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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His texting habits.

38 replies

PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:00

I'm 23, boyfriend is 22. Both not living together and because of coronavirus both not seeing each other. Not working atm.

I just seem to feel i'm the one making an effort. Tried to call him yesterday at 1pm, je didnt asnwer and responded saying he was 'busy and will call later'. I said okay. Didnt hear off him until 9pm and I called him, asked what he's been up to all day and he said 'nothing, been bored really'.

Text him this morning saying good morning. It's now 2pm and nothing. He's been online but i'm feeling really distant from him :(

Need some perspective from you 'tough love' mumsnetters

OP posts:
ZaraW · 16/05/2020 14:03

I would wait for him to contact you. If he doesn't time to move on.

FlaskMaster · 16/05/2020 14:04

He's not into you at all! Even with literally nothing else to do he didn't want to talk to you. You're flogging a dead horse. Give it up

Pixiefringe · 16/05/2020 14:06

I second what @ZaraW

Yousicktwistedfruit · 16/05/2020 14:06

Sorry op but it sounds like he starting to ghost you I would start making yourself busy and do to him what he’s doing to you. Sorry your going through this but you are worth more than him.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:07

Inwas expecting responses that I was needy
Been with him 8 months

OP posts:
rowrowrowyaboat · 16/05/2020 14:08

Hes not that in to you.....sorry OP, you deserve better.

LennyPugGoat · 16/05/2020 14:09

Don’t set your bar so low. If he Cba in lockdown there really is no hope.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:10

I know it seems stupid but in normal life i wouldnt be bothered but the fact this is our only form of communication

OP posts:
NewNameGuy · 16/05/2020 14:10

Unless things were amazing before, I'd ditch it.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:11

He always hasnt been the most amazing texter but this just seems really bad. I'm feeling so distant.

OP posts:
AvoidingRealHumans · 16/05/2020 14:12

Could he be struggling with what's going on? Might not necessarily be aimed at you.

I'm finding it hard and some days are awful.
I have missed 2 calls from my mum today and cba to call her back even though I'm sitting here bored with nothing to do.
I'm fed up with the same conversations, theres nothing new going on and nothing to discuss.

I understand this sounds very negative and I am not a negative person but this situation is getting harder for me.
I wouldn't say I was about to ghost my mum and I will speak to her later on but right now I am taking time for myself.

If it was very new I would say possibly about to start ghosting but there could be any number of reasons.
It isn't always about us or aimed at us when someone's behaviour changes.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:12

It's the fact he said 'nothing been bored' after telling me he was busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:13

I'm just scared of coming across needy if i bring up that i feel distant :( i brought it up 3 days ago and he said i was being silly

OP posts:
F0RESTGRUMP · 16/05/2020 14:14

He’s just not that into you. Dump.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:19

I honestly was expecting a 1000% responses to be 'needy' 'controlling' 'lead him alone'. My gut is just telling me something isnt right

OP posts:
borntohula · 16/05/2020 14:23

Has he always been a crap texter? I was in a relationship with a guy who gradually became more distant and it got to the point where I felt like we would never see each other if it wasn't for me. It's quite crushing and yeah, makes you feel clingy for expecting to be acknowledged.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:25

@borntohula you summed it up perfectly.
Usually, I am fine with his bad texting habits as in normal life we can see each other. But we havent seen each other since lockdown so the lack of texting and communication is getting to me.
I don't expect 24 hour conversation but even an acknowledgement of my good morning text and that being that for the day but nothing until he feels he wants to text or ring me is becoming saddening

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 16/05/2020 14:27

There seems to be no point in this relationship, easy to say,and maybe wrong, But all this leaving you in limbo, and wondering about everything,is not good.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:28

@1forAll74 that's how i feel - in limbo. But i know if i bring it up to him he'll make me out to be needy

OP posts:
nowayhose · 16/05/2020 14:30

Agree with other posters that he'd obviously do literally anything else rather than contact you :(

I'd not be contacting him again if I were you.

Relationships at your age should be fun and exciting, he just sounds like an asshole, sorry.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, don't settle for less.

In my 20's I was in a relationship with a guy from New Zealand, living together for 2 yrs then went travelling together. After a year of travelling we ended up in his hometown where he got a job and we rented a house. He knew I was running low on money and did not have a work visa. When I asked him if he'd mind supporting me for a couple of months until I could find some cash in hand work, he said 'no'.
I was shocked, but said 'ok'.
The following day while he was at work, I used the last of my money to book a flight home. When I asked for a lift to the airport the next day, he was shocked Shock, but gave me a lift ( you could've cut the atmosphere in the car with a knife ).
At the airport, he then proceeded to claim he didn't understand why I was going home Hmm and cry at the security gate when I was about to go Hmm. I told him that of course I was going home as I couldn't support myself in New Zealand, and he'd refused to help me, so I was leaving.
I wasn't even very upset, though I think I was in shock still.
I had a long flight to think and realised he was actually a prick who put his own self interest before our relationship and I'd been lucky to see it before I wasted more time with him.
When he started phoning me 3 weeks later ( because I hadn't contacted him at all), he got very arsey when I said I couldn't speak as I was on my way to work.
He then sent me a huge letter 'baring his soul' to me, and telling me he would phone on Sunday at noon. I didn't read most of the letter because I knew it would mess with my head.
Come Sunday he was genuinely shocked when I told him to go fuck himself Grin

I just couldn't see him in the same way when he'd refused to help me temporarily, in a foreign country, when we'd been a couple and living together for so long. I knew I would never have done that to HIM, and so could never forgive him.

You deserve someone who would stick by you through thick and thin, NOT someone who can't be bothered ! Be strong.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 16/05/2020 14:31

Don't bring it up then. Simply just stop trying to engage him and leave the ball in his court. You've messaged him this morning - its up to him to reply.

abstractzebra · 16/05/2020 14:32

If you've told him and he's been dismissive of your feelings, then that's really uncaring.
A decent person would apologise and make more of an effort.
I think I would also not contact him and see what happens. You don't want it turning into a game but I think giving him a taste of his own medicine is called for and will tell you what you need to know.

NaviSprite · 16/05/2020 14:44

Maybe go with the direct approach - when I first met my DH he was crap at responding to messages - but this was an across the board situation (meaning he was crap at responding to everybody, not just me).

So I had it out with him, not an argument or expressing neediness, it went something along the lines of:

“I know you’re not one to reply often and accept that this is how you were when we met, but I think that if this relationship is going to go past the point of casual dating (note we were in the early days of discussing moving in together at this stage so this is relevant to my situation - possibly not to yours) I ask that you check your phone at least once a day. It’s not about clinginess but rather I feel that no response over a period of days is dismissive of me and if it’s too much trouble maybe we should call it a day.”

I said it this way to make him aware that I wasn’t feeling bereft of his presence - but it was a matter of mutual respect. If he wasn’t interested anymore, that’s fine, I just needed to know where things stood.

He considered it and admitted he’d been lax, but then he did say he’d prefer to chat over a call and keep texts simple (I was a text chatter if that makes sense?). So we did that.

I’d go direct in your situation OP and try remaining somewhat cool in your message/conversation. If he turns it around on you and says you’re being “needy” then I’d say you should get rid to be honest - who needs that when they reach out to somebody who is meant to care about them?

MsChatterbox · 16/05/2020 14:48

I'm guessing you're not physically meeting up now? If so, to me it would seem he know longer has you to meet his physical needs and so keeping you happy with texts don't matter as much. Honestly anyone that truly cared wouldn't be doing this to you.

Original poster
PoppyWooo121 · 16/05/2020 14:58

No we cant physically see each other which is the problem. When life was normal, his texting habits didnt bother me as there were other things to do.
But with this lockdown it's getting to me. He has time to play his computer games and play online games with his friends yet no time for a quick call or even a quick message back to me even.
I just dont even know how I feel. Just sick of it.
Sick of feeling clingy and needy when all i want is for a response. Not to be waiting 10 hours for a reply. Or waiting until he feels it.
Or to be told 'i had a boring day' yet it wasnt boring enough to get back to me

OP posts:
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