To not want to know if DH has cheated?

[soph1987]

I was wondering what people's general opinions are on this. I'm not married so this isn't about me!

It came up in a discussion with my best friend who was meant to get married this summer. She said if her DP ever kissed anyone else she wouldn't like to know. She knows she wouldn't end the relationship over it but it would cause too much hurt and anxiety. We didn't get to sexual affairs but I think she thinks differently there.

But it got me thinking... in which situation would you just not want to know?

For example, if my DP did something when drunk in a nightclub on a lads holiday I probably wouldn't want to know provided he regretted it and didn't ever want to do it again. Of course you can't ever really know the truth but sometimes I think it's best to just not know.

So then I started thinking what I would want to know. I realised that if my DP cheated (sex) one time (let's say a one night stand) provided he felt remorseful and wouldn't do it again, I'd probably not want to know.

What about you guys?

I'd dump my newish man I'm seeing if he cheated.

What's the point once the trust is gone and respect is lost.

I think that people who cheat will cheat again if you allow them to. If they respect you they won't cheat IMO.

Well he obviously wouldn't think much of me.if he kissed someone else. Of course I'd want to know, because if he's getting off with other people and getting away with it then he'll eventually stick his dick in someone else too, just because he can or whatever.

Goodness just dont tell your oh this.,

A relative voiced her wish that she had not known, yet her fiancé had knowingly put her at risk of STIs without warning her. She was also the victim of 'trickle truth' over weeks and months as he played at damage limitation, each time assuring her she had the whole truth this time.

I wl never forget sitting with her in the bleak waiting room of the crowded STI clinic with its peeling walls and battered plastic chairs, nor her response to the abnormal smear test result that followed.

He was sorry, he said. Sorry she found out, I thought. Next he was telling her HEE coukdn't deal with HER 'trust issues' and impatiently demanding to know when she'd be over it, i.e. pretend it had never happened. 😷🤮

I would want to know. Even if it was just a drunken snog. At the very least I would want to know if I was with the kind of person who gets drunk to the point of either not caring about the consequences of their actions, or isn't in control of their behaviour.

Even a drunken snog is unforgivable - how soon before it develops into a drunken shag? I would also be concerned that my partner was unable to control his alcohol intake and consequently making poor decisions.

Also, cyber infidelity is still infidelity, even if the people haven't met in person. Texting/skyping/sexting etc Being emotionally connected to someone outside of the partnership is wrong.

I would definitely want to know. Even a drunken kiss would probably be enough for me to end it. How would you ever trust again - it would always be on your mind when he was on nights out. Not for me. But each to their own boundaries I say!

I've been with my husband since i was 17 (38 now) and i can say hand on heart that if he were cheat on me then that would be the end of our marriage. I can tolerate a lot of things but this isn't one of them. It wouldn't just be the physical act of cheating, i'd feel emotionally betrayed and i know that i'd never be able to get over that. I found out a few years back that my parents, who are still together, both had affairs when me and my brothers were little. As a kid i had to put up with tension in the house and listen to my parents constantly nit pick and argue. Now i realise it was due to their infidelity, not wanting to stay together but not having the courage to leave either.

I always said that I wouldn’t want to know if it was a one off (even sex). But my oh had a one night stand a few years ago and didn’t tell me. I only found out after I started getting symptoms and tested positive for an std

Like many people DH and I said years ago that if one of us cheated it would be in the knowledge that our marriage would be over. I would want to know and I would end my marriage, as would he in the same circumstances. It's about knowing what you are risking and still going ahead and taking that risk. Yes I would want to know.

I saw a good article recently about this where the author (another woman in case it matters) was writing to men and said if you ever cheat you have two options: live with it and become a better partner OR break up with your partner. Never tell them basically because that’s the easy way out and hurts the partner and doesn’t help at all. I go along with this.

I always thought I'd want to know and DH would be out the door immediately.

As is quite often the case reality is different than you imagine and I'd really really rather not have found out about DH's infidelity.

Yes I would, same as Megatron it’s been made clear from the outset of our relationship that if either cheats, that’s the end of the relationship. No second chances.

I think that by making that categorically clear early on we have been on the same page within our relationship and worked together on what might be making us unhappy with clearer and more open conversation than either me or DH had in prior relationships.

I would want to know so I could split up. Forgave a cheater once, never again

I'm with AlsoHuman, I wouldn't want to know. Discretion is everything though.