To think that my son's behaviour isn't normal

[FirTree31]

Hello,
Youngest DS is 5 (he has older brother who is 9). DS2 has had behavioural problems since about 3 years old, when he was 4 the nursery threatened to expel him after he punched a member of staff in the face. He is now is Primary 1 (well not really just now).

He hits, punches, scratches, kicks and throws things. He SCREAMS. He's also incredibly funny, intelligent, interested, inquisitive, loving, chatty and friendly. He's like Jekyll and Hyde.

Just had a meltdown because it was time to go for a walk and off Nintendo Switch, we've been in the kitchen for 30 minutes while I wait for him to calm down, during which he punched me, kicked me, throw a lunch box at me, and slammed the fridge and washing machine. I just end up staring at him in disbelief. I don't even know what to do, part of my just wants to cuddle him,the other wants to put him in the garden and shut the door.

DS1 was/is never like this, he never did this to me. Youngest feels uncontrollable.

Has anyone else been through this, can this still be in normal range for a 5 year old?.

Children are addicted to online games, Nintendo, play-stations, social media, tik tok etc etc. The list is endless. How does an alcoholic behave when the booze has gone? How does a heroin addict behave when the supply has been used? How does somebody addicted to painkillers behave when the supply is low. Desperately...that's how. An addict is an addict. Parents don't see the dangers of these behaviours because all the kids are on it so it is preserved as normal. One child I work with is on there playing games as soon as school is over and he secretly gets up at 5:00am to play. He enters school looking like he had never slept.

'percieved'

Is he only like this with you or does this happen in all situations? That might shed some light on whether he is acting out or genuinely can't control it which would have an impact on how I might deal with it.

I'm not sure why removing him from the situation to a secure garden area when he's kicking off is seen as such a bad thing! You're removing him from the situation so he has time to calm down, it keeps you safe from being kicked etc and shows him that his behaviour will not he tolerated and you're not getting overly invested in it/rewarding this vile behaviour with your time and attention.

@PrincessButtockUp children can mask and hold it together in some situations and then release when they feel safe. Ie at home or with their parents.

My son was exactly the same and was diagnosed with autism at 7.

Is he only like this with you or does this happen in all situations? That might shed some light on whether he is acting out or genuinely can't control it which would have an impact on how I might deal with it.

That doesn't follow at all. My db (adoption trauma) only displayed his troubled behaviour with the people he needed to bond with- his parents and siblings. He was polite if a bit distant with everybody else.

My dd (later diagnosed with PTSD and generalised anxiety) kept it together at school because she was TERRIFIED of the people there.

Many children on the autistic spectrum hold it together at school because they are so anxious about breaking the rules and then come home and collapse.

Try getting him to do other things than Nintendo switch/other gaming for a month and reassess. I see a strong pattern clinically between children, gaming and aggressive behaviour. Regardless of the game. Research is still mixed but that’s what I would try based on my experience.

It's so odd starting a thread then not having responded to anyone who's taken the time to reply nearly 6 hours later

God forbid someone doesn't spend all day on MN, eh? 🙄

Sorry I'm m so late replying, and thank you so much for your replies. We've had a big walk and hot food and all is calm. Quite a few recommendations for the Explosive Child, it's on Prime so I've downloaded on to Kindle.

PP mentioned Tics, he does have a tic, it comes and goes, sometimes more severe than others. It is facial and noise, he clears his throat and sniffs, squeezes his eyes, sometimes does a little jump and sometimes clicks his fingers. His tics don't have a rhythm, they happen when he is eating ice cream, or walking, not necessarily when stressed.

I have been to the GPS several times, GP took one look and said no to SEN. Also very brief support from social services when the nursery wanted to expel him. I had meetings with nursery directors every two weeks and he had a sticker chart. Directors told me they'd never seen behaviour like it. He is better now he is at school, but has displayed bad behaviour a few times and had to speak to HT. His teacher is aware of his past behaviour and how he can be at home, and did agree to have the Educational Psychologist review him, but not heard anything since lock down obviously.

His triggers are usually not getting his way.
I usually wait for his temper to calm before talking, I take him to his room (and very occasionally to the garden) when he is dangerous and needs to be removed and its so severe that I don't want to end up shouting back. I am guilty of "if you don't do x then you won't be able to have you Switch". Although if it's a severe meltdown, I don't make those threats there is no point.

I have looked into parenting classes, but the only ones offered by local authority were during the day, and I work.

He is nearly always able to reflect on his behaviour also. When we talk about it afterwards, or sometimes unprompted he will come to me and apologise.

I guess I am quite a passive person. I hate too much noise myself. I just hope that by loving him and making sure he feels loved and safe he grows out of it.

You're not alone OP. There could be many reasons, you'll have to try lots of things. But you sound really caring and you'll work out a way to help you're son x

And, I had PND after DS2 born, I had the same with DS1 also but the second time was worse, I spent time in Mother and Baby unit at hospital. I carry so much guilt which also clouds my judgment and makes me more. Passive

Sorry I keep stop starting. The game he plays on Switch is Minecraft, he's actually very good at it, I can't believe how children can wip round building things!
We have a dog so walk twice a day. I do give warnings "we'll be going after I've had a shower... 10 minutes and we're going". But It would be better to outline what we will be doing each day so I will try and take a moment to explain in the morning before I start to give time warnings.

Sounds exactly like my. Nephew. He was fairly extreme ADHD. When on his medication, he was a completely different child to the monster he was off it.
My sister went through all the bad parenting advice, blah blah blah, but at the end of the day, I don't believe anyone could calm an extreme ADHD child.

Good news is my nephew has turned out to be a fine young man, very enterprising, owns his own home, just got married. He knows his strengths and limitations.

Good luck on your journey.

My nephew was like that at that age. It was v hard going for my DB and SIL. He has since been diagnosed with ASD, changed school and is thriving (now aged 11) 😊 Please talk to your GP and try and get some support 💐

I would also second @Fleetheart's recommendation of The Explosive Child. It'll offer some alternatives to shutting him in the garden 😉👍🏻 Good luck!

GP took one look and said no to SEN

That's disgusting, a GP cannot diagnose any form of AN, see someone else.

I worked briefly in a pupil referral unit and this sort of behaviour was the norm there. The children in met were very volatile (for different reasons) but could also be lovely, friendly, bright etc. I found the contrast in behaviour very hard to deal with.

GPs are not qualified to diagnose SEN and even if they were than one look would scarcely be enough!!

I don't really know who to contact next to push it through, I have spoken with the school and at least they agreed to ask to Ed Psych to see him, but I doubt much will come of it when he is eventually seen. The EP comes to the school every 6 months to see a backlog of children, well, not a backlog, but children get added to their list. And also he is better behaved at school, although DS teacher has some of it, he threw a chair, and he hit another child and had a huge meltdown when he was asked to do his writing again as it wasn't on the line.

When he's like that you can tell he has lost all control and is scared, he ls in a full panic.

That’s really not normal. You need to seek help quickly for all your sakes.

See your GP and ask for a referral to Children’s services for a Keyworker for family support and help with coping strategies. That’s what kick started our referrals to the SEN unit.

@VeraorHolly thanks for your reply - your work sounds really interesting. I think in relation to following through we might be talking about different things. A good parent will follow through with good "consequences" but if through baseline parenting the "consequences" are not so good, are damaging or OTT, then I am not sure following through is going to engender trust or make the parent a good parent.

I am by no means any manner of an expert but just want to add that maybe y oil u should also consider phasing out the playstation. People may laugh but honestly the change to our house since screens came in is unbelievable and I mean if you saw a before as and after you wouldn't believe we were the same house.