Short of an angle grinder how the fuck do you chop a swede?

[Chinchinatti]

I've just spent a half hour trying to chop a turnip. It has to be THE most unforgiving cunt of a vegetable. I've dents in my hand from the fucking thing.
I sharpened my big knife and everything and still I couldn't get half way through the bastard bollocks of a cunt of a thing.
It's my favourite vegetable, but fuck me, every time, I swear I'm never buying another one.
Is there some knack to chopping the cunt that I'm unaware of?

When I was a wee girl we didn't have the luxury of pumpkins so my parents had to carve a lantern out of a neep--can you imagine how much of a pain in the arse that was

Microwave the entire thing then it chops up no problem.

I used DP's head 😁

Why are you eating swede on the hottest day of the year?! Haha

Butternut squash- spike it with a fork like a jacket potato and then roast it whole. Chop once cooked- so easy.

Ugh. I got one in my veg box delivery on the first day of lockdown When I was already nervous about food supply. It was like they were taunting me. It was genuinely the size of my head. We’ve put it in the shed and are going to ceremonially eat it when lock down is released, by when it should be a bit soft. I’ll be asking for summer recipes with swede

My mum used to make us carve them for Halloween, at an age when we weren't even allowed sharp knives. She cut the top off, then we had to spend literally hours hacking at the middle with a spoon.

It wasn't even that long ago (90's), pumpkins were definitely available. Pure sadism.

I use a long thin cheapo knife that slides in easily and lever it up and down until it works around in a circle. Then cut the halves into sections, slice the peel off and dice. I find it harder with larger knives and they tend to get stuck more.

Pretty much the same with squashes too, just cut off however much I need and slice off the skin instead of fannying with a peeler.

I use a cleaver that I got from a Chinese catering supplier, it was about £10. Perfect for the job, although I swear I'll take a finger off with it one day.

I fancy one of these though.
uk.knivesandtools.eu/en/pt/-zwilling-gourmet-chinese-chef-s-knife-18-cm-36112-181.htm?gclid=CjwKCAjwqpP2BRBTEiwAfpiD-wJ6T1DOMaztBF3ADsS2_o0bMGE5MO-1rBKcd4L8dE2BJCsGS4-Z-hoCdiwQAvD_BwE

I have some Zwilling cuticle scissors that were in a manicure set my DF bought me when I was 14. Fifty years later, they're as sharp as the day I got them.

I concede it's a bit pricey though. We'd have to eat a lot of swede to make it worth the investment.

Just last week it took two of us to the the bastard knife out of the butternut which was stuck in it solid.

We don't get turnips here, thank goodness going by this thread. But we get Hubbard squash. I call it a nope squash. Now that is one ugly fucker and a complete bitch to get into. I have no shame in buying ready chopped. If I have to do it myself then I need a few weeks to prepare myself as I know I'll be in a mood after.

With difficulty.

I got the knife stuck in a swede once so I just put the whole fucker in a pan of boiling water knife and all and cooked the knife and the swede together till soft

C'mon its easy ...
Either peel with D peeler or slice some bottom off so it sits flat,then use a flexible fish knife to slice the peel off, following the curve of the swede .
Then with a big chef knife slice downwards into thick circles,then you can dice each slice in turn .
Whole swede is done in 5mins .

Wait a minute, OP, are you English talking about swedes or Scottish talking about swedes.
If it's an English swede/Scottish turnip my dad always uses power tools, my mum doesn't deal with them at all. I, on the other hand, am regarded as the lost Queen of the Celts as I just chop it up with a knife DDad tells strangers in the pub when he's drunks

I find that the knack to getting the first slice is to slowly roll it as you seesaw the knife.

It's easier to get the other slices if you then sit it on the cut surface.

Butternut Squash is much easier.

bobbikato, don't tell my dad that, I think he thinks it's only me

Oh the smell of a Halloween turnip lantern! I’m so sad they sell pumpkins in Scotland now.

I leave it for DH to prepare as I am a wimp where swedes are concerned, I usually get the knife stuck.

@ghostmous3 😂😂 For some reason I'm visualising that as a scene from something like Game of Thrones.

They really are a sod of a vegetable.

Turnips at Halloween here too... my dad used to use an electric carving knife! I still do one every year but just with a knife and very sturdy spoon [spoon]

Using my most lethal looking knife.

I leave it in the fridge for about 2 months before attempting to cut it 😂

I have no idea but just wanted to thank you for the sweary angryness of your post - properly made me laugh! :-)

I misread one of the answers as Trump - definitely Freudian or something -chopping (thinks a bit...)

What... I just chop it in half then slice it into lengths then cubes. Am I buying tiny baby swedes or something? And who peels butternut squash?! Cut the ends off, cut in half lengthways, scoop out the seeds then cut into cubes and roast.