to me.
cannot imagine anything worse

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 23/05/2020 20:04

YANBU, I would hate that with the fire of a thousand suns.

Honestly- I'd move. Its intrusive and awful, i value my privacy and quiet alone time, I couldn't stand them popping round every 5 mins shudder

Baboomtsk · 23/05/2020 20:07

This is nuts. I'd be moving if I were you. Wait until they've got their renovations conserved and they're just about settled in before you break the news.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 23/05/2020 20:07

What’s wrong with giving them a cup of tea and letting them use the loo after an hour’s journey? It’s just plain curtesy

Its also just plain curtesy to ASK before just inviting yourself round. I would never just show up unannounced at anyone's house because I recognise it might not be convenient for them- they might be in the shower, having a nap, in the middle of working, in the middle of anything really. You dont just show up - thats common curtesy.

mylittlesandwich · 23/05/2020 20:08

Nope. I wouldn't want my mum next door never mind the in-laws. I lived 10 mins from my father that I don't get on too well with and I moved. I couldn't cope with the "just popping round". I honestly think I'd have to move, which really is a shame.

rottiemum88 · 23/05/2020 20:08

I could probably live nextdoor to my MIL, but we have a great relationship and she absolutely wouldn't always be popping round for things. In your situation, I really wouldn't be happy. Did you not have the opportunity to speak to your DH about it before they put the offer in and have him speak to them? I know you say he wasn't/isn't too concerned, but if he cares about you and values your opinion he should have respected your viewpoint was valid and conveyed the concerns

Dogsaresomucheasier · 23/05/2020 20:09

Really, really thoughtless of them. I love my in-laws, foibles and all, because we only see them every school holiday.

GreenTulips · 23/05/2020 20:10

OP the only solution is to become a nudist.

Every time they knock on the door ... every wine you have in the garden (they won’t notice the wine)

tara66 · 23/05/2020 20:13

Agree with CoraPirbright re. why did you let it get to this stage if you dread your PIL so much. Regarding DH - have you really spoken up about this matter at the right time i.e. before they bought? You should have said you did not want them long ago. Now people are telling you to leave your marriage because of this?! Set down rules about contact etc. Remember you might have had a worse NDNFH. Also, BTW you mentioned they still retained their old house - I believe there are stricter time limitations (9 months?) which allows for benefit of tax free sale of PPR when a second property has been bought in advance of old property sale - do they know that? How many times have they actually asked to have a cup of tea and use the loo and how old are they? (Hopefully not during the virus). Is that really such a burden for you? They are your DH's parents. They clearly do not know how you feel and would no doubt be shocked and very hurt when and if truth comes out!