to expect step dad not to lay a hand on ds

[law3]

This morning has been a nightmare.

Ds1 13.10 was refusing to go to school, because he only had long sleeve shirts clean, instead of short. His short sleeves were dirty because he had them stuffed under the bed. I found him a clean long sleeve one and he pulled all the buttons off it, because he didnt want to wear it, so i found him another one.

So ds1 was sulking in his room refusing to put his shirt on, i was trying to get ds3 dressed for nursery. Step dad has gone into his room and told him to get his shirt on and get his arse to school, ds has refused, so he has picked him up, in like a bear hug and carried him to the front door.

I have heard all the noise and gone to the passage to find them pushing each other and ds saying some choice words to step dad. Step dad has then grabbed him by the throat.

i have stepped in between them and told step dad to back off and go to the kitchen, ds has run crying to his room and phoned his real dad, so i am now having to explain the situation to him on the phone, with step dad telling me, i had better ground ds as he is not having this.

Anyhow, Ds has now gone to school wearing his shirt.

Now ds was being a pain in the arse, but i am fuming at step dad for doing this. Step dad is going to think he was well within his rights Am i being unreasonable???

[law3]

upwind - i was refering to dh as step to try and avoid confusion, because real dad is also involved and i dont feel like calling him DEAR husband at the moment.

I left ds in his room having a sulk, while i got baby ready, the first i knew of any choice words being said was when i heard the commotion in the passage as step dad was pushing ds towards the door, when i got to the passage i saw, step dad pushing ds and ds was shouting fucking leave me alone etc and then began pushing him back, I DID INTERVENE.

Its harder for a 13 year old to control his temper, than an adult.

[law3]

maxi - step dad at work now, im just off to pick up ds3 from nursery, back soon.

No i havent calmed down yet, i dont know whether to cry, kick the cat, or scream!!!

[law3]

slim - real dad was fuming, wants to punch step dads lights out.

Managed to calm him down and told him i would speak to him later.

[law3]

gota go pick up baby, back soon. large brandy needed, me thinks!!

[bubblagirl]

morning law 3 sorry to hear you have had such tough morning poor you to have all this to deal with as well i dont think you need to pack dh bag i remember when younger having similar confrontations its aheat of the moment thing your ds was pushing boundries men will be men and try and stand ground which also means fighting as this is how they deal with things

you need to explain you dont mind trying to help but forceful behaviour is not excepted and this means not laying hands on at all if this is first time he has grabbed by throat i'd be p**d off but i'd just talk how wrong it was when ds gets home from school you should sit down and explain that he should not swear at step dad and put both together to apologise and say to each other how they will handle things your dh could say i wont use force and ds can say same as well as bad language

good luck hun dont forget your ds is at that age now where he will react against you and dh maybe his dad could have words about his behaviour at home

[mishymoo]

It seems DS is finding it difficult to accept Step father - how long have you been together? Is he perhaps jealous of the baby and feels that stepdad is treating him differently?

I was about 14/15 when my mum re-married and I really didn't like my step-father. He had 3 kids of his own (2 grown up) and he treated me and my brother very differently to the way he treated his own kids, i.e. one thing for them another for us, etc. Even today, 17 years on, I only tolerate him because of my mum.

I really think you all need to sit down and talk about the incident this morning and find an appropriate way forward. Would stepdad consider taking DS out on his own for a day, maybe football or watch a movie so they can form their 'own' relationship?

[bubblagirl]

remamber this is there fight and they need to build bridges to try and get some respect back as both acted very wrong do they do much together to form a relationship?

teenagers are trying at best of times and as he isnt biological dad will probably find it harder to control temper so you do need to sit with them both and tell them both what you expect from each and make them apologise to each other and then say right now forgewt about it and start again but behaviour like that will not be excepted and if happens again will be serious consequences

then tell his real dad that tempers were flared from all angles this morning he has right to be pissed off but ds behaviour was wrong and step dad overreacted all has been settle dand will not exspect behaviour like that again if there is there will be serious consequences at least you look fully in control of situation sorry if useless with help but just trying to remember how things were handled when we were younger

[maisemor]

Your son was way out of order pulling wrecking his shirt and he should be punished for this.
Your partner should be allowed to discipline your children, as you all live under the same roof.
Your partner should not be allowed to put his hands round the children's throats.

Me thinks you should all three sit down tonight and agree on how to move forward from here.
Both your son and your partner should be allowed to give their version of events and state what they think should be done about the situation before anything is decided.
You should not seem to be siding with either one of them though, as hard as that will be.

[gess]

Agree with maisemor. Your dh does need to be able to discipline a child sharing his house, although obviously not in the way he did this morning. Sounds as if he lost his rag. Your son also needs to know that is totally unacceptable behaviour. Is he going to pay for a new shirt or sew buttons back on?

Sounds like both were out of order. Think you need to clear the air, move on and draw up a whole new set of groud rules that will allow your dh to discipline your son non-physically and that your son understands what's expected of him as well.

[maximopark]

agree with that law3, make it a double!

[chocchipcookie]

I think you have to have a teenager to understand this. I have one and they push you and push you to get a reaction. When you have little children it is impossible to imagine how awful they will become. You think you will 'communicate' and 'set boundaries' at family meetings and it will all be OK. Ha ha. The point is teenagers want/need to rebel and argue.

It is hard enough with my own child, I can't imagine how hard it is as a step parent.

The few 'choice words' said by your DS were designed to get a reaction from his step dad and they did. I'm not saying your partner was right but I do understand how unbelievably annoying teenagers can be. I would cut him a bit of slack if this is a one-off.

It's absolutely key not to get to that stage. As soon as the arguing starts, close it down!

I say 'If you argue any more you won't go to football.'

My teenager knows I mean it and it stops the situation before it escalates to where you were today. They are two males both trying to be top dog. Sounds like you could really do with some family therapy.

[law3]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to listen to my ranting, im starting to calm down now.

Im a firm believer in punishment fitting the crime where poss if situation hadnt escalated like it did, i would have made my son sew the buttons back on after school, he was late, so will get a detention. His shirts werent washed because he had stuffed them under the bed, so he would have learnt to put them in the dirty wash.

Step dad is allowed to disclipine the kids, same as me, we have rules, one of which is you put your clothes in the dirty wash, otherwise consequence is they dont get washed.

[mummylin2495]

YANBU step dad is an adult ds is still a child.

[law3]

hi choc - the choice words were after step dad had picked him up and started pushing him towards the door, ds started off saying just leave me alone, but step dad kept pushing him, so he said fucking leave me alone, step dad kept pushing, so ds pushed him back, then step dad grabbed him by the throat.

It was like step dad was the one after a reaction, as oppose to ds.

[slim22]

Good luck Law 3
There will b more of this as DS grows into a man so get all 3 (DP/exDH and DS) to think about tension diffusing strategies now.

[gess]

I think you do need to keep one eye on the ultimate goal of sorting it out- so whilst telling your dh that his response was unacceptable I think you also have to recognise how badly your ds wound him up. So I think you have to play it carefully (with a goal on sorting it out in the long run). I do know what its like to be wound up. My severely autistic son can wind me up and wind me up (and dh) until we lose it. We've had to learn to walk away and have that ability to not allow him to wind us up. It's easy for things to escalate, and I think you might get further if you recognise that whilst at the same time insisting that your dh understands that he dealt with it completely inappropriately. Sometimes I deal badly with ds1, sometimes dh does, but we allow each other to get it wrong sometimes iyswim whilst all the time we get more practiced at switching off the red mist in the face of provocation.

[law3]

now when kids have gone to bed, i will try to broach the subject and have a discussion about it.

Step dad will insist that ds is playing us off against each other, i am over protective, and that ds should be grounded for a month (grounded means come home from school, straight to your room and no privelleges, computer etc) He will not think that he went OTT.

[gess]

Tricky one as he obviously was- perhaps you should lay on thick that your ds was being very difficult (even if you think he wasn't) and present it as needing to sort something out to get ds1 to behave and have a happy house. He does have to recognise that he didn't deal with it very well at all if you want to get somewhere though.

[WillyWonka]

Sorry if I'm repeating anything, haven't had a chance to read the other posts.

Grabbing the throat is unacceptable whoever's involved. It sounds as if there is a bit of a "dominant male" battle in the offing which should really be addressed sooner rather than later. Is it possible for you to speak with each of them separately and then altogether about the unacceptable behaviour on both sides, with corresponding apologies from each. Am a believer that adults should apologise to children when they have done something wrong and that this is sets a great example too. Hope you manage to resolve things soon.

[law3]

Ds can be difficult and get the strops sometimes no doubt. But i really feel that step dad is always the one pushing for a reaction from ds and ds is the one who tries to do the ignoring.

[slim22]

You have to make DP understand that this is your son and if he ever pushes you to that corner where you have to choose...well of course you'll eventually side with your son if any sort of brutality is involved!!
He's the responsible adult. Doesn't he remember how confusing it is to be a teenager????? Let alone having to deal with a step father!

Don't want to stir it up but he's an adult facing a hormonal teenager and he needs to put things into perspective.

[law3]

Definately dominate male on step dads part, ds is normally quite submissive and does as he is told.

He will normally have a strop about something, go to his room for 10 minutes then come back and apologise.

[law3]

slim - I sometimes feel like i have 2 teenagers, only difference i will be able to talk to ds about his actions and he will accept that he shouldnt have behaved like that and apologise.

[gringottsgoblin]

grounding for a month seems like a very strict punishment for being stroppy about getting ready for school. all the other stuff happened because of your dh.

im in your situation but with smaller kids, so i do sympathise. but i think you need to get through to dh that he cant do that, if ds tells teachers social services will be involved. what happens if they say he is at risk staying with your dh? or if they want to press charges? in your shoes i would tell him you have dealt with ds (and i would not make it a punishment which drags out as that will remind everyone of the whole incident however long it lasts, tbh i would probably have stern words and leave it at that) and make sure dh understand how serious it could be

[HonoriaGlossop]

I totally agree, grounding for a month is way over the top. Do you remember how utterly important the RIGHT clothes are when you're a teenager at school? No wonder he was stroppy.

I'd be more inclined to sit down with him and have a kindly chat and say you understand why he got cross, and help him understand that he needs to get a system for getting his washing OUT from under the bed and washed, so that he can have the right shirt available!

I agree aswell that the rest was purely your DH's fault, he created that little situation and didn't need to be involved at all; if as you say your ds was likely to come out and apologise anyway.

Communication definitely needed with your DH I think. I'd want him to apologise to my ds for behaving like that with him. And it won't do him any favours, manhandling like that. Kids know that an adult who resorts to manhandling a teenager to the door has run out of strategies and can't think of anything grown up to do. Respect will vanish pretty quickly if this carries on, and then you've even less chance of your DH influencing your ds rather than getting into fisticuffs