Petrified of social services.

[Worriedmotherhelp]

I’m a first time mum to a 6 month old boy, very happily married. I have suffered with depression but not for 5 years, I’ve been doing well, no medication etc managing my health with diet and exercise. During lockdown I’ve had to shield because of a health issue. Therefore I have not left our marital flat for 6 weeks. I had a very sudden, emotional breakdown one evening. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and began scratching at my neck- a self harm action I had used to do but haven’t done for over 5 years. My husband pushed me back on to the bed I was sitting on, pinning my arms down to prevent my attacking myself. He did this gently and with care. He called 999 as he was concerned about me as he’s never seen me in that state of distress- the whole event however lasted only about 1-2 minutes. The police passed this on to social services as they said what he did is domestic violence?! And that as such our son is at significant risk of harm. My husband was preventing me from harming myself and it seems lunacy that he would call 999 if he was perpetrating some form of violence! We have now had social services come to our flat and they are carrying out an assessment under section 47 of the children’s act. I’m reeling from shock and feel the situation is entirely absurd. We have never had the police or an ambulance called to our home before. We love and adore our little boy and wouldn’t harm a hair on his head. I understand self harm is wrong, but it was a coping mechanism used only ever against myself- certainly never anyone else! And it’s certainly not something that is usual for me. The baby has met all milestones, has never had any health issues, and even in the police report they noted he seemed a happy healthy baby and was well kept in appearance. I know this shouldn’t matter but we have a nice home, he has an abundance of toys, he has good clothes, we have a lovely routine each day with lots of play activities and always do what I call ‘big’ activities twice a week- I.e home made edible paint, coloured spaghetti play, jelly play etc. he’s bathed every day, all his solids are carefully prepared looking at iron and vitamin quantities. I’ve done a first aid course for toddlers and babies run by our local hospital, did a baby massage course and we attended a baby class 4 times a week prior to the lockdown (we went to the zoo every Tuesday as we have a pass for there and he loved looking at the giraffes and fish of all things!) he’s read to twice a day, we do nursery rhymes and counting songs with actions and puppets every day (I’m a teacher so education is of course a big thing!) I just would not have placed us in this situation in a million years. We have been told social services can make unannounced visits at any point during the next 45 days whilst the assessment is undertaken. This is horrendous. Every time I make a family meal I have to wash all the dishes used in preparation before I can eat as I’m scared they’ll think I’m not keeping a clean home. Preparing the baby food for the next week today (a lot of vegetable chopping and peeling) was horrible as I had to keep washing and wiping the surfaces every minute I was so worried they’d suddenly appear at the door. After consultation with my doctor I am now going for a daily walk outside, I have also stepped up my contact with my family and friends and my husband has bought me some exercise equipment so I can exercise in the house. I feel back to normal in all ways but not this worry is just overwhelming. Can they take my son away over this? Can we challenge this in any way? I’m so mortified and ashamed by the whole event and having social services involved I don’t feel able to ask anyone openly for advice about the situation. Are they likely to be involved throughout his life now? My husband and I feel so segregated as we can’t talk to anyone about their involvement for embarrassment and shame. If anyone can offer any advice, it would be most gratefully received.

[Sockmonster23]

I am sorry to say but is all you did was reel off a list of what a wonderful perfect mum you are with marital stuff your son has, and barely acknowledged that self harming needs investigating for your sons emotional risk.

No toys, or abundance of stuff will make up for a mum who is mentally unwell. Get the help and social will help you. Stop trying to be perfect mum that's not what they are looking for, they looking for healthy mum. Your son will stay with you but please acknowledge you need help. No one self harms without crying for help. Even if you say it's not been for a long time. It needs looking into.

[Mummyshark2019]

Why are people suggesting that the OP was being abused / strangled by her husband? Why would he call the police if he was doing the harming? If he was abusing her then she would have called the police and all of that would have been in the police report which SS would have visibility of. In which case, OP would blatantly be caught out. Why would she do that?

[GoldenZigZag]

Dollymoo - I am a social worker. There is absolutely nothing in my post that suggests threshold is met for removing a baby, threshold for assessment yes, removal no.

[LycraLovingLass]

OP when I had my daughter I had Post Natal Sepression which presented as an obsession with making the appearance of perfection. My house was spotless but inside I was struggling.

Your post rang a bell for me, please take care of yourself and get mental health support if you need it.

[CodenameVillanelle]

I have only known those be agreed after a strategy meeting involving all professionals involved with the family such as health visitor, teachers et. There is also legal rep from the LA and obviously the SW

@Scotsrule

We have a strategy meeting following referral screening if it is warranted. It might be a telephone strat but usually a meeting with police, health, SW manager and SW. there would be no reason for a legal rep to attend - they attend legal planning meetings but that is when you think the threshold is met for PLO

[Mummyshark2019]

If the strategy meeting is not warranted, do you get correspondence to confirm the initial referral has been cancelled? @CodenameVillanelle

[CodenameVillanelle]

No. You'd get a written assessment that confirmed the social worker's findings. Referrals don't get cancelled.

[Tootletum]

They are there to help you. Taking children away is incredibly hard and is a last resort which involves utterly chaotic family circumstances (i.e
Drugs /alcohol) or obvious physical harm. Not doing the dishes is definitely not on the list...I know of a few tales from a friend who is a child psychotherapist that are truly tragic, and absolutely nothing like you describe!

[Astrid84]

OP you're going through a difficult time as it is with having a young child and now lockdown. You're body and mind couldn't cope momentarily but what if things like that happen again?

You realise what happened wouldn't be portrayed as a normal reaction to hardship and distress so please view this as someone looking in on your life. Anyone would be concerned at your reaction, so for SS to get involved is part of a normal reaction to your action. They wont be part of your child's life forever, they're only there until their concerns are satisfied in that you have coping mechanisms in place to help and prevent this happening again.

There are many support services out there and SS will help in directing you to them. Please use them and dont feel embarrassed, you will get through this.

Myself and my siblings were all involved with SS as children for many years for vastly different and much more horrifying reasons. They "signed each of us off" at the right time they felt we were no longer at risk.

It sounds to me you have done and you do everything right by your child. You just need to focus on yourself some too.

[Oblomov20]

I'm afraid OP that SS being involved, is very very intrusive. You probably should have realised this before, given your profession.

Please be very careful what you say to them. Preferably always have a witness, have Dh with you, when they visit again.

And ask for copies of the reports.

[nanbread]

OP in the kindest way possible the way you talk about your activities with your baby and how you can for them seems unusual to me, perhaps slightly obsessively ordered and somehow impersonal, I would be worried for a friend who detailed things like this.

[LilQueenie]

nanbread there is nothing wrong with what she has written. Explaining activities she does with her child is perfectly reasonable and normal.

[Scotsrule]

Interesting @CodenameVillanelle, it must be local policy here then as there has always been a legal rep to agree the threshold has been met for a sec 47 at strategy meetings I have attended.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Yes it must be
I can't see the need for a legal rep since section 47 is determined by managers and police. It's not a legal status.

[Destroyedpeople]

Yes to what oblomov said. If there are meetings take your own notebook and make a note of what is being said. Every time.

[Destroyedpeople]

There is no legal rep for parents at ss meetings in England and Wales.

[PumpkinP]

Why are people suggesting that the OP was being abused / strangled by her husband? Why would he call the police if he was doing the harming? If he was abusing her then she would have called the police and all of that would have been in the police report which SS would have visibility of. In which case, OP would blatantly be caught out. Why would she do that?

Oh come on you must be very naive. This story doesn’t add up one bit, we don’t know what was said in the initial phone call we only have ops word for it, I find it very hard to believe a man would pin his partner down for having a panic attack or call 999 because someone was having one. All very strange. Maybe op called the police and he snatched the phone off her and told them this story to make her look like the unstable one and she was too afraid to say anything. Either way this story doesn’t add up.

[Bluntness100]

I think it’s very clear a lot has been left unsaid in this. I’m not sure there is much point speculating, it could be anything from domestic violence, mental health or even neglect (the op goes into a lot of unwarranted and frankly unnecessary detail on how well she cares for the baby for some reason). It could also be a mix of all of them.

Either way, police are stating domestic violence, social services think a Proper assessment is required and they all feel the child is at risk of significant harm, or already suffering it (ie neglect) . Social services will be doing unannounced visits over a six week period.

I don’t think any of us can guess what the actual reason the police and social services believe this baby is at risk of harm. And I’m not sure the op is going to come back and explain.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Nope they stay involved for life.

Well they didn’t with me actually

[Scotsrule]

Not sure if you are replying to me @destroyedpeople, but I am in England and Wales and legal rep for parents can p, and do attend case conferences etc.

They do not attend strategy meetings as that is a professional only meeting and parents do not attend. The legal rep that attends is the LA legal rep.

[OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe]

“Sockmonster23

I am sorry to say but is all you did was reel off a list of what a wonderful perfect mum you are with marital stuff your son has, and barely acknowledged that self harming needs investigating for your sons emotional risk.

No toys, or abundance of stuff will make up for a mum who is mentally unwell. Get the help and social will help you. Stop trying to be perfect mum that's not what they are looking for, they looking for healthy mum. Your son will stay with you but please acknowledge you need help. No one self harms without crying for help. Even if you say it's not been for a long time. It needs looking into.”

I agree & I really hope you get the help you need. You sound very anxious/ stressed/ OCD about your child. That needs looking into.

[Destroyedpeople]

That's interesting Scots rule because when I sought legal rep in Wales for a case conference I was told it wasn't allowed. Or rather that if I wanted to pay them the might come along reluctantly but only as a witness..
I did live in a corrupt little town though

[sadwithkiddies]

@scotsrule In Wales legal rep is only allowed when the PLO threshold is reached. Below that for case conference & meetings its not allowed no. All behind closed doors, SS write the notes of the meetings.

[nanbread]

@Lilqueenie there is nothing wrong with what she has written. Explaining activities she does with her child is perfectly reasonable and normal.

Maybe not but it felt to me like it was an overcompensation for something. And also children don't need loads of toys or activities to be happy, they need emotional connection and closeness. It just came off a little unusual to me.