Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to know if DH has cheated?

40 replies

soph1987 · 18/05/2020 14:39

I was wondering what people's general opinions are on this. I'm not married so this isn't about me!

It came up in a discussion with my best friend who was meant to get married this summer. She said if her DP ever kissed anyone else she wouldn't like to know. She knows she wouldn't end the relationship over it but it would cause too much hurt and anxiety. We didn't get to sexual affairs but I think she thinks differently there.

But it got me thinking... in which situation would you just not want to know?

For example, if my DP did something when drunk in a nightclub on a lads holiday I probably wouldn't want to know provided he regretted it and didn't ever want to do it again. Of course you can't ever really know the truth but sometimes I think it's best to just not know.

So then I started thinking what I would want to know. I realised that if my DP cheated (sex) one time (let's say a one night stand) provided he felt remorseful and wouldn't do it again, I'd probably not want to know.

What about you guys?

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 18/05/2020 14:43

I’d want to know, because then I’m fully informed when I make my own decisions. I also anyone who has a drunken shag will do it more than once with more than one person and I’d hate to not to know that my sexual health wasn’t under my control.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 18/05/2020 14:45

A drunken one off snog no need to know, and emotional affair or sexual affair then need to know.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/05/2020 14:47

I'd want to know because I'd end a relationship over any kind of cheating, even if it was just a drunken kiss.

Sciurus83 · 18/05/2020 14:47

Same as you. A one off that was regretted I wouldn't want to know. I'd like to think I could get past that, but it would cause so much unnecessary pain I would rather not know.

Original poster
soph1987 · 18/05/2020 14:48

@lellykelly good point re sexual health!! Ok yes I've changed my mind there.

I think emotional affair also would depend for me. I recently read about "cyber infidelity" prompted by a post on here actually, it is not an emotional affair or a sexual affair but is another form - like sexting with strangers. Don't think I'd want to know that either to be honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
soph1987 · 18/05/2020 14:49

In my head I just think so many people have probably crossed a boundary in a marriage but a lot of the spouses won't know, these people can go on to have loving happy marriages. I just wouldn't want to know unless the act was enough to make me leave.

I don't think I'd be strong enough to leave over a kiss.

OP posts:
Crazybunnylady123 · 18/05/2020 15:17

If he cheated on me I would leave him. Because that’s what I would expect if I did anything. Only treat people the way you are willing to be treated.
He knows this as well so anything would be the end and I mean it.

PersephoneandHades · 18/05/2020 15:22

I would want to know. Even if my partner did deeply regret it (any form of affair to any extent) I would want to know so that at the end of the day I was in my marriage because I chose to be, not because I was ignorant of something.

If I did truly love my partner and they also truly loved me I would want them to have enough faith in our relationship that they felt they could tell me and we’d be able to get through it. If I found out years later or from someone else I would feel as though I had been sharing my life with a stranger.

FlowerArranger · 18/05/2020 15:27

These things rarely happen just once. Having got away with it once, or twice, why not keep doing it... And so it goes on.

Not wanting to know = building a castle on sand.

Alsohuman · 18/05/2020 15:28

I’m a rare bird on MN because I absolutely wouldn’t want to know. It horrifies me when the chorus of “Tell her” starts at the mention of infidelity. A drunken kiss wouldn’t even register for me.

SallyWD · 18/05/2020 15:35

A drunken snog I wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't end a relationship over that so it's best not to know. An affair then I would definitely want to know.

Subeccoo · 18/05/2020 15:38

I would leave him even after a drunken snog. It's all cheating to me, I just coupant be with someone who did that.
Then again my dh isn't the kind of bloke that goes out without me getting drunk so the whole thing would be very out of character!
I couldn't stay.

Lailaloo747 · 18/05/2020 15:38

I’d want to know. I wouldn’t care if it was a drunken snog, a full blown love affair, a bunk up with an old flame or a shag with a prostitute. Whatever it was he’d be out the door.
I’d also hate the thought of anyone else knowing if I didn’t....

Subeccoo · 18/05/2020 15:39

Oh and I'd 100% want to know, no matter what the offence was

NeutrinoWrangler · 18/05/2020 15:46

It would fundamentally change how I felt about someone to know they had cheated (on me or on a friend or family member), so I'd want to know the truth about who they really are. Whether or not I'd leave would depend on the circumstances, but I think I'd want to know that they'd proven they couldn't be trusted.

My husband and I don't drink, so there's no chance of it happening after one-too-many drinks, but I'm not sure I'd accept that as an excuse, anyway. In my opinion, you shouldn't put yourself in the way of temptation, be that by having too much to drink to control yourself, by spending lots of alone time with someone you're strongly attracted to, or whatever other scenario you know puts you to the test.

thepeopleversuswork · 18/05/2020 15:47

I'd want to know of any infidelity because I couldn't continue with the relationship. Even if it was only digital cheating/emotional affair.

Not only could I not trust someone who had done that to me, I couldn't be sexually attracted enough to them to want to maintain a physical relationship with them.

What is the point being in an exclusive relationship with someone if its not exclusive? You're so much better off being on your own.

maria860 · 18/05/2020 15:57

I slept with someone before I had a short split with my partner and slept with someone I knew but we was not technically together it was kind of like the Ross/Rachel thing.
As I'm quite an honest person I told him and then asked him go either forgive me or walk away.
I had to tell him as the risk of it going back and I didn't want to live like that. Also I felt he had a right to know. I still loved my partner a lot at that time and it didn't mean I didn't love him i was just not in a good place mentally at the time.
Like I said it was not really cheating in my eyes as we was not together and I didn't know if we would get back together.
But he forgave me and I wouldn't do it again.
An affair or sneaking around it different and it's intended and completely lying to your partner but what happened with me was a Sporadic mistake and if this was the case then no I wouldn't want to know and if I did I would forgive a one off mistake like mine was.

Nottherealslimshady · 18/05/2020 15:59

I'd want to know. We've both discussed this and agreed. They lying would be worse than the cheating.

Original poster
soph1987 · 18/05/2020 16:05

Agree that lying is the worst part. But it could so easily destroy everything.

I always thought I'd want to know.
If other people knew and it was local to me I'd absolutely want to know as people talking behind my back would ruin my self esteem

OP posts:
maria860 · 18/05/2020 16:06

Also my agreement was I would never tell him who it was as I didn't want him to put a face to it I think it would of made it more real if I did that.
But no way could I jump into bed with someone and live with that I always wonder if I did the right thing but I still stand by what I would want from someone and I beat myself up about it for a while actually well over a year but I made a mistake at the end of the day and I owned my mistake. Like I said I wouldn't forgive someone sneaking around on me or being disrespectful to me like that and I would want to know about it rather then being treated like a mug.
I think there are different scenarios of which you could get past and some you couldn't.

Meruem · 18/05/2020 16:07

I think it's tricky to say yes I'd accept this but not that. For example, a drunken snog with a stranger is one thing, what if it was a drunken snog with a colleague on a work night out (and in view of other co workers maybe) and they'd then see that person every day? For me that's 2 different scenarios. Although I have a major issue with looking like a fool. So I wouldn't accept a drunken kiss either because presumably my hypothetical guy would be out with his mates and they'd all know what he'd done.

maria860 · 18/05/2020 16:08

I think that's what I hate most is being lied to I've been cheated on it's an awful thing to go through and it was the lies not the actual cheating that made me feel insane and insecure.

Wolfgirrl · 18/05/2020 16:10

The trouble with a snog being okay but sex isn't is problematic because you would always be wondering they had gone further. In a lot of cases people only admit to a kiss to test the waters and see how forgiving their OH is, when actually they had gone further.

Mylittlepony374 · 18/05/2020 16:11

I would want to know. And I would leave if he kissed anyone else, had sex or an 'emotional affair' with someone else. Wouldn't look at him the same again.

GladAllOver · 18/05/2020 16:12

I wouldn't, and didn't, marry a man who goes away for drunken shagfests with his mates, so it's not something that would concern me.
If DH did have an affair it would have to be planned, and he knows that if he did that his feet wouldn't touch until he landed outside the door.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread