To not want to ask?

[rabbitheadlights]

DP will do anything I ask of him, clean the loo, change nappies, even clean the oven!! However I have to ask every single time. He used to do little and after a few yrs of me resenting it, it unfolded that apparently he just didn't realise (I'm not so sure) but he said, just tell me what you want doing and I will do it! So now I do, but I hate it! I'm not his mother, I have no inclination to"mother" him, I want a partner, an equal and not a puppet and it's really doing my head in!

The reason that many men don't do stuff is precisely because they weren't taught to do stuff

That’s another load of sexist bollocks. MIL had both her boys doing housework as soon as they were big enough. There isn’t a job around the house OH can’t do.

That said, I tend to do inside and he does outside as I’m not great with a lawnmower. I’m sure if it were a shared task, he’d have to tell me when he thinks the grass needs cut. It always looks fine to me when he says it needs done, just as he can leave a bathroom for two or three weeks before he thinks it needs done but I think it needs done every week.

People just have different levels of stuff they accept and stuff they don’t. If we expect someone else to follow our expectations we can’t be annoyed they don’t automatically jump and do things when we think they need done.

Tbh DH feels like this with me I think. Not cleaning but quite often I'm saying "just tell me what you want and I'll do it/help you". I dont like that he expects me to know what he wants doing. If you want something doing just ask.
I'm often saying "can you empty the dishwasher while I cook dinner?" It takes me a second to ask.

Different standards are fine and can be agreed and resolved

I don’t think the issue here is different standards but lack of taking responsibility for any mental load and offloading that to the wife

The issue is certainty not the wife being picky about any standards

I never understood this idea that pointing out something needs to doing is this terrible mental load. Needing to ask continually for the same thing that never gets done- sure, but screaming "mental load" because you say "would you mind cleaning the oven" and the oven is cleaned is ridiculous.

@sherlockia it’s the feeling that nothing will happen unless you instigate it, either by doing it yourself or telling your supposedly equal partner to do it. That’s what the mental load is.

I never understood this idea that pointing out something needs to doing is this terrible mental load.

It is if you are the one who has to be on top of everything. In some cases it's self-inflicted, with a "my way or it's wrong", but if you have to be the only adult in the house whilst your partner meekly does what you tell him to.. it must be exhausting and so unattractive.

Even my cleaner doesn't need everything spelt out, cleaning a room obviously means hoovering, windows, dusting, cleaning underneath furniture you can reach..

I have sympathy if it's needing to constantly ask and nothing happens, and then the person is accused of nagging, but I also see a lot of people with very high standards or the need for everything to be done to their timeline that go on and on and complain about mental load.

Spell it out with a rota of who does what & when. He prob has no idea how often stuff needs doing & thinks once a month is fine then forgets as it's been so long since he last did it.

That said, I tend to do inside and he does outside as I’m not great with a lawnmower. I’m sure if it were a shared task, he’d have to tell me when he thinks the grass needs cut. It always looks fine to me when he says it needs done, just as he can leave a bathroom for two or three weeks before he thinks it needs done but I think it needs done every week.

A lawn doesn't need cutting as often as a bathroom needs cleaning, in my opinion.