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to expect step dad not to lay a hand on ds

92 replies

law3 · 20/09/2007 09:46

This morning has been a nightmare.

Ds1 13.10 was refusing to go to school, because he only had long sleeve shirts clean, instead of short. His short sleeves were dirty because he had them stuffed under the bed. I found him a clean long sleeve one and he pulled all the buttons off it, because he didnt want to wear it, so i found him another one.

So ds1 was sulking in his room refusing to put his shirt on, i was trying to get ds3 dressed for nursery. Step dad has gone into his room and told him to get his shirt on and get his arse to school, ds has refused, so he has picked him up, in like a bear hug and carried him to the front door.

I have heard all the noise and gone to the passage to find them pushing each other and ds saying some choice words to step dad. Step dad has then grabbed him by the throat.

i have stepped in between them and told step dad to back off and go to the kitchen, ds has run crying to his room and phoned his real dad, so i am now having to explain the situation to him on the phone, with step dad telling me, i had better ground ds as he is not having this.

Anyhow, Ds has now gone to school wearing his shirt.

Now ds was being a pain in the arse, but i am fuming at step dad for doing this. Step dad is going to think he was well within his rights Am i being unreasonable???

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 20/09/2007 09:49

I think you, DS and DH need to have a chat about rules and boundaries.


fleacircus · 20/09/2007 09:49

Am confused - is this your stepdad or your DS's stepdad?


Hassled · 20/09/2007 09:50

Grabbing a child by the throat is unacceptable. It's irrelevant whether it was Dad or Stepdad who did it. YANBU.


meemar · 20/09/2007 09:51

How long have you been with your partner? Have you discussed discipline issues, set boundaries about this kind of thing before?


maximopark · 20/09/2007 09:57

hi law3, im having a few problems of my own (on another thread) but i dont think you are being unreasonable at all. has it happened before ?


law3 · 20/09/2007 10:03

been together 8 years, we have discussed discipline and have clear rules. We use loss of privelleges, grounding, time out etc, but not 'smacking'.

Im fuming that a grown man has let it come to that. When he gets in from work, im obviously gona have a chat with him, but he is going to insist that ds be punished and that i am over protective!!

OP posts:

TnOgu · 20/09/2007 10:05

It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues.


gringottsgoblin · 20/09/2007 10:11

i think 13 is too old for smacking even if you were going to use it. its the grabbing round the throat thats the problem for me, thats more like fighting a man than disciplining a child. if dh insists ds is punished i think maybe you had better mention that he could also be punished (arrested) and maybe he had better have a chat with ds and apologise for losing it. then draw a line under it


law3 · 20/09/2007 10:12

hi maxi, not actually come to blows, but step dad has to be confrontation all the time.

OP posts:

maximopark · 20/09/2007 10:12

remember, your his mum. your in charge!


law3 · 20/09/2007 10:14

to be honest, i have this red mist over my eyes at the moment, bloody fuming is an understatement. Im shaking.

OP posts:

law3 · 20/09/2007 10:16

i dont know whether to try and sort this out or tell him to pack his bags, tbh.

OP posts:

maximopark · 20/09/2007 10:19

calm down, you've had a shit morning, but honestly i can understand how your feeling. what was real dads reaction?


themildmanneredjanitor · 20/09/2007 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maximopark · 20/09/2007 10:26

better to pull buttons off, than hurt him physically. law3 has just had a bloody awful morning, we all have them. my ds was complaining about his packed lunch one morning, wouldnt shut up, so i through the lot at the window. but i would never lay a finger on him.


Piffle · 20/09/2007 10:26

my dp is not my ds's dad either, ds is 13.5
been tog 7 years and have 2 kids of our own as well of 5 and 6 mths.

if dp did that to any of our kids
he'd be out or we'd be off. But he knows my views very clearly. he did tap ds on the head once quite firmly and I went ballistic at that...

if you have discussed clear boundaries and that clearly oversteps them, then your dp must take all the blame for losing his rag.
What dp says when ds winds him up is that I feel I want to twat you ds, let's both drop it and talk about it later, we're both out of order.


law3 · 20/09/2007 10:29

tmmj - dont get me wrong ds was acting like a spoilt brat and would have been punished when he got back from school. I dont tolerate that kind of behaviour, but i wouldnt have grabbed him round the throat, to get my point across.

OP posts:

slim22 · 20/09/2007 10:31

step dad WAY out of line. Bad example. teenagers need role models and trust. As a step dad he's got to accept that responsibility or get out.

Now DS obviously got some age related issues here and you all need to sit down and talk them through.
I think step dad should make first step and apologise for brutality. Then DS should be made to apologise for childish behaviour and swearing.

Do real dad and step dad get along?? I think they have to work together. The hardest years are yet to come.


Surfermum · 20/09/2007 10:34

Forget about the step bit, it's not acceptable behaviour by anyone.


law3 · 20/09/2007 10:39

maxi - my ds pulled all the buttons off, not me!!!

I try to stay calm, i just told him i dont care what you wear to school, if you get a detention for not wearing school uniform and being late, thats your problem, BUT you are going and left him to stew in his room while i got baby ready for nursery. He would have then come out after about 10 minutes, with shirt on and apologise for being a plonker.

But step dad decided to intervene, while i was getting baby ready and confront him, get your arse out the door, pick him up and push him towards the door in just his trousers.

OP posts:

mishymoo · 20/09/2007 10:42

YANBU - he has absolutey no right to 'man handle' your child like that! He does have every right to help discipline him but not in a physical way. Perhaps you need to discuss your concerns with him and tell him that it is not acceptable behaviour for an adult and that they both need to apologise to each other.

Yes, DS was being PITA but he is only 13 after all and your DH should have known better!


brimfull · 20/09/2007 10:42

yanbu ,violence is unacceptable whoever does it.


slim22 · 20/09/2007 10:46

How did real dad react??


Upwind · 20/09/2007 10:49

Why are you refering to your DH as "stepdad"? He should certainly not have grabbed your DS by the throat but seems to me like he lost his rag. That is in no way excusable but you should have intervened yourself when your DS was "saying some choice words" to your DH. Sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues and you need to wait till you have calmed down before sitting down with you DH and discussing them like adults. If necessary I would consider counselling.

Your DS's behaviour is extraordinarily bad for an almost 14 yr old. You also need to discuss with your DH how DS1 will be disciplined now and going forwards.


maximopark · 20/09/2007 11:00

law3, sorry! reading in a hurry! have you calmed down yet. have you spoken to stepdad, & has he apologised.

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