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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not appreciate looks and leers from men?

122 replies

notanobject · 20/05/2020 10:23

*name change

I was out early this morning walking my dog and in running gear (right leggings and vest) as I planned to go for a run for the first time in a while. Not many people were out but two men playing loud music on a bench. I walk past and both are just staring at me, heads moving as I walk and I feel uncomfortable. I turn down a road, so they can see the back of me and I'm still uncomfortable because I can feel their eyes on my backside. When I walk my dog back to my house, they are still there and still looking at me.

I still haven't gone out for a run this morning, I'm so put off.

I'm not even attractive either which is weird, you would expect this to happen to good looking people right? This used to happenen all the time in my late teens (I'm late 20s now) that I refused to leave the house, especially in the summer. And I never make myself look nice, as much as I'd like to because I don't like or want looks from men.

Does this happen to anyone else?

What do you do when it happens? It's difficult to ignore because it's just too creepy.

Would you say anything to creeps who stare? I feel like confronting and screaming.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 20/05/2020 12:40

YABU and you are dramatising the entire encounter. You “could feel”? No, you couldn’t. You imagined it because you have some fabrication of men looking at you.

Looking at people when they’re out and about is normal. If you don’t like it, don’t go out.

h3av3n · 20/05/2020 12:41

Yes it isn't healthy but neither is living in a world where we are objectified so much.... She isn't the only woman who is affected by it, more blame should be with the men for the way it affects women. It's not crazy to be affected by it,it's not healthy to constantly be treated as an object and a decoration when in public

h3av3n · 20/05/2020 12:43

'If you don't like it don't go out' how about the men shouldn't go out if they're going to leer at women and inspect their body parts? I feel like the women who are commenting saying the op is being silly are women who don't constantly get leered at, checked out and sexualised when they're in public? So can't understand what it's actually like?

FergusSingsTheBlues · 20/05/2020 12:46

I’m kind of appalled at a lot of the responses on here

Surely most of know what OP is feeling ?

SharonasCorona · 20/05/2020 12:47

Sadly I’m not even surprised anymore. MN is a hotbed of misogyny, internalised and from men.

MarieQueenofScots · 20/05/2020 12:47

Of course most of us know what the OP is feeling, but the usual suspects will turn up to say how the poor men are totally misunderstood.

Pure thickery.

PhoneLock · 20/05/2020 12:48

I feel like the women who are commenting saying the op is being silly are women who don't constantly get leered at, checked out and sexualised when they're in public?

Constantly? Now who is being silly?

MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 20/05/2020 12:50

Hi all. Looks like we have a troll posting under multiple names on this thread - we've deleted those posts and sent them on their way.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/05/2020 12:51

Yes not all men do it. Not a lot in fact. Just a certain kind.

Most men do it imho. I just let it slide off me. My favourite was the nice looking man in the grocery shop who crashed his trolley into another trolley because he was too busy staring at me going the other way down the aisle. I think it’s amusing when they embarrass themselves. :)

AwwDontGo · 20/05/2020 12:51

You are not being unreasonable to hate men that leer at you however I’m intrigued by your comment

.....and I'm still uncomfortable because I can feel their eyes on my backside

How does that work? You should be pissed off about the actual leering but I don’t think you should let your imagination add in extra leering that you can’t possibly know happened.

SharonasCorona · 20/05/2020 12:55

So @Rubywhox turned out to be a troll and probably male. There’s a surprise 😂

h3av3n · 20/05/2020 12:56

Why act like the op is imagining things? Men will often turn their head ready to check out the bum when you go past, I'm sure many of you know what she means by feeling their eyes there..especially as she was wearing leggings which show the shape, that's why they're considered 'sexy' but obviously are important for sports

PicsInRed · 20/05/2020 12:57

AwwDontGo

You can tell because they go quiet. And probably because we've all seen it happen to other women so know just what the quiet means. Hmm

It's as obvious to a woman that she is being watched by a predator someone who might want something, as it is to any living being. We have our senses to protect us from harm.

beabitnicer · 20/05/2020 12:58

" I'm still uncomfortable because I can feel their eyes on my backside"

I'm sorry OP but this is a little dramatic.

If you didn't look you have no way of knowing if they were still looking at you. I know you said you could feel their eyes but that's in your head and if you're a little sensitive or paranoid about these things you might 'feel it' even if it's not happening.

I know in the past I've 'felt' people looking at me when I've been self conscious/embarrassed/ect and in reality it's all been in my head.

PicsInRed · 20/05/2020 13:00

SharonasCorona

Pretty much.
It's not amazing how obvious these guys are and also how little awareness that have of how unable they are to convincingly "write woman" online.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/05/2020 13:00

I agree with PPs, OP you should try not to let it control your life. Staying in the house because of fear of men’s looks is a type of agoraphobia. It’s not pleasant. It does happen. But look at it like dog poo. It’s your senses telling you things to not get too close to: dog poo and leery men.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 20/05/2020 13:06

I can't quite get my head around someone 'choosing' to stay overweight in order to discourage perceived or otherwise attention.

GinGinHooray · 20/05/2020 13:07

I have recently lost weight and started running....I have had similar experiences where men (not all men, but some) have openly stared, eyes following me, looking at my body (staring openly at my jiggly bits!)

It makes me very uncomfortable.

I feel if I was dressed up to impress, hair and make up done, heels on etc. I would feel more prepared to be looked at (have my armour on!?) but just in my sweaty running gear, huffing and puffing away...I just feel so vulnerable and violated.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/05/2020 13:09

someone 'choosing' to stay overweight in order to discourage perceived or otherwise attention.

Very common among child sex abuse victims. Have you seen movie Precious? That does a good job showing the thought process. It can linger well into adulthood....the perpetual living in fear and keeping yourself unattractive in an androgynous way. Overweight/fat blurs sex differences. Very sad for victims.

picklemewalnuts · 20/05/2020 13:10

Well this thread is full of charmers. I won't hang around because my blood will start to boil.

People who are looking/glancing behave very differently to the creepy stare OP is talking about. If you haven't noticed that, you are either male or remarkably unobservant.

I had the misfortune to be sat with a friend's husband while he checked women out at the pool. I'd just got over feeling very self conscious, and watching his behaviour brought it all back again.

There's a huge difference between 'noticing' and the kind of assessing, weighing up, judging kind of look OP is aware of. And yes, you can feel it. How, I don't know, but you can.

wizzywig · 20/05/2020 13:13

God i wish blokes would leer and lust over me

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 20/05/2020 13:18

I fully agree with @Moondust001 who wrote few very rational posts in here.

ILikeSardines · 20/05/2020 13:21

Incredible responses on this thread.

OP on all the other threads about this and in real life conversations of course women know about this. It starts when we're girls. Men have started looking at my 10yo. And when women notice 'looking' what we mean is eyeing, staring, eyes up and down etc.

I've always hated it and most other women do.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 20/05/2020 13:21

Also, I saw drug dealers behaving that way. Sitting, waiting for customers and staring at people passing, I guess to intimidate so no one stays there long. Or for fun. They are dickheads, but they stared like this at man too.

PicsInRed · 20/05/2020 13:22

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow

"Rational", you say. 🤔