Petrified of social services.

[Worriedmotherhelp]

I’m a first time mum to a 6 month old boy, very happily married. I have suffered with depression but not for 5 years, I’ve been doing well, no medication etc managing my health with diet and exercise. During lockdown I’ve had to shield because of a health issue. Therefore I have not left our marital flat for 6 weeks. I had a very sudden, emotional breakdown one evening. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and began scratching at my neck- a self harm action I had used to do but haven’t done for over 5 years. My husband pushed me back on to the bed I was sitting on, pinning my arms down to prevent my attacking myself. He did this gently and with care. He called 999 as he was concerned about me as he’s never seen me in that state of distress- the whole event however lasted only about 1-2 minutes. The police passed this on to social services as they said what he did is domestic violence?! And that as such our son is at significant risk of harm. My husband was preventing me from harming myself and it seems lunacy that he would call 999 if he was perpetrating some form of violence! We have now had social services come to our flat and they are carrying out an assessment under section 47 of the children’s act. I’m reeling from shock and feel the situation is entirely absurd. We have never had the police or an ambulance called to our home before. We love and adore our little boy and wouldn’t harm a hair on his head. I understand self harm is wrong, but it was a coping mechanism used only ever against myself- certainly never anyone else! And it’s certainly not something that is usual for me. The baby has met all milestones, has never had any health issues, and even in the police report they noted he seemed a happy healthy baby and was well kept in appearance. I know this shouldn’t matter but we have a nice home, he has an abundance of toys, he has good clothes, we have a lovely routine each day with lots of play activities and always do what I call ‘big’ activities twice a week- I.e home made edible paint, coloured spaghetti play, jelly play etc. he’s bathed every day, all his solids are carefully prepared looking at iron and vitamin quantities. I’ve done a first aid course for toddlers and babies run by our local hospital, did a baby massage course and we attended a baby class 4 times a week prior to the lockdown (we went to the zoo every Tuesday as we have a pass for there and he loved looking at the giraffes and fish of all things!) he’s read to twice a day, we do nursery rhymes and counting songs with actions and puppets every day (I’m a teacher so education is of course a big thing!) I just would not have placed us in this situation in a million years. We have been told social services can make unannounced visits at any point during the next 45 days whilst the assessment is undertaken. This is horrendous. Every time I make a family meal I have to wash all the dishes used in preparation before I can eat as I’m scared they’ll think I’m not keeping a clean home. Preparing the baby food for the next week today (a lot of vegetable chopping and peeling) was horrible as I had to keep washing and wiping the surfaces every minute I was so worried they’d suddenly appear at the door. After consultation with my doctor I am now going for a daily walk outside, I have also stepped up my contact with my family and friends and my husband has bought me some exercise equipment so I can exercise in the house. I feel back to normal in all ways but not this worry is just overwhelming. Can they take my son away over this? Can we challenge this in any way? I’m so mortified and ashamed by the whole event and having social services involved I don’t feel able to ask anyone openly for advice about the situation. Are they likely to be involved throughout his life now? My husband and I feel so segregated as we can’t talk to anyone about their involvement for embarrassment and shame. If anyone can offer any advice, it would be most gratefully received.

[dollymoo]

@bluntness100 have you read the op she didn't specify who stated the child was at significant risk. Could have been police or ss.

Op live your life as normal if they just appear without notice, tell them your not free and to ring you to arrange a time. Unannounced visits are seriously not necessary unless they want to catch you What 'on drugs, on drink, secret man in the home'.

Try not to worry you do have the right to remove consent whether you know this or not.

[meow1989]

Have you been 100% honest about the situation that occurred? Have you had previous input from police or have you or your husband undertaken any activities that would be considered dangerous for your son?

It seems an unusual step based purely on what you've posted to investigate under section 47; maybe section 17.

Regardless, you need to listen to any concerns that they have and act to protect your child. They wont expect a show home they will expect a lived in safe home, yes even with a fee dirty dishes waiting to be washed up. Be open and honest and engage where asked to. Maybe have a chat with your gp about your mood?

I know from your end you see an overreaction, but social care are acting to make sure a child is safe and ultimately this isna good thing.

[boredtotears11]

I don’t understand why the police were even thinking about domestic violence. Why would it even have come up in the conversation. Your dh surely wouldn’t have said anything that sounded like he was being violent. He’d have been better off not getting the police involved.

[Embracelife]

OP have you called your gp to get help for what happened and to discuss if you need support again meds or therapy ?
Ss gp hv can help you get support you and dh need

[Embracelife]

The state of distress was enough for your dh to call for help.
So now talk to gp hv and seek support

[Chinchinatti]

Sounds like they assumed your DP was violent to you? Presumably the police arrived at the time when he called them?
These agencies look at what is written on paper.

[Jux]

You poor love! It's a hard time with a baby anyway, and you have this on top as well as lockdown.

I have no expertise but have watched SS over years and they really would rather children remained with their parents and had a nice life. Keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong towards your child or your dh. What SS want is for you to listen to their advice and input, and cooperate with them.

Talk to your doctor in depth about how you are feeling. Involve your HV as far as you and s/he can; there is no shame in seeking help, it's the best way to reassure SS as well as the best way to help yourself.

You will be OK. Don't beat yourself up, try to remember that you are human so be kind to yourself. Good luck.

[indemMUND]

If you're seen as losing control to the point that someone has to intervene and call for help, SS would be neglecting their duty not to follow it up. Just comply with them and it will pass.

[jackdawdawn]

You seem more concerned about your child being taken away than you are for yourself, OP. What triggered the sudden breakdown? Sleeplessness? Hormones? Have you just given up breastfeeding by any chance? You need to stop worrying about SS and talk to someone about why this happened out of the blue. It will give them more reassurance too if you tell them that you want to explore why it happened. Don't worry about the house, FFS. You haven't been referred for neglect! Take care. Speak to someone, maybe an experienced midwife or health visitor.

[Mummyshark2019]

I am very sorry you are going through this. I think you ought to go to the GP and discuss what you can do to manage this. It can't happen again. Your husband must have been distraught to have called the police. Re the SS, just go with it and they will see there no risk. Just cooperate. Wishing you luck.

[Justaboy]

I'm more baffled by your husbands reaction thanSS. Who on earth would ring the police for a panic attack and think violent restraining would make the situation better

Unless you've been there and seen that happen which i sadley have once, its very frightening to see your nearest and dearest in that state and possible throwing themselves around etc.

He probally read more inot it that what there was and the police on the other end hearing the comoution and if there were any bruise marks would have decided that they needed to refer this further up the chain in case there had been malicious intent and if there was and they hadnt done that then thier in the blame firing line!

Give you an example. Our Au-pair here, loverly girl, latin american very temperstous and hightly emotional split last year with her BF she was haveing a real old hyperventing session and i was a phoned and asked if i could take her to the hospital, she was having a full panic attack and was shouting she was dying! i said no your not, here just breathe into this paper bag at that she went BALLISTIC as she thougfht i was tru ying to suffocate her!, an ambulance was called c./w police and it was alleged that i was trying to murder her!

Ambulance parameds called c/w old bill they said;

"we want you to breathe in this bag here gently"

With that she went into full meltdown mode as it was now a
conspiracy to kill her! Mr Old bill was holding her, the paramdedics were holding her too! I was doing much the same the commotion was unbeliveable.

She did eventualy did agree that a friend of hers was to accompany her to the hospital for treatment. There thye said;

" just breather into this bag here gently"!!

She did, i think, run out of energy as she collapsed and they bought her home now calm and composed she was sooo embarresed by it all she lived in her room for a week poor girl!

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

Like a PP, I'm really surprised that your DH called 999 when you were having a type of panic attack (that's what it sounds like to me anyway), it seems a major overreaction.

I don't have any advice except to carry on being the good parent you are. I think it would be prudent to also talk to your DH about your MH history and some of the self-harming behaviours it caused - so if you ever become upset again, he understands what's happening and can react more appropriately.

Also, if you feel that your depression (or a form of anxiety) is returning, do reach out to your GP for help. Don't rule out medication to help you either, it's not bad or scary option (I've been on AD's for two years and they've worked well for me and thousands of other people).

You'll get through this, OP, you sound like a great Mum

[biglouis]

This is just another example of the nanny state. I would not want these busy body people in my house either. Their eyes are everywhere.

[ludothedog]

justaboy you are right. I imagine it is very frightening to see. Now imagine that's your mum. A one off and most children can cope with that. Now imagine it's happening frequently, imagine a young child watching the person they care for most in the world so out of control.

Whether the OP was having a one off panic attack, it's more frequent than that or something else is going on here, who knows. It certainly warrants further investigation.

I would say however that the OP's story doesn't really make sense and when something doesn't make sense then generally it means information is missing or something isn't true. Perhaps SW know more than the OP is disclosing and that's why they are carrying out further assessment.

[Destroyedpeople]

And big Louis that's not very helpful. Children do need protection sometimes.

[Dieu]

Oh, you poor thing. What a shitty experience, and you must be in total shock. Please don't worry, you're a lovely mum and SS will see that

[Singinginshower]

OP, to me, it sounds as if your mental health is suffering. This is very common during the first few months following childbirth, and is probably going to be much more common this year during the current lockdown.
You say that you were going out to baby groups four times a week previously, and you are very conscientious about food preparation for your 6 month old baby, so you obviously are trying to do the very best for your child.
It's good that you are talking to your GP and also getting out for a walk each day.
How much sleep are you getting?

[PumpkinP]

I don’t think this adds up tbh. Very odd to call 999 somethings not adding up so I can see why ss are concerned.

[Legoandloldolls]

Nope they stay involved for life.

Please dont keep washing up as you go as this can be seen as you being focused on the house than the kids

Try to live a normal life. Normally. So washing up I the sink is fine as long as you can fill the tap. Washout g basket is fine unless its spilling out over the floor. Only if lots of jobs are badly backing up will they care. A pristine house suggests it your main priority.

[Destroyedpeople]

They really don't lego

[Porridgeoat]

That was a poor decision of your husbands, you weren’t putting yourself in danger and he restrained you. That’s not a reasonable thing to do. It’s your husband they are checking on and that you’re not in an abusive situation or coerced into thinking restraint is ok. I understand it’s worrying.

Teachers generally only need basic training awareness around safeguarding (General signs, channels to go through) as they don’t deal with complexities of individual cases and are expected to refer on if any safeguarding concerns appear

[Musereader]

I had ss involvement when dd was a month old. My place was terrible - spilt drinks left to rot in piles of rubbish bins not taken out for months, washing up not done kitchen floor not sanitary, piles of unopened boxes from moving.

Ex could sit and play computer games for hours and if i was sat there next to him reading a book that was fine. If i went into another room i was immediately told that i was ignoring him and he wanted company and sex, if i tried to clean up around him it was all 'you don't need to do that, you are distracting me, i will do it later, please come sit here.' Whenever i got angry he would just blame me for the mess.

Basically dd was not taken away for this level of mess, he became ex, i got help from family to tidy up, i am still not the tidiest and still don't tidy up much more than once a week and do the dishes after a sink full has built up.

I still have dd.

Ss used to say to me mess is mess, some mess doesn't matter, but not doing anything to clean ever was my ex's problem.

[antipodalpizza]

I'd be concerned that your dh was planning something like leaving and wanting your dc to live with him.

[Onesnowynight]

I mean this kindly, you seem to be suffering with anxiety.
If you don’t already receive support it may be a good idea to have a chat with someone. Something like lockdown can make anxiety worse or even start it- we are sure to see many cases after this is over.

As for the rest you seem like a lovely caring mum who loves her baby to pieces. Try not to worry as pp have said.

[JudyCoolibar]

Nope they stay involved for life.

Completely untrue. Why do people post this sort of nonsense?