Short of an angle grinder how the fuck do you chop a swede?

[Chinchinatti]

I've just spent a half hour trying to chop a turnip. It has to be THE most unforgiving cunt of a vegetable. I've dents in my hand from the fucking thing.
I sharpened my big knife and everything and still I couldn't get half way through the bastard bollocks of a cunt of a thing.
It's my favourite vegetable, but fuck me, every time, I swear I'm never buying another one.
Is there some knack to chopping the cunt that I'm unaware of?

Bastards, aren't they?

Slap him around the face?

I use a meat cleaver and whack it from a great height. 😁

Tis the only way.

Buy pre chopped 👍

Microwave it whole and chop it up afterwards

It’s the same thing that puts me off butternut squash

Swedes are much tastier and easier to cut if you let them age a bit before using.

Or, once the knife is stuck just hold the knife handle and bang the swede down on a solid chopping board and it should split. Keep other hand out of way.

Swede or turnip?
Your heading says Swede, your post says turnip.
Personally, I find a butternut squash the hardest

Microwave it whole for 15 minutes. It'll whistle while cooking but it's ready mashed when it's done and a doddle to cut into and scrape the cooked middle out.

No peeling, no chopping.

I use a 6inch cooks knife and brute force. Never had an issue, dd also prepares roasts and cuts them

Pop it in the microwave whole then after it is cooked, chop it's head off and scoop out the insides.

Massive knife, I hit with a rolling pin like a hammer

Marshmallow - genius!! Why have I never thought of that?!

I always just stab my sharpest knife (usual sharpen it specially) into it half way through then holding on tightly to the knife slam knife with skewered swede onto a hard surface repeatedly until it splits in half. I also use my sharpe knife to peel it as a normal peeler won't go near them! They are tasty though when cooked. My favourite is mashed swede and carrots with just a little bit of butter - yum!

Oh oh oh....

We all hate MLM firms. but when Pampered Chef were in the UK they sold an amazing thing - I'm in the NE of Scotland and everyone here calls it a neep cutter....!!!!!

You can still find them on ebay sometimes but you need a Pampered Chef Crinkle Cutter - only thing that works.

Its the big black handled thing in this listing - www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Pampered-Chef-Bundle/324168160863?hash=item4b79ed965f:g:Z3UAAOSwIf9ev~Qi

Firmly believe that if I ever manage to retrieve the knife in one clean swipe I’m destined to become king of all England.

Buy it frozen and pre chopped

I usually peel it and then chop bits off the sides and kind of keep going eou d it in circles until you're in the middle. I do agree though they're right fuckers to cut up

I don’t buy swedes and I buy butternut squash already chopped up. It doesn’t help you I know op, but you’re making life difficult for yourself

Came on to say what @BathshebaKnickerStickers said, I have one and none of these horrors of veg now get to me. I have to say, that many of my pampered chef things are ancient now, like well over 10 years, and cost per use, probably the best value things in my kitchen.

Peel it then take 1cm slices off the smallest side. You will likely need to whack it on a chopping board at least once to get your knife unstuck, but it does work.

Bread knife 👍

I have a vegetable peeler which works really well. The one I have is double ended and not on this list but is similar to the julienne one - thefinestkitchen.com/butternut-squash-peeler/. It’s a little bit excitable (sharp), so I tend not to use it for anything easy like carrots or potatoes, lest it peel my finger too. I bought ours at one of the summer shows and was really skeptical about a peeler getting through a squash or suede but it does work if you get the right peeler.

One of the benefits of having a big brute of a husband is his skill in chopping swede.

If he's not available to chop, then we do without.

I am happy to loan him out...

When we had one for Burns Night I took it outside with the biggest meat cleaver and split it like a log. It's the only way to do it whilst they're raw!