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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to ask?

84 replies

rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 21:57

DP will do anything I ask of him, clean the loo, change nappies, even clean the oven!! However I have to ask every single time. He used to do little and after a few yrs of me resenting it, it unfolded that apparently he just didn't realise (I'm not so sure) but he said, just tell me what you want doing and I will do it! So now I do, but I hate it! I'm not his mother, I have no inclination to"mother" him, I want a partner, an equal and not a puppet and it's really doing my head in!

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 19/05/2020 22:01

I’m afraid that’s just the majority of men and how they have been brought up. Write a list of all tasks and when you think they need done and tell him you think it’s an equal thing and if he notices something needs doing he should do it , unless he feels he’s done his fair share in which case he can ask you to do something. It’s called the “mental load”. There’s a cartoon strip on how it always falls to the woman. It’s very famous.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2020 22:07

I would try to have another conversation about this. Calmly. Tell him it would mean a lot for you to take initiative, because he surely knows what needs to be done without you asking. Explain to him how the dynamic of "mothering" him is very distressing and you don't want this to impact your relationship. I would mention that he knows what to do at work without being told every single thing to do, so he is capable of that at home.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 22:14

Thank you it really is affecting the dynamic of our relationship, I'm not articulate enough to know how to put it into words but it does affect my attraction to him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2020 22:19

You are more than articulate enough. Say what you've said here and maybe some of what I've said. You need to face this head on before your resentment turns into something you can't come back from.

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2020 22:21

You need a conversation about him stepping up and doing his fair share. Not him helping you. Doing his share. That’s totally different. You shouldn’t be carrying all the mental load about getting stuff done, as well as doing it all.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 22:22

I'd be I interested to know why people have voted YABU Is it because I have set a precedent after allowing it to go on for so long??

OP posts:
RoosterPie · 19/05/2020 22:23

My DH is similar. Drives me mad because it means I have to carry the mental load of remembering what needs doing and asking him. It also then feels like it is being done for my benefit whereas it’s both of our house and both of our responsibility.

TorkTorkBam · 19/05/2020 22:25

Get him to make a list of things that are his job from now on. You then drop the mental load for, hoovering, laundry, keeping the living room tidy, whatever.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 22:25

@role does it ever affect the way you see him in terms of attraction??

OP posts:
Mnthrowaway20202 · 19/05/2020 22:26

I wouldn’t say the majority of men. Plenty of men take the initiative to carry out household tasks.

You definitely need to have another chat to him.

TorkTorkBam · 19/05/2020 22:27

It is unclear what YABU and YANBU are voting for when there is a negative in a title.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 22:27

That sounds like a really good idea @TorkTorkBam ... Will set give that a go

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2020 22:28

It really isn’t tork. Confused

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 22:28

Ahh ok @TorkTorkBam I'm learning!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2020 22:30

That sounds like a really good idea @TorkTorkBam ... Will set give that a go

I would be wary of that because what could well happen is he won’t do those jobs and you’ll still have to remind him, and he could end up thinking everything apart from those things are now not his responsibility any more.

You need him to understand how he is making you feel so he will change his attitude.

RandomMess · 19/05/2020 22:30

In would also tell him
That it makes you feel like his mother not his partner and it's a real turn off sexually...

Buy him a copy of the book wifework...

billy1966 · 19/05/2020 22:33

Of course it is reasonable not to have to ask him for every job.

Agree a list of jobs that he should assume are his...don't be shy, throw a good few his way...

Then you will feel less inclined to ask him for other bits.

Mother husband is an Ick dynamic..

Once you have the curse of the Ick....it's all over.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/05/2020 22:34

The other option is that you accept that in most workplaces there are managers and there are minions.

The managers... manage. They sort out the rota, they organise the lists, they sort the priorities, they ensure that what needs doing is done.

But they don’t actually do any of the grunt work. Cleaning shit off the toilet - minion job. Vacuuming - minion job. Washing up - minion job - the manager is too busy sorting out the menu for the next week to start scrubbing ketchup off the plate.

If your husband can’t cope with organising the tasks then that is fine. You do all the organising. He does all the grunt work. The error that you are making is that you are doing (probably more than) half the grunt work and all the managing. You are the manager. That is all you do. He hasn’t got the skills to be the manager. He cleans up the shit.

KeepWashingThoseHands · 19/05/2020 22:36

Unless your partner is visually impaired (and apologies to those who are I don't mean to be rude), is there a reason he can't 'see' things need doing and he has to wait to be told?

How the hell has he got a job and what does he do for a living if there is zero initiative?

You need to outline very clearly in an adult to adult way that this behaviour is a parent-child relationship.

KeepWashingThoseHands · 19/05/2020 22:37

@Mumoftwoyoungkids

Love it :). Managers and minions at home.

Disquieted1 · 19/05/2020 22:37

I think that for some people it's about thresholds. One might think that the grass needs cutting, another may think it's fine as it is. One might think that you need to go shopping, the other may think that you can knock something together from leftovers.
It sounds like your DH is not a lazy sod, just blind to it.

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2020 22:41

It sounds like your DH is not a lazy sod, just blind to it.

On what basis? It’s really lazy to not want to bother to think about what might need doing and assume that the op is the default person to do everything.

shookbelves · 19/05/2020 22:42

Write a list (a long list) and stick it up in a prominent place.

Next time he asks, point him in the general direction of the list and tell him to use his initiative.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 19/05/2020 22:49

@rabbitheadlights - YABU
For the following reason - you claim that while he does everything around the house (can guarantee you that majority of MN posters would be delighted with that!) - you need to tell him everything Hmm BUT you cannot communicate it clearly I'm not articulate enough to know how to put it into words - so why is it his fault? Confused

It is not mothering in my books as he is doing everything. Yes it sounds frustrating to you, but clearly you are also at fault as you expect him to read your mind without articulating it clearly.

As PP said, you need to sit down and find a communication method that works for both of you.

Nsky · 19/05/2020 22:58

I think you could write on fridge these things need doing, could you do, no asking then

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