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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging at my idiot uncle?

51 replies

TeddyIsaHe · 18/05/2020 12:51

I am so angry and worried.

My lovely grandma has been shielding (lung condition and 80yo) and today I’ve found out that my uncle - supermarket worker - has come down with covid symptoms and has been seeing grandma IN THE HOUSE.

I’m about ready to throttle him.

Would I BU to move in with grandma if he tests positive, as she lives alone and has already been in contact with covid? I’m so worried she’ll get ill and won’t be able to contact anyone. For fucks sake!!!

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 18/05/2020 13:12

Did he socially distance while in the house? Because she might not have been exposed if he did but then if you don’t she might then get it from you.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 18/05/2020 13:20

From what I’ve heard no he didn’t. He used the bathroom, and sat with her for coffees.

I obviously don’t want to give it to her, but Dd and I have been isolating for 10 weeks, my partner has been doing to shopping and none of use have had any symptoms at all. Which is a bit more safe than working full time in a supermarket Angry

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 18/05/2020 13:32

You would be rather stupid to move in someone that had tested positive, why would anyone risk themselves like that.

Your uncle has symptoms, no guarantee his actually got it though

Even IF he tests positive that is no guarantee Your grandma will get it.

Presumably he was shopping for her that’s why he was seeing her? Maybe you or your dp should take over doing her shop, then you can make sure you drop it off in a socially distanced way?

Call your grandma every day to check on her

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 18/05/2020 13:38

We’ve been doing her shopping! Dp has been dropping it off for the exact reason of my uncle being exposed to covid every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 18/05/2020 13:41

My parents own 2 care homes, my sister is a ward sister in a covid ward, my brother is 2nd year uni and revising. So we are the only ones that were actually safe enough to drop her shopping off.

I am just so angry at him for putting Grandma at risk like this. She has an iPad and is more than capable of FaceTiming. I wouldn’t mind if he was sitting in the garden with her, but it’s the fact he’s been in the house multiple times.

OP posts:
Lucygucy · 18/05/2020 13:57

Why aren't you angry at your Grandma too? She has presumably allowed herself to be put at risk by your uncle by allowing him in the house. She could have refused.
Why would you move in? I assume you didn't know he was going so why is her living situation any different now? Genuine question not being snarky

Badassmama · 18/05/2020 13:57

Yanbu at all and if you can move in or move her to you, why not. If I still had one I would.

MouthBreathingRage · 18/05/2020 14:00

Surely your grandmother has to take responsibility for her own wellbeing? Has she got full mental capacity, or has your uncle taken advantage?

Nicknacky · 18/05/2020 14:01

Does your grandmother even want you to move in? And she has clearly been happy to see your uncle, so maybe it’s her you also need to be mad at.

TorkTorkBam · 18/05/2020 14:01

Your grandma is an adult. She balanced the risk and made a choice to have him in the house.

Being 80 doesn't make her a passive stupid lump for whom you and others make all the decisions.

Interesting that you think you can just decide to move into her house! Does she get a say?

Davespecifico · 18/05/2020 14:13

I’d be very, very angry with both of them, especially if she has full understanding of the situation. How absolutely selfish and foolhardy.
Why does she think you’re dropping off shopping and not coming in, if someone else is? How does she square that?
My MIL is 84 and hasn’t seen a soul since lockdown because she knows it’s safer for her.

CatEatCatWorld · 18/05/2020 14:14

My brother did this. I've been getting my nans shopping and although yeah, I was going into her house, I was keeping my distance and not staying longer than I needed to (she couldnt carry the shopping in from the step) Then my brother goes down, with his gf and 2 under 5 kids and stays for a while. That was a few weeks back now and thankfully it was ok, but what goes on in their heads?!

Cindie943811A · 18/05/2020 14:20

Get a key if you don’t already have one so you can visit if she doesn’t answer your daily calls. If possible call her at a set time morning and night and explain why. Now there is news that the virus can cause strokes before and after other symptoms present, I’d be extra worried about catching it.

SunflowerSeedsForever · 18/05/2020 14:22

It isn't your right to be angry.
They are adults who made their own choices.

This isn't about you- yet you seem intent on making it a drama with you at the centre.

Calm down and try and be helpful. Getting angry doesn't hep anyone at all.

TryingToBeBold · 18/05/2020 14:23

Has your uncle been open and honest about showing symptoms
Has he took advantage of her?

If she has took everything into consideration and made an informed decision by herself.. who are you to judge?

Booboodisney · 18/05/2020 14:23

Your grandma has agency over who comes in her house. She could have told your uncle no.

YinMnBlue · 18/05/2020 14:23

He has been a complete idiot.

It will be on his conscience if she falls ill Sad

I understand why you are so upset but some people just can't save themselves from themselves. And your grandma had no business letting him in.

I hope he is completely isolating himself now he has symptoms?

People keep blaming the government for our high infection levels - with justification - but stupid people like your uncle are equally to blame.

Monitor your grandma closely.

I hope she is OK.

What does your Mum or Dad think?

AmNot · 18/05/2020 14:24

Did he force his way into the house? If not, people need to understand that the elderly lacking capacity are not children and will make their own decisions.

butterpuffed · 18/05/2020 14:25

Your grandma has an iPad and uses Face Timing so she knows what she's doing..why has she let him go into her house ? And why does he think it's okay to do so ?

pooopypants · 18/05/2020 14:31
  1. His symptoms may not actually BE Covid
  1. Your gran sounds pretty compus mentis - why did she allow him in when she could have face timed?
  1. I understand that you're angry but I feel you're directing all of your anger towards your uncle, your gran is at fault too for allowing him into her house
  1. what is your home situation if you did move in - as in who would look after your DC etc?

FWIW my 80+ grandparent isn't online etc and is doing almost the same thing. Their child (my uncle) has been visiting regularly, despite being v high risk himself yet still working as a delivery driver of all things. I despair but my GP isn't listening so I've washed my hands of it, I refuse to get annoyed about it any more because they will. not. listen

TorkTorkBam · 18/05/2020 14:32

Would I BU to move in with grandma if he tests positive, as she lives alone and has already been in contact with covid? I’m so worried she’ll get ill and won’t be able to contact anyone. For fucks sake!!!

OK here's a crazy thought. Maybe your gran has thought of this and has a plan. Maybe you could ask her and ask if she would like anything from you. Maybe even do nothing if that's what she wants.

Bluesheep8 · 18/05/2020 14:35

Your grandma has an iPad and uses Face Timing so she knows what she's doing..

She obviously doesn't if she's been letting him into the house. It's her fault just as much as his. No need whatsoever for him to visit. They are both at fault op.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 18/05/2020 14:37

I assume your gran also chose to see your uncle (assuming she is compus mentis)? So he didn't force her to do it?

In which case, she's made her decision, whatever the consequences of that may be. She's adult, you can't control what she or others choose to do.

justasking111 · 18/05/2020 14:38

Well your gran knew what she was doing so just ask now uncle ill does she need anything extra that he was providing.

PissOffStayAtHomeDogMum · 18/05/2020 14:39

Too much raging and "fumming" on MN at the moment.

OP, they are adults and have made their choices. They might not be the choices you would have made, but you can't control other people's thoughts and actions.

Has it crossed your mind that your Grandma is also capable of making choices? FWIW, I would be seeing as many people as possible if I were in my 80s.