Short of an angle grinder how the fuck do you chop a swede?

[Chinchinatti]

I've just spent a half hour trying to chop a turnip. It has to be THE most unforgiving cunt of a vegetable. I've dents in my hand from the fucking thing.
I sharpened my big knife and everything and still I couldn't get half way through the bastard bollocks of a cunt of a thing.
It's my favourite vegetable, but fuck me, every time, I swear I'm never buying another one.
Is there some knack to chopping the cunt that I'm unaware of?

Definitely the microwave option! It'll need about 15-20 minutes but I do it in 5 minute bursts and keep checking it by sticking a knife in. Once it's done you just scoop out the middle, add butter and black pepper and 😋

Butternut squash and turnip are nothing to the steely resistance of a Queensland blue pumpkin. As a "new Australian" pommy child, I witnessed my mother attack one on the woodpile chopping block with a tomahawk. It had broken her best knives.

Channel your inner rage, OP. It's the only thing that works for me.

I use a proper murderer of a knife, fucker is massive.

Even then I usually end up with the thing embedded and I have to do the lift and whack to split it.

Silver linings, it's a work out

bastard bollocks of a cunt of a thing

😂😂😂

Peel it and then parcook it then chop. Same with butternut squash. Butternut squash tastes better when you roast it whole before using it in dishes anyway.

So glad I'm not the only one, they're absolute fuckers. I use a massive knife, brute force and a lot of swearing. I do love Swede though. Try them roasted if you haven't already, cut into very chunky chips, coat in oil, sprinkle of salt, 30-40 minutes in a hot oven.

Take it outside.
Put it in the compost bin.
It's not worth the effort.

I don't know but I'm loving the sweariness of your OP

Swedes are indeed fuckers

(the vegetable, not the people. Scandinavian Swedes are lovely on the whole)

I have been known to hit the knife with a hammer

Like a terrible hookup, you put the edge in, bang and split.

My mum used to carve one for Halloween! Before pumpkins it's what all the Scots did, she says she used to use a hammer and a chisel 😂🤣

I love swede but rarely buy now because of this. Also butternut squash, (was watching cookery show recently, either Rick Stein or Nigel Slater and couldn't believe how easy they made it look!) However, I do have a small knife which is thin (cuts through easier) but strong. If it's a huge one I cut from side bit by bit. Think in future I will get ready chopped though. Can't be arsed with it. Just wondering if an electric knife would handle it? If I were to cook joints often (not likely) I always said I'd get one.

I recommend an axe.

With a lovely Japanese knife.

When I was a kid we had turnips for Halloween here in Northumberland too, we also say turnip instead of swede.

Best way to cook is definitely to microwave first. If you can't microwave it then stick the point of your knife in the top and slice downwards so you slice through half of it, then spin it around the other way, pit the point of the knife in and slice downwards on the other side. Once it's in two halves lie then flat side down and slice it into semi-circles, peel them with a paring knife, then chop into cubes.

Take it outside, feed it to any passing cattle.

(Or put in in the microwave for 15 minutes.)

My mum nearly broke her wrist trying to cut into a swede. She had to wear a wrist support for weeks and I just wouldn't go to those lengths for a vegetable.

Cake, maybe. Never a vegetable.

I've never cooked a swede before cutting it, but I cut mine pretty much how @KKSlider says.

Sometimes, I start cutting, find the knife gets stuck, then hit the top of the blade with a rolling pin to hammer the knife down.

Our greengrocer chops it up at the counter for customers.

Turnips I grate, they're good on salad.

Swedes I chop, fuckoff big meat cleaver pushed through it.

Butternut squash I halve (cleaver again) and roast.

i buy all that stuff pre chopped no shame in my game HOWEVER the local farm shop veg box included one intact and it's just festering in the fridge currently as i've no bloody idea.

Buy it chopped. Life really is too short to dismember a Swede.

Axe?
Chainsaw?

Tin of beans instead?

I use a big chef's knife to try and cut it in half. I use a sort of rocking motion to get it as far in as possible, then whack it on the worktop until it eventually gets through.