To think that my son's behaviour isn't normal

[FirTree31]

Hello,
Youngest DS is 5 (he has older brother who is 9). DS2 has had behavioural problems since about 3 years old, when he was 4 the nursery threatened to expel him after he punched a member of staff in the face. He is now is Primary 1 (well not really just now).

He hits, punches, scratches, kicks and throws things. He SCREAMS. He's also incredibly funny, intelligent, interested, inquisitive, loving, chatty and friendly. He's like Jekyll and Hyde.

Just had a meltdown because it was time to go for a walk and off Nintendo Switch, we've been in the kitchen for 30 minutes while I wait for him to calm down, during which he punched me, kicked me, throw a lunch box at me, and slammed the fridge and washing machine. I just end up staring at him in disbelief. I don't even know what to do, part of my just wants to cuddle him,the other wants to put him in the garden and shut the door.

DS1 was/is never like this, he never did this to me. Youngest feels uncontrollable.

Has anyone else been through this, can this still be in normal range for a 5 year old?.

Excuse all the errors, hit post by accident before checking

Two of my kids are like this and both are in the process of Various investigations and getting extra support from nursery and school. It's not normal, and it's not ok, but it helped me to know that other people had noticed too and to start getting some external support. Since then I am working on managing and preventing meltdowns, I try and separate myself emotionally and think "I am observing DS, he is having a meltdown, he didn't have good sleep last night, he might be hungry, we could try going for a walk/some quiet time/a cuddle or we could turn this around by making a joke." Which is a big improvement from my previous victim mindset "why does he always hit me? What have I done to deserve this? I must be a terrible parent" etc. If I don't compare my children to other people's children I can see their improvements more clearly. Instead of thinking, "my child should not be biting other children his age don't bite" I think "he's been biting much less, so tell him well done for doing better."

@FirTree31 Does your son have any sensory issues which may trigger his behaviour?
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

@3LittleMonkeyz if he's biting for sensory feedback, try some chewellery, loads of different types online.

It's normal in my house.

My son has autism and severe sensory processing difficulties. He was dx early after being seen by a paediatrician in an appointment for his older sibling. He is just 4 and was diagnosed at 2.

My first tip: dont do anything different for a week and complete ABC charts (NAS have one I think) to gather evidence, the sort of evidence that your GP will understand. I wouldn't suggest doing it for much longer as it's really very draining. Videoing the tic will also help, as will trying to build a working relationship with school in terms of sharing and trying to get continuity between settings.

Second tip: use the week to read up on everything. You need to try different strategies to see what works and what doesn't work, so dont spend loads of money on equipment that might not work out. My son responds to a very calm repetition of alternatives (the one I want him to do/have and one I know he would hate) so quick example if he's screaming for pop "milk, or water" x a million. He's also okay ish with a countdown to get him to stop some things, but if he's in total meltdown nothing really works and you have to make sure he is safe and just be ready for when it has run its course.

Third tip: be prepared to parent differently. Everything I thought was right about being a parent is not right for my children. That takes a lot of getting over.

Fourth tip: as well as GP, look up third sector organisations locally. They will be under parent support, that type of thing. I went on a managing challenging behaviour course and even though it wasn't specifically for SEN, it was helpful to know I wasn't alone.

Take care. Even if it's not SEN, having an arsenal of strategies and the ability to step out of the situation is very handy.

My son has SEN and has never been violent. I hope you manage to find some help x

A lot of children, SEN or not, don't cope well with being told what to do. Lots of adults too.

Do you involve your kids in planning their day?

While there are no time restrictions (school hours/work hours) then they have some autonomy in how they spend their time. They don't need to be up and dressed by a certain time, they don't need to eat at a certain time. The dog needs it's walks so there's a restriction that needs to be built into the day around the other tasks that need to be completed (school work).

Teaching your son to control himself will be far more effective in the long run than teaching him to obey you without question. If he understands the reasoning behind the actions and has some control over the order of events that form his day then, although he will be disappointed in stopping his preferred activity, he understands why he has to and was part of the process in making the decision.

Some flexibility from your side is needed too. As a poster said upthread, you wouldn't like someone to come and switch your tv program off 5 minutes before the end because we "walk the dog at 11am". The dog can have his walk at 11.05 with no problem. If your son has invested time building a structure in Minecraft, he wants to finish it, not leave it undone because it's 11am. You're denying him the satisfaction of completing a task he's been working on. So, rather than a time countdown, how about an agreement that he stops when this building is finished and you can sit and watch while he does it (also to make sure he doesn't start another one). This way you're involved and interested in what he's doing and the pressure/anxiety/frustration of the ticking clock is absent.

When the time restrictions resume and you return to work and school, again, try the same approach with the understanding that these elements are inflexible, unlike the dog's walk.