Namenic I agree with much of your post but I’m not entirely convinced about part of your first point- IME women do seem to consider job flexibility even more than men. Eg I know quite a number of women who deliberately work evening or weekend shifts to fit around their partner and reduce or avoid childcare costs.
I also think that with the length of ML now, physical factors such as recovery from the birth and bf are less of an issue ... unless we’re talking about extreme cases such as a woman having such terrible birth injuries she is unable to work after a year it’s not really relevant. Likewise with bf- it’s entirely possible to bf long term after returning to work, especially now when ML can last until well after the start of weaning. (Just as an aside, I continued to bf when I returned to work after a 3 month ML. Bf trends are linked more to factors such as the level of education of the mother rather than whether she is employed or not)
But broadly I agree with what you say. There are so many positives to sharing earning and caring responsibilities more equitably between partners.
One basic positive which perhaps often gets overlooked is that like with all things, there are positive and negative Aspects to being at home and to working. I’m sure we can all relate to that. A day at home caring for little children can be lovely- no early morning commute, freedom over how to structure your day, no performance management targets to meet... or it can be crushingly repetitive and isolating, leaving you feeling undervalued. Likewise a day at work can make you feel great that you’re using your intellect and skills, you’re getting social interaction and approbation ... or it can be super stressful, dashing to work early, high stakes meetings, targets to meet ...
That’s why the age old debate about whether it’s ‘harder’ to be at home or work is utterly pointless. There are pros and cons to both. When people want to push a particular view, they’ll cherry pick the pros (or cons) to fit their narrative, but the fact remains that there are joys and stresses with both.
To me, that’s a pretty good argument in itself to aim to balance the roles between both partners. That way, you both get to enjoy the benefits of both and also have a better understanding of both too.
There are often threads from women complaining that their dh doesn’t lift a finger at home or with the kids and that it’s alright for him because he’s swanning off to work all day able to have coffee breaks whenever he wants etc. It’s like there’s a complete disconnect, with each partner assuming the other one has it easier, and that’s how resentment grows and the roles become even more entrenched.
Undoubtedly someone will be along in a moment to say that their DH’s job is too important to be flexible, or that they can’t share parental leave etc etc But surely the ultimate goal should be a better balance for people, not this default to the woman being the carer, where it often seems to be the case that she willingly goes along with it at first but then becomes resentful when the impact of it starts to bite.
To return to the OP, covid 19 and the resulting difficulties with nurseries and schools being shut hasn’t created the situation - it’s highlighted a situation that was already there. If mums prioritised their work life as much as dads, and if dads took their caring responsibilities as seriously as mums, then the current situation would impact on both sides.
A key thing as Namenic says is negotiation. Not when you’re at the end of ML but ideally before you decide to start a family or at the very least during the pregnancy. Don’t even start with the assumption that one of you will stop working. Start with the questions: How are we going to use shared parental leave? How are we going to continue working? How are we going to carve out caring responsibilities? What sort of childcare do we want to use?
The answers won’t of course be the same for every couple, and some of them will be influenced by external factors but it’s a Damn good starting point.
There was a lot of discussion upthread about a scenario where the woman earned 30k as a nurse and the husband earned 100k and the assumption was simply ‘well there’s no point in me working because he earns so much more’ No discussion around career development for the 30k earner. No discussion about pension. No discussion about the fact that a combined income of 130k means paying for childcare is not a problem. No discussion about the fact that the 30k earner is performing a socially essential role. Just a simple ‘what’s the point of me continuing to work?’
It’s this tendency of women to sell themselves short which is a big part of the problem. And that’s not blaming the women, it’s shining a light on a very real and worrying tendency