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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect step dad not to lay a hand on ds

92 replies

law3 · 20/09/2007 09:46

This morning has been a nightmare.

Ds1 13.10 was refusing to go to school, because he only had long sleeve shirts clean, instead of short. His short sleeves were dirty because he had them stuffed under the bed. I found him a clean long sleeve one and he pulled all the buttons off it, because he didnt want to wear it, so i found him another one.

So ds1 was sulking in his room refusing to put his shirt on, i was trying to get ds3 dressed for nursery. Step dad has gone into his room and told him to get his shirt on and get his arse to school, ds has refused, so he has picked him up, in like a bear hug and carried him to the front door.

I have heard all the noise and gone to the passage to find them pushing each other and ds saying some choice words to step dad. Step dad has then grabbed him by the throat.

i have stepped in between them and told step dad to back off and go to the kitchen, ds has run crying to his room and phoned his real dad, so i am now having to explain the situation to him on the phone, with step dad telling me, i had better ground ds as he is not having this.

Anyhow, Ds has now gone to school wearing his shirt.

Now ds was being a pain in the arse, but i am fuming at step dad for doing this. Step dad is going to think he was well within his rights Am i being unreasonable???

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 14:49

Honoria - what you suggested sounds more like my cup of tea. Had dh not intervened, ds would have apologised, i would have made him sew the buttons back on his shirt later, he would have got into trouble at school for being late and got a detetention and i would have reminded him AGAIN, that he needs to put shirts in dirty wash. Job done.

As for ds swearing and trying to hit back, not quite sure what dh expected him to do when backed into a corner.

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 16:28

have spoken to my ex husband and explained the situation to him honestly and told him i find dh behaviour unacceptable and will be speaking to him and he no longer wants to punch dh lights out.

Ex has picked ds up from school and is going to take him to his house for dinner.

Basically will be speaking to dh tonight, to make it clear this is a first and last.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 20/09/2007 16:37

good luck law3 glad to hear all has calmed down for now hope chat goes ok later

HonoriaGlossop · 20/09/2007 16:40

Law, good for you. I really admire how you're taking this by the horns and dealing with it, and siding with your child

Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 16:56

thanks bubbla for your support as always

thanks Honoria - dh always plays the over protective, playing us off card, when i question his behaviour, so just wanted it confirmed that my feelings were not blinkered.

I will always side with a child when it comes to adult/children and violence.

If dh cant take on board the rules in this house and see that he was being unreasonable, then perhaps he is not the man for me, after all.

OP posts:
slim22 · 20/09/2007 18:57

hi, hope all going well tonight.

maximopark · 20/09/2007 18:58

law3. exactly right. glad to hear you've calmed down, ps; do you need any white cotton ?

Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 19:58

Thanks maxi and slim - tried to have a 'discussion' with dw (short for dear wanker now)

Basically stating that i realise ds, can be a wind up sometimes, but i felt he hadnt handled it as well as he could have etc. He is the adult, ds is a child etc, etc.

I couldnt believe what come out of his mouth, apparently i have mental problem, i need to get my head sorted, i should be sticking up for him not my ds. I should think myself lucky that he didnt kill him.

Needless to say i am now the 'lucky one' as i have a lot more space in my wardrobes to hang my clothes!!

Cheeky bastard had to cheek to ask me could he borrow my car to move his stuff out, otherwise he wouldnt go, told him i would get him a police escort to help him move his stuff, if he wanted and have him arrested for assault while i was about it, which did the trick.

Im trying to make light of it, but im shaking!! have to laugh or else i think i will cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 19:58

maxi - white cotton????

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 20/09/2007 20:10

im sorry its turned out like this for you law,but it was something that needed to be sorted out,i know how difficult it is because i went through a few years of aggro with my kids and new dh,but if he had ever touched them in anger he would of been gone.

Alambil · 20/09/2007 20:11

OMG law - so sorry it came to that... sounds like a lucky escape tbh if he can't control himself in such "ordinary" circumstances (ie - stroppy teenager etc)

Good for you, standing your ground

maximopark · 20/09/2007 20:14

omg law3, im so sorry. x x

Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 20:22

i feel a great sense of relief tbh.

Now wondering how i deal with contact arrangements for 3 year old we have together. If he can lose it like that with teenager, im worried whether 3 year old could push him to that.

OP posts:
tori32 · 20/09/2007 20:24

Grabbing ds around the throat is unacceptable, however, I suspect this has been going on for a while. Parenting needs to be a joint affair whether its real or step parents involved. You need definate rules between the two of you as to what is acceptable discipline. I think restraining him if ds behaves in this way is perfectly acceptable. He probably feels that you do not have enough discipline and that his hands are tied. This will enable your son to be able to play one off against the other. Try to discuss everything with dp so that he knows the boundries and you can both show a united front infront of ds.

maximopark · 20/09/2007 20:26

law3, are you sure its really over? have you been thinking about splitting for a while and today was the last straw?

tori32 · 20/09/2007 20:27

sorry I hadn't read all the thread.
Sorry its turned out like this law

bubblagirl · 20/09/2007 20:38

law i'm sorry i hope whatever you decide that youb are ok maybe just a bit of time apart would do you good it must be trying bringing up someone else's teenager but no exscuses for behaviour

just take time to calm down and let things blow over slightly then see where things go oh yeah he needs to apologise big time to you though for saying that but must say my dp at heat of moment has said real mean things to me as i have him get an early night and think things throuigh in the morning hope all this didn't upset little man or other dc

thinking of you x

Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 20:42

maxi - Totally the last straw, he has never laid hands on him before, but we are always arguing over what he says/does to my kids, he also has a 13 year old ds (doesnt live with us) but when my ds does something, he is a little shit and should be punished beyond reason, when his ds does exactly the same thing, its oh well kids will be kids type of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 20:59

hi bubbla - im pretty calm in a shaking sort of way!!

What he says to me during an arguement, i never take personally, in one ear and out the other. Only words after all.

Its his total lack of remorse that gets me, even if he comes back with a massive, mega apology, its not sincere.

I put a dvd on upstairs for ds2/3, i should have waiting until they were in bed, but its hard to carry on like nothing happened for hours, couldnt let ds1 come home to a big telling off and punishment after already being man handled and strangled.

If dw would have started having a go, when ds walked through the door, i do think i would have been able to control my temper. Thought better to hear a few harsh words, than mum hitting dw over the head with a frying pan!!!

OP posts:
PSCMUM · 20/09/2007 21:04

no, YANBU, not one bit.

steo dad seems to have got a bit carried away, teenagers are bastards, everyone knows this, but he can't deal with him like this, he has to stap back and ignore, its the only way forward, and you, you poor thing, you have to make so so so sure that your son knows that he is more important than step dad, it is crucial , esp as teen angst years approach, and that old favourite 'you're not my dad' rears its ugly head, it is crucial that in any discipline needed situation, you are the bad guy, and step dad is either the good guy or the quiet guy.
o dear.

you need to reassure your son.

PSCMUM · 20/09/2007 21:06

you aslo might need to retrain stepdad. /

or fling him out actually, if my dh touched any of my kids (the ones who are his or the ones who are his step kids) i would be having a good old flinging his stuff into the street session.

fizzbuzz · 20/09/2007 21:26

If my dp did that to my 13 year old ds, he would be packing his bags. I would not accept that behaviour no matter what ds had done

Original poster
law3 · 20/09/2007 21:36

he has been flung ladies!!

OP posts:
maximopark · 20/09/2007 21:44

well law3, heres to you, and to the rest of your life without the bastard! well done x x

PSCMUM · 20/09/2007 21:45

woo woo. well done! relly really good move - will do no end of good to your ds, and to your relationship with him

honestly - well done, i know, really i know, how hard that must have been for you.