Best CF Stories

[CupcakesAndCastles]

Lockdown sucks, what’s the best CF stories you’ve read?

Very tame, but a gumtree one. We were giving away a single bedframe, we had only paid a fiver for it as a short term thing.

A guy came round and we showed it to him. He looked at it, looked at me and said but I wanted a double bed, I knew the advert had clearly stated it was a single bed, I even gave the measurments. I just stood and stared at him and he repeated that he wanted a double bed, so I said ok, I will just pull that out my arse.

My partner took over at that point.

I went with a friend for a drink, several of her friends who I didn't know were was already in a bar and we met them there. They'd already been drinking for quite a bit and had all eaten meals, appetisers, snacks and so on. Everything was on a tab. My friend and I had one drink each and then we decided to all go somewhere else. When we went to pay, they seriously expected me and my friend to pay 'our share' of the entire tab, even though we'd been there for about 20 minutes, had had one drink and, for me, didn't know these people from Adam. As I remember they were each paying about 75 pounds, whereas I had had one drink that was around 5 pounds. They were extremely peeved and making a bit of a fuss about it.

My friend actually paid "her" share and urged me to do the same to avoid a fuss. I gave her the money for my drink and left. Apparently they still mention this to my friend occasionally and say how rude I was and that everyone should split the bill equally.

I usually have no issue with splitting the bill even if it's not that equal and I come out worse off, but that's taking it way too far.

"I was on my knees tidying up the border when I realised she was no longer around. She'd got out a sun lounger and said she would "catch a few rays" as she worked full time (as did I) and needed some time to relax! "

This reminds me of my brother, who, every Christmas without fail, refuses to help as it's his 'day off' and his 'only chance to relax' even though all of us work full time and he's the only one without kids. He'll literally watch me, my mum, my dad and my other siblings run around cooking and washing dishes while he sits on his arse.

I'm forbidden from bringing it up because my mum 'doesn't want a fight on Christmas day'.

Have never seen him bring anything over either, not even a measly packet of crisps.

The groom's idea (emailed to dh's studio a few days after the wedding) was to have knuckle tattoos done- both 4 letter words on each. DH let me reply with my suggestions grin But "OFF" is only 3 letters!

Too many to recount on the childcare front, but just as couple of recent ones:

• Dropped her son off for a sporting commitment in a different county (about 90 minutes away) with no plan to pick him up. Tapped up my husband halfway through the day who agreed to bring him back to ours so she could collect him (she lives half an hour away from us in the opposite direction, I think she was a bit miffed we didn't offer to drop him home). He was in the same school as my son but they weren't really friends. After a couple of hours, I texted to ask when he was being collected from ours. After a big performance, she reluctantly agreed that her sister might be able to collect him in another couple of hours as she and her husband had made plans. CF. I would never dump one of my children miles away without any plans to get him home.

• Another CF who wheedled his way for me to have his twins, ostensibly for a staff inset day but it transpired his wife was at home the whole time having a lazy day on the sofa. Turned up with his third son without asking whether that was ok. The children ate me out of house and home, I served breakfast, lunch and dinner before they were finally picked up (not the children's fault in fairness). Never any mention of having one of my sons back for a play.

Another couple from freecycle (so all items are free).

A lady came to pick up a large garden hammock in a mini, thereby ensuring we had to load it into our car and drive it to hers. Which isn't the end of the world but would have been nice if she'd asked if we minded.

Someone came to pick up a microwave. Then proceeded to tell us multiple times that he wanted to kit out his entire kitchen and could we please give him some more things for it. While scrutinising our kitchen for possibilities (this was pre covid).

@sueelleker

The groom's idea (emailed to dh's studio a few days after the wedding) was to have knuckle tattoos done- both 4 letter words on each. DH let me reply with my suggestions grin But "OFF" is only 3 letters!

But twat and knob are both 4 letter words and sound entirely apt for the b&g 🤪🤪

Similar to Funkbus’s story: my first job and a senior colleague suggested an after-work drink. I was eager to go to be sociable. We joined some friends of hers who were just finishing a meal in a restaurant, and we had one drink. When the bill came it was split equally and I had to pay! So one glass of wine cost me - I still remember 30 years later - £40!! This was a fortune to me, but I was far too mousey to say anything.

Same as Funkbus, I never quibble over restaurant bills, but to do this seemed high on the CF barometer.

I have a couple that have stuck in my mind over the years. One was a couple who were renowned for their tight-fistedness. They had a habit of always turning up a meal times and scrounging, which we thought we had put a stop to by firmly stating that there wasn't enough food to share. However, one time we had friends staying, and they suggested they come over. We were fine with this, and told them that we were planning to order a takeaway - quite an expensive one from a Chinese place that did a "banquet special". They said they didn't want to eat but would come anyway. So they turn up, and proceed to search out plates and try to dig in to the food. Thankfully I'd warned our friends about this, and one of them, who is very blunt, told them to fuck off, you freeloading bastards! They had the cheek to say, but there's loads of food. Yes, for the people who have paid for it!

They also once came to a party of ours, and I picked them up from the station to give them a lift to our house (they didn't drive, and I had to nip to town anyway. It was a bbq that started in the afternoon). Later that evening, they came up to me and said we're ready for a lift back to the station now. I'd had a couple of drinks, so couldn't, and didn't see why I should anyway. Well, what do we do then, they wailed. They were given a taxi number, after I'd discreetly warned others not to be conned into giving them a lift. We don't see them anymore.

The waiter pretended not to see me then not to understand me (despite being fine with English before and me also using basic Spanish)

It always makes me giggle when that happens. My French is pretty decent, but I sometimes dial it back to Franglais to see what follows - and what often does is the inevitable bill padding

Fun to watch their faces when challenged in the fluent version

Oh I've remembered another! DH is an amateur artist, more so now he is retired and has more time to devote to it. He also (in non Covid times) teaches art classes in our village, and is often commissioned to do paintings.

CF is/was an elderly neighbour who asked him to do a couple of pencil sketches of relatives and friends of his, from photos. Only small ones, and DH really did them as a favour. Neighbour paid about a fiver for each, after pleading poor old pensioner (DH's commissions sell for hundreds of pounds). Anyway, CF started asking for more and more, and pressuring DH on getting them done quickly (he always prioritised his more lucrative commissions). Eventually he did say no, he couldn't do any more, as this neighbour was a serious pest. CF neighbour was very upset about this, and had a real go at DH, trying to guilt trip him into continuing. I had never liked him, as I found him a bit creepy. By the end of all this DH must have done around 20 or so sketches.
Fast forward a year or so from when DH had said he could no longer do these sketches, and CF neighbour dies. DH went to the funeral, I didn't as I was working and I didn't really like him so no loss. DH came home, flabbergasted. At the wake, his family had set up a huge display of all of CF neighbour's artwork - which consisted of DH's sketches. Apparently the family had been so touched by the lovely drawings CF had done of them, and he had only charged about £80 per drawing!! And wasn't it a shame that his eyesight had become too poor for him to continue in the year before his death?! DH didn't say a word, I think he was so shocked, but it's a bloody good job I wasn't at that funeral!

@nervalslobster But doesn't your DH sign his artwork?

🤣🤣

nervalslobster, I can't believe people can behave like that. Disgusting. But then, I shouldn't be surprised reading all of the above stories. Some people are like parasites.

We have a work CF but her opportunities to be one have been cut as most people now WFH. Once made fairy cakes & brought in to the office (about 40), nothing to prompt it, quite usual for people to bake & bring in. Went round everyone individually to give them out then asked for 85p when thanked. When no one had any she tried to sell the lot to colleague who had a dc birthday coming up for £40, took them all home in the end. Used to have semi regular buffet’s which either work paid for or we all chipped in. She would bring tupperware boxes to fill up & take home which if it was left overs would be fine but she’d be there as soon as it “opened” to fill up boxes & get a heaving plate for herself sometimes having all of one item (chicken drumsticks were a favourite). Mgmt spoke to her several times but she tried it every time.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney usually he does, but CF had asked for these not to be signed as they were just small sketches (but quite detailed, copies of photos). Didn't think anything of it at the time, as never imagined that they were going to be sold on and passed off as his own work. He had signed his own name on them!

@DoctorHildegardLanstrom

Very tame, but a gumtree one. We were giving away a single bedframe, we had only paid a fiver for it as a short term thing.

A guy came round and we showed it to him. He looked at it, looked at me and said but I wanted a double bed, I knew the advert had clearly stated it was a single bed, I even gave the measurments. I just stood and stared at him and he repeated that he wanted a double bed, so I said ok, I will just pull that out my arse.

My partner took over at that point.

P M S L 🤣

@truthisalie I know! I suppose that's the difference between decent people and CFs, we wouldn't dream of cooking up schemes like that. I mean, it was bad enough passing DH's work off as his own, but then to sell it and not just gift it to family members! And thinking about @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney 's question, it's now obvious why he asked for them not to be signed!

Years ago when my DD was 9/10 her friend's mum invited her to accompany them to a local theme park. I had her DD around for tea every Tuesday when the two girls went to Brownies , as her mum said it as too much of a rush to get her home after school, then get her to a Brownies in time. The CF mother then said "ohh just pay for her entry, I won't charge you for petrol"....How kind. I asked if I should make a pack lunch or send her with money for food. She said bring a pack lunch, but send her with money for ice-cream or souvenir. I sent her with an extra £10 for any extras. My DD took some crisps with her pack lunch, but the mother would not let her have them as her kids were not having crisps. My daughter came home with no change and no souvenir etc, I asked what she had bought and the CF mother had told her she had to buy them all chips as as they had been kind enough to bring her. A few days later I saw another school Mum who told me that she had taken CF daughter to the theme park that Monday, they had an offer for free returns for the week. As the other mum could not get there again that week she had given the free entry wristbands to CF mother to make use of and bring a friend . Never liked that bloody woman much in the first place!

A guy came round and we showed it to him. He looked at it, looked at me and said but I wanted a double bed, I knew the advert had clearly stated it was a single bed, I even gave the measurments.

I had similar. Selling a functional but used stroller for almost nothing, clearly stated that it's USED. Buyer is one of those types who changes the meeting time and location 2000 times. Finally we agreed I drive to his place, other end of town. He: "Oh...no, I don't want this. I wanted a new one!"
Well go to a bloody shop then!

Getting this in before the thread maxes out (I'm still reading them all) because it still makes me laugh.
In my second year of uni this randomer latched onto me. She wasn't a student, she worked in a shop in town.
After a few weeks of us visiting each other, she sent me a Rightmove link and said, "I've found this gorgeous house we could share!"

It was £1800 PCM for the whole thing and this was the old tuition fees/loan system so that monthly amount in rent was basically half of my entire year's grant.

It was a four bedroomed place and the top floor room had an ensuite and a balcony. She said her, me, her boyfriend and her sister could all move into this place and split the rent/bills.

Ok, split four ways that's maybe doable but still a lot of money for a student. But I liked the idea of sharing with friends and my current house was doing my head in so I nodded along.

Until she said "so you and my sister can pay a fixed amount in bills to us, that'll round it up to about £1000 a month.
"So £500 each? I could think about that."
"No, silly, £1000 each. Me and my boyfriend are a couple so rent splits £600 each and then you two pay bills. But we'll need the fourth bedroom for our cats."

She was surprised that I said no. Then she got annoyed at me for ruining her dream house and kept bringing it up.

Another time, she invited me to hers for a Halloween weekend house party and she asked me to bring my own food/drink. Fine. I slept on the living room floor, she didn't even offer a blanket so I ended up under my coat, and her male cousin had the sofa (and snored).

The next morning, she insisted I use the shower and her hair straighteners (she was obsessed with the fact my hair was curly and she kept going on about had I tried X,Y and Z to "fix" it). I used the shower to freshen up, didn't wet my hair so ignored the straighteners, and when I got into the living room, I and the five or six other remaining guests were asked for £10 each to cover the electric.

@BiggerThanCheeses I hope you all told her to fuck off? I mean, £10 between you is serious cheekyfuckery, but £10 EACH?!

This might be a bit outing, but fuck it.

Years ago, my manager was turning 50, so we decided to make a big thing of it.
One thing we did is decorate her desk. Balloons, flowers, confetti, the lot.

We got those huge party balloons, with 50 on.
Manager loved it and we all went out for lunch to celebrate.

Anyway, came back from lunch and balloons were gone!

A colleague told me, the Office CF, had, while we were at lunch , carefully unpicked the knot in the balloons, let the air out, folded the now airless balloons up and popped them in her handbag.

I dont know where it came from, but I was suitable outraged. I stormed over to the OCF and demanded to know where the balloons were.

You're going to love this Mumsnet she said and I quote "It is unlucky to have balloons up after 12pm on your birthday, so I was making sure no bad luck will come to you."

I got the balloons back.

A few years ago, DP and I were meeting a friend who had just moved into a house share with her new housemate. The plan was for us all to have a meal and a few drinks at a nearby pub. We arrived at the pub and housemate mentioned she’d invited a close friend of hers too. All fine.

Just as we’d got a drink, housemate’s friend called her and asked to meet at a different pub. She agreed, so we had to neck our drinks quickly and dash off to the other pub. Slightly annoying.

The four of us arrived, but housemate’s friend was nowhere to be seen. We got a table and waited. And waited. We were quite hungry by this time, but the friend kept texting saying she was just on her way. DP got fed up and decided to order food, so we all went ahead. Friend arrived nearly an hour late just as our food was being delivered to the table.

She leaned over and grabbed a slice of DP’s pizza, saying ‘ooh, I’m really hungry, your pizza looks great!’ Remember that she was a total stranger to us and had first changed venue at the last minute then kept us waiting. I honestly thought DP was going to stab her with his fork, the look on his face was a picture. Friend and housemate also looked pretty shocked at her behaviour.

She then tried to grab a bit of mine but I moved my plate out of the way and said ‘oi, get your own!’ Cheeky cow.

DH a few times behaved like a CF and because I was with him people ofcourse probably thought that I was as well.
Once older DS was invited to a birthday party to some play barn. DH with younger DS, gave us a lift but instead of returning home he decided to join us in the barn even though I asked him not to. Obviously the staff didn't check younger DS but the school mums did see him enjoying. From next day the mums never talked to me again.