Please help me through tonight....

[higgypiggy]

Please help me see sense. I'm sorry if this is long.

Things have been crap for a couple of weeks now.

Dh has always been awful with money. It's always been me who deals with finances - I'm sensible and probably over cautious with money. Also dh used to have an extremely bad gambling habit.

He works (extremely hard as he tells me everyday) and I stay at home. I have 2 dcs from previous relationship and 1dc to him. My eldest dc is autistic which means I don't work though I do get a small income from carers allowance and also disability living allowance for my child.

As I said, dh has always been crap. For the past 4 years, I've dealt with all the finances and it's worked fine.

Unfortunately we've had a couple of issues with cars in the last couple of years, we've just had no luck which has led to my mum taking out 2 seperate loans for us. Which she was fine with and we pay it back regularly and always on time.

Dhs credit has always been bad but now it's getting better and is in the 'fair' category. Mine is excellent but due to being a carer, I can't get any loans or anything on credit.

We've also been saving up for a mortgage and have been doing so well. That and dhs credit score moving upwards, we are perfectly on track to buy our house in 2/3 years - we rent off a friend who is wanting to sell and is willing to wait until we've saved up a deposit.

Anyway, dh had an idea that we should take out another loan to get another car. I've said it's not the best idea considering we still owe my mum 2 seperate loans and also it wouldn't look good for a mortgage....and why damage your credit score now when it's just going up by applying for another loan?

Dh also wants to lend a family member on his side (who is also terrible with money) £4K. I said I didn't feel comfortable doing that. We have already lent him money a lot in the past and 4K is too much.

By me saying no to both these ideas, it's caused dh to get extremely angry and tonight has been awful. I haven't helped things by bringing up my mental health - I'm at home all day with 3dcs and struggling. He told me I was being stupid and I sound ridiculous.

It's resulted in me ringing my mum and asking if I could go stay with her which she said yes too.

Firstly he said he didn't care if we left.
Then he said because of lockdown, if we left then we wouldn't be able to come back to the house until this is over.
Then he told us to get out, he wanted us gone.
Then he refused to let me leave. I said I'd stay as I was too scared to get the kids from upstairs to the car with him in the mood he was. I asked him to stay in the kitchen while I got them to the car but he just started shouting at me, I felt scared.

He told me he was going to go. He hasn't, he's here and sleeping on the sofa.

I've been in touch with my mum who knows exactly what's going on. She's been great but is worried for me.

I'm scared for tomorrow, he will be going to work so that gives me chance to get my stuff and go but he will be so angry. And for some stupid reason....I don't want to lose him.

Well done for leaving him, OP! Please don't go back. You can now turn your life around. Take it day by day, and eventually everything will fall into places! You can do it!! Look after yourself

@higgypiggy how are you feeling? Hope you’re doing ok

@Stampy84 I'm ok. I've realised I really do have a lot of issues. Depression and ocd. Ocd takes over my life and it has done since I was a child.y dad wasn't the nicest to my mum, my ex to my 2 dcs was a cheat and a huge liar. My self esteem is just gone.

Dh has been in touch, he still doesnt see any issues with my money but I haven't brought it up. He's vowed to take care of me and says he didn't realise my issues. I've struggled with the lockdown. He's still had to work and I've been on my own. My thoughts have been seriously scary. He didn't know any of this because I never say anything.

I've had a good chat with my mum and she didn't know either, she says I hide things very well.

I'm still at my mums. Don't plan on going home

If I don't go back, he will 100% lose everything as I won't be there to keep everything under control

Why is it down to you to keep another person under control

He is a grown adult. He has choices he can make. If that means he will gamble everything then it would have happened at some point in the future and would have taken you down with him.

You can’t go through life trying to save someone from themselves

Pay your mum back and keep what evers left to help you rent something for you and the kids and take all the money. (It is afterall in your name) as going towards CM in lieu of him not paying you.

@Oliversmumsarmy it's not, completely realise that.

I'm just trying to work on myself at the moment

He's vowed to take care of me and says he didn't realise my issues. I've struggled with the lockdown. He's still had to work and I've been on my own. My thoughts have been seriously scary. He didn't know any of this because I never say anything.

Your depression and OCD does need addressing and I'm glad you are putting yourself first and opening up to others about it.

BUT

Don't let him turn this around and make it about your issues. His gambling addiction and his attitude to money is what sparked this current crisis and it's that which is making your mental health poor. Don't let him brush it under the carpet under the guise of supporting you now you have opened up. You were not wrong to not want another car loan or lending out money.

@OliviaBenson 100%. That's why I'm still at my mums, I could of gone running back the minute he said he would look after me but I haven't. I know I haven't mentioned the gambling and money part to him but only because I can't deal with what he will say.

It's just time to put me first now.

Good for you putting yourself first and working on yourself. I hope things have settled down with your mum.

It may seem nice for him to say he’ll look after you, and obv none of us know the details of your relationship, but it kind of sounds to me like he’s just saying what he thinks you want to hear.

If he was serious about making your relationship work he’d recognise and take responsibility for the fact that you both have things to work on. He could offer to work hard and support each other - him on his gambling and anger, you on your mental health.

Offering to be a knight in shining armour to you is both an easy thing for him to say (and easy for him not to follow through later) and putting all the onus on you to change. It’s setting you up to be the one who’s to blame for everything if it goes tits up again. Which it definitely will if he doesn’t step up and deal with his own problems.

He's vowed to take care of me

How can he take care of you if he can’t take care of himself.

If his life is going to fall apart without you there and he is going to lose everything then he isn’t capable of taking care of you

He needs counselling for his gambling and also for his past - he's had some truly horrific things happen to him which I believe is what led him to gambling. As a form of escape from any pain he was feeling at the time and now it's just escalated into one massive problem.

When his gambling was at his worst (before I met him) everyone knew about it, all his family and friends etc and he had nothing. So to him, he's proud of how far he's come and wants to be the one that's now able to help his family now that we are managing to save. That's all well and good but the gambling addiction is still there and he's still terrible with money.

I realise this 100%. I just don't have the energy to deal with it right now

You don’t need to deal with it, ever. It should be coming from him, otherwise, no dice.

He doesn’t need to “save” you and you don’t have any responsibility to “save” him. Look what you’ve done - taken responsibility for your own problems and your own happiness, and he’s trying to make you feel like you need him to “look after” you.

You don’t, you know you don’t, and probably so does he. He may be scared by your independence and wants to get you back under his wing.

He may have come a long way, but addicts need to be addressing their problems for much longer than a few weeks or months. It’s the ongoing work of a lifetime.

Honestly, if he likes playing the big man after a mere nod towards getting his own problems under control, he may well be jealous of what you’ve achieved this week. Getting you back where he’s looking after you is just more of him wanting to appear to be helping everyone else. He doesn’t like you helping yourself because he wants to control others by making them dependent on his “help”. He’s scared of helping himself because it’s much, much harder than playing at white knight.

None of which is anything that you need to deal with, now or later. He has to get there on his own.

@WinterAndRoughWeather 100% he's hating that I'm not at home. Everything you are saying is completely true.

He's told me I should try find a little job. That's pissed me off so much. I've been saying I'd like to get a part time job for ages, just a few hours a week. Nothing to do with financial reasons but more to do with getting me to have something of my own. He always said I didn't need too as he can provide for us. He never listened to the fact it was for my own well being.

Now he's suggested it like it's something I've never thought of!

higgypiggy

But how far has he come on his own because it sounds like he is only in the position he is on because of you not because he has made some huge effort.

I think he probably needs counselling but that doesn’t mean he is somehow cured.
Unless and until he can monitor his own actions he will always be an addict.

If by you not being there he can’t look after himself then you need to step away.

The “truly horrific things” didn’t make him gamble but they gave him an excuse to gamble

Equally if that means he goes off the rails and blames you as the reason he is back gambling then you are the excuse not the reason.

He has never really stopped gambling. He just keeps it to £80 per week because that is all you let him have.

Well done OP for seeing you needed to put yourself first.
If your DH is serious about no more gambling (or you'd like to ask him to be)
Then he needs to do a multi operator self exclusion - All shops within his local area plus online accounts too. It's real easy to do 0800 294 2060

@CarolefeckinBaskin we've been there with that, he never did it but he's never been in a bookies for 3 years. He also blocked himself from all online gambling but just has the one account in my name which he uses....not great of me

You have an account which he uses. How is he getting money in this account? I know someone who was refused a mortgage due to the bank questioning deposits going into a gambling account.

He puts £5 in from the bank account. We have a joint bank account. He asks every time to have a bet. We agreed on a set limit each week. Since then it just keeps creeping up. When he asks for another £5, if I say 'don't you think you've had enough?' He just replies with it how hard he works.

We don't go out, we don't drink, he doesn't spend money on anything else.

we've been there with that, he never did it but he's never been in a bookies for 3 years. He also blocked himself from all online gambling but just has the one account in my name which he uses....not great of me
Ahh OP, he is so defeating the object here. So long as he has access, his addiction to gambling will never go away.
That said, I deal with this day in day out (When I'm actually at work and not furloughed!) and they find ways to do it regardless.
Often when customers self exclude they'll attempt to send people in with ready written bets/coupons etc... We catch them out and refuse if we suspect that's what's happening but we can't always know if they send strangers (to us) in.
They have to 100% want to stop completely to help themselves.
Good luck

@CarolefeckinBaskin he doesn't think he has a problem as he used to completely empty his bank account and have to borrow money. He had no where to live.

Now we have a nice house, well on our way to buying it with x amount saved....he genuinely thinks it's fine. I know it's not.

We agreed he works have £15 a week to spend, now it's that in a day, sometimes more

His habit is creeping up on him again, isn't it.
Except he's not really noticing because it's not "as bad" as it was before.
Slippery slope.

He will also try to guilt you into going back because he will say it'll be your fault if he backslides, you not being there to keep him in check. Bollocks to that.
If he backslides, it's his own fault entirely and no one else's.

How does the mantra go - You did not Cause this. You Cannot Control this. You cannot Cure this. It's all on him.

Don't know if you've been given this link yet, but here you go anyway www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/gamanon - it's like Al-Anon but for gamblers' families.

Yip he needs to get a grip of it.
As you know already it spirals. They all think they're in control of their problem gambling until they aren't! By which point they've lost their home, family, belongings etc
Sad state of affairs really.

Oh I've been on them all over the years, I've rang helplines on behalf of him and had counselling myself over it through gamcare.

I'm not going to be able to get him to do anything because he's not as bad as he was in his mind. He's proud of how far he has come

@CarolefeckinBaskin isn't it just. I can totally see how it's addictive too. The odd few times he's won big has been great. But that's not enough, he has to try again.

He won a huge amount of money before I met him, quite a life changing amount. It's done him no favours whatsoever.

He won about £200 the other week on something he's never tried before. He was happy and I was gutted. As I knew this was going to be his new thing to try which he will never win at again

@higgypiggy how are things going?