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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to ask?

84 replies

rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 21:57

DP will do anything I ask of him, clean the loo, change nappies, even clean the oven!! However I have to ask every single time. He used to do little and after a few yrs of me resenting it, it unfolded that apparently he just didn't realise (I'm not so sure) but he said, just tell me what you want doing and I will do it! So now I do, but I hate it! I'm not his mother, I have no inclination to"mother" him, I want a partner, an equal and not a puppet and it's really doing my head in!

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 19/05/2020 22:58

@letmethinkaboutitfornow where did I say he does everything? I actually said he will do ANYTHING I ask.

I said I'm not articulate enough to put into words how it affects the way I feel in terms of attraction to him!

OP posts:
ThePianist38 · 19/05/2020 23:08

So you feel less attracted to him because you need to ask him to clean the oven ? 😂😂 men are very simple people, they do need prompting and clear instructions

Are you sure you love him ??

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 19/05/2020 23:09

@rabbitheadlights - DP will do anything I ask of him
how would you define the difference? Confused

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2020 23:17

men are very simple people, they do need prompting and clear instructions

How patronising. It’s a shame that some people have such low expectations of men.

tillytown · 19/05/2020 23:20

ThePianist38 No. Men are not idiots, they don't need instructions to do basic tasks.

Sobeyondthehills · 19/05/2020 23:23

men are very simple people, they do need prompting and clear instructions

Yeah that is bollocks, literally the only thing I have to remind my partner to do is take the rubbish out when he goes out. TBF he also has to remind me as well, we have now taken to putting it by the door to make sure we don't forget (live in a second floor flat)

ThePianist38 · 19/05/2020 23:25

PurpleDaisies -oh please give me a break , I bet your husband is not coming home after work and tells you: I’ll give the oven a clean and then I’ll quickly run the hoover and do the dusting 😂😂

endoflevelbaddy · 19/05/2020 23:25

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

Get him to read this. My DH had no concept of the mental load or how much it pissed me off despite him 'helping' as much as he did. I've spent a long time trying to help him to understand but I think the link is a succinct way to get it across (assuming he interested in working with you).

As I took promotions that took me away from home and our 2 DCs more, he started to get it. And once I stop prepping everything for him before I went he had to get to grips with things quickly. We rarely argue about this stuff anymore.

I do think the majority of men are like this, whether they don't see it / have different standards / weren't raised to get involved with the household stuff (as was the case with my DH). Their attitude towards fixing it is where some are very different, and it should be a team effort otherwise it really takes its toll on the relationship as a whole.

RandomMess · 19/05/2020 23:26

All this men that manage to hold down jobs but can't work out what needs to be done to keep a home and family running... 🙄

JaineyMac · 19/05/2020 23:26

Unless he’s Clinton Baptiste, you’ll need to tell him.

BackforGood · 19/05/2020 23:33

I think @Aquamarine1029 has articulated it well in her replies near the top of P1.

Sit down with him and let him know how it makes you feel, having to ask him to do each task. Let him know it makes you feel like you are his parent, not his equal partner. Suggest together you write a list of the things that need doing daily / weekly / monthly, and divide them up, and then each of you will know what is on your 'list' and then no-one will have to ask the other to do them.
Can be flexible - "Whoever cooks, the other one clears up and washes up or loads the dishwasher"
or can be fixed - "I'll do all the vacuuming each week and you clean the bathroom each week".......... "I'll do the recycling and you empty the bins from round the house into the outside bin every week"....... "I'll keep on top of the laundry and you do all the shopping"........."I'll keep on top of insurances / bills / utilities / banking and you do all the birthday card buying and sending / remembering dates for things" ......etc etc etc.
Or, if you both hate doing particular jobs, then divide the jobs and swap week and week about.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/05/2020 23:35

"you only" know" to do stuff when I ask. What happens to our child if I die tomorrow? Will you have to give her up? "

SleepingStandingUp · 19/05/2020 23:36

Oops forgot to quote your bit about not being articulate enough. The above is hat I'd ask him

nellodee · 19/05/2020 23:38

This comic strip is brilliant about the mental load.
You should have asked

RememberTheSunnierDays · 19/05/2020 23:38

My partner is the same and I also hate asking! I downloaded the organised mum app at the weekend and as we share purchases on our phones, he can access it too. It has a list if jobs per day and I told him tonight that he should check it and do any outstanding jobs each day. He said he will, but we will see.

Peakypolly · 19/05/2020 23:41

PurpleDaisies -oh please give me a break , I bet your husband is not coming home after work and tells you: I’ll give the oven a clean and then I’ll quickly run the hoover and do the dusting 😂😂
My DH does exactly that.
My acceptable level of tidyness is much lower than his.

cdtaylornats · 19/05/2020 23:51

Men learn early on that showing initiative only leads to arguments - why did you do that; I already did that; you did that wrong.

nellodee · 19/05/2020 23:52

@endoflevelbaddy just saw you posted the same thing!

OneandTwenty · 19/05/2020 23:57

We've solved that problem in my house, we've split the tasks. If anyone needs or want help with something else, they ask. Otherwise they just get on with it.

It means you don't even have to think as it's not your problem. And no one has to double-check anything. It works for me. None of this "mental load" crap, I have enough to do with my kids, I don't need or fancy mothering my own husband or be treated like a child by him.

OneandTwenty · 20/05/2020 00:00

I do think the majority of men are like this
I am honestly not sure it's a "man" vs "woman" as such. There are so many threads about female posters claiming cars/gardening/ diy/rubbish has nothing to do with them.

MadameMeursault · 20/05/2020 00:02

Aaarrgghhh the mental load. Google it and read about it OP, then tackle him with your new knowledge.

It would do my head in when DC1 was born and I had to keep telling DH what to do and he would say he didn’t mind me telling him, and I had to explain to him very clearly that I minded! It was so stressful trying to think of everything that needed doing and tell him what to do all the time. Ffs! Look around you! Think for yourself!

Another thing that does my head in is when he says I’ll help you with such and such like he’s doing me a massive favour assisting with this task that is clearly my job. No!! It’s your fucking clothes / dishes / meal too!!!

justkeepmovingon · 20/05/2020 00:07

The post that @endoflevelbaddy put up, that's what changed my whole relationship.

I sat my husband down and said read this understand this or move out, it had got pretty bad and even I hadn't appreciated how much I found him totally unattractive, I was carrying all the load, and running a business and I broke.

It's simply not an excuse the not "see" what needs doing it's lazy and disrespectful.

There is another articles that's about a glass next to a dishwasher, I'll come back on it I find it.

That works too!

justkeepmovingon · 20/05/2020 00:11

Found it!!

This works wonders, I shared with my DH and let him digest the message.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

BelfryBat · 20/05/2020 00:12

I’d give him a list of responsibilities and tell him how and how often they need to be done. E.g. laundry: one load a day, ironing every Wednesday and Friday evening, clean the fridge Saturday morning, make the kids’ lunches Sunday to Thursday evening. Then he knows what he’s supposed to do and when.