Please help me through tonight....

[higgypiggy]

Please help me see sense. I'm sorry if this is long.

Things have been crap for a couple of weeks now.

Dh has always been awful with money. It's always been me who deals with finances - I'm sensible and probably over cautious with money. Also dh used to have an extremely bad gambling habit.

He works (extremely hard as he tells me everyday) and I stay at home. I have 2 dcs from previous relationship and 1dc to him. My eldest dc is autistic which means I don't work though I do get a small income from carers allowance and also disability living allowance for my child.

As I said, dh has always been crap. For the past 4 years, I've dealt with all the finances and it's worked fine.

Unfortunately we've had a couple of issues with cars in the last couple of years, we've just had no luck which has led to my mum taking out 2 seperate loans for us. Which she was fine with and we pay it back regularly and always on time.

Dhs credit has always been bad but now it's getting better and is in the 'fair' category. Mine is excellent but due to being a carer, I can't get any loans or anything on credit.

We've also been saving up for a mortgage and have been doing so well. That and dhs credit score moving upwards, we are perfectly on track to buy our house in 2/3 years - we rent off a friend who is wanting to sell and is willing to wait until we've saved up a deposit.

Anyway, dh had an idea that we should take out another loan to get another car. I've said it's not the best idea considering we still owe my mum 2 seperate loans and also it wouldn't look good for a mortgage....and why damage your credit score now when it's just going up by applying for another loan?

Dh also wants to lend a family member on his side (who is also terrible with money) £4K. I said I didn't feel comfortable doing that. We have already lent him money a lot in the past and 4K is too much.

By me saying no to both these ideas, it's caused dh to get extremely angry and tonight has been awful. I haven't helped things by bringing up my mental health - I'm at home all day with 3dcs and struggling. He told me I was being stupid and I sound ridiculous.

It's resulted in me ringing my mum and asking if I could go stay with her which she said yes too.

Firstly he said he didn't care if we left.
Then he said because of lockdown, if we left then we wouldn't be able to come back to the house until this is over.
Then he told us to get out, he wanted us gone.
Then he refused to let me leave. I said I'd stay as I was too scared to get the kids from upstairs to the car with him in the mood he was. I asked him to stay in the kitchen while I got them to the car but he just started shouting at me, I felt scared.

He told me he was going to go. He hasn't, he's here and sleeping on the sofa.

I've been in touch with my mum who knows exactly what's going on. She's been great but is worried for me.

I'm scared for tomorrow, he will be going to work so that gives me chance to get my stuff and go but he will be so angry. And for some stupid reason....I don't want to lose him.

@higgypiggy I’ve been there! You want them to text or ring (sometimes for the opportunity to ignore the call or text even!)
I know when I’ve been in your position, when my phone rings or I get a text and it’s not him I want to throw my phone across the room! Because he was the one that sent the last message, I guarantee he’s watching his phone too.
You’re going to drive yourself crazy with self doubt at times, and you will rose tint things and only start to remember the good things he did and the nice times, that’s totally normal! It will get harder before it gets better, but if a man wants to do something about it he will. This isn’t down to you to fix

@Stampy84 this is exactly it. I think I'm going to ring my drs today and ask for a telephone appointment. I've been struggling with anxiety for a long time. I also have ocd. I don't want to go on tablets but I need something to help. E through this I think

Been prescribed some anti depressants

Well that’s good.

What’s the situation with bills and such at the old house? Is there any possibility of him screwing up your credit by running up debts in your name? Or even applying for credit cards in your name? If he’s addicted to gambling he will be desperate for cash.

The bills accounts need to be switched to his name if he’s staying there for any length of time.

I honestly don't know if he will even bother with ds after this

And THAT shows just why you should never, ever have let the 'little things' like him playing hide and seek with your DS sway you.

You know at heart he doesn't give a fuck.

You now know that from his messages to you.

Your posts describe an aggressive, abusive man.

You will be FINE without him. But yes it will be hard at first. Let your mum look after you through this part and don't message him.

Financially, wage or not, you will always, always eventually do better than him (a thoughtless, immature gambler) and therefore, so will your DS.

Very glad you didn't buy a house with him.

I rmember your last post, if the 4k to the brother is the same incident. Everyone telling you him playing the 'big man' wanting to lend to all and sundry was shit and fake and the sign of a twat. Even his mum thought he was an arsehole. You said you'd be refusing and his response to that would tell you all you need to know on whether he genuinely put you and your family first or not. You now have that answer.

Don't ever, ever go back.

I also thought OP sounds financially controlling. Having a husband that has a gambling addicting doesn’t make it ok to be financially controlling op.

Nuts. If my DH wanted to loan £4K of our joint finances, which we pool from both our efforts and have our own house to pay for and maintain and DC to support, I'd have a great deal to say. So would most partners in this position. As for not objecting when a partner's gambling addiction causes impoverishment, debt and all manner of other problems for the other partner, I don't actually believe you're being serious.

OP for you. I read your last post about the £4K and in no one's universe is this being unreasonable. As to your last update, how really sad that he's shown himself to care so little about you. The only good thing is that he's given you a reasonably easy out.

Now you'll be able to grieve as you would for any other loss. I'm pleased you have a supportive mum. You're going to be OK.

NB. it will be interesting to see if your symptoms of anxiety decrease with time, and in the supportive environment of your mother's home. If they do, you have your answers as to the cause. It's astonishing how quickly an environment becomes 'normal' to us - take this new 'normal imposed by CV19 - so that the old paramters fade into the background.

The moment you recognise your self as a victim of abuse is one of the most painful scales-falling-from-the-eyes moment imaginable: precisely because most of us don't want to see that about ourselves, nor do we want to look honestly at our own lives and recognize any form of car crash within it. I'm not being flippant. It took me over two decades into adulthood to recognize that I was a victim of child abuse at the hands of my own father. And it turned out that what I thought was anxiety, as triggered by another tramatic situation in adulthood, was in fact cPTSD.

Take care of yourself and your health, OP. You deserve that much

Thanks for everyone's kind words. I still haven't replied and haven't heard anymore from him. I told my dad, think he's disappointed in me :-( but I understand, he paid for my wedding and I have 3 kids to 2 different men and now I'm single again....so I'm not doing great.

Feel like my mum is struggling with us being here too. I hate this x

You’ve been there one day, I’m sure you will all settle in and get used to the new living situation. Hang in there.

As for your dad, ffs. If we didn’t have this ludicrous cultural idea that success for women is defined by their relationships to men there would be a whole lot less misery.

You’re doing really, really well, and there are good times ahead.

It could be because I asked my dad not to contact him, I said it wouldn't work well for me as I'd probably get more horrible messages. Maybe that's why. I don't know.

Really feel like I'm wobbling now. The urge to contact him is there x

I've caved :-( he blocked me on what's app at the same point my mum said she liked him. I panicked and asked if we could talk. I'm an idiot

Surely the worst time to contact him is while you’re feeling wobbly.
Hold off for a couple of days, to let your head get a bit more settled so you can think more clearly.

You’re not an idiot, it’s tough, and it sounds like your parents are not being particularly helpful.

@WinterAndRoughWeather my dad has text me since and told me how much he loves me and asked if I was ok. Think he was more angry at 'H' and it came across the wrong way.

He hasn't text me back anyway and blocked me on what's app

Look, your priority is you and your dc. Your dh is being an arsehole. The constant gambling is wrecking your finances, you can’t carry him forever. Telling you he works hard is pointless, so do you. Having his favourite takeaway is just so telling, it’s all about what he wants. Wanting to loan his relative £4K when he owes your mum is bonkers.

I think he’s showing his true colours, OP. Get your finances sorted, get onto cms, sort out where you’re going to live. He’s playing games and clearly doesn’t rate you or your ds.

Okay good. You’re doing the right thing - unless your ex has been to gamblers anonymous he will always lose every penny he earns. You sound super sensible and smart, you deserve way better.

He’s clearly shown he only cares about getting his hands on those savings (and the 4K loan sounded suspicious as fuck too, from your thread last week).

One day at a time.

He earns a good wage, we easily pay all the bills, rent and save around £600- £700 a month. The betting he does he doesn't see as a problem as we get by fine. I know that's not the point but that's how he sees it. It's pointless trying to argue with him. Everything is paid and we still save loads so if we can't £80 a week on betting then to him that's fine

If I don't go back, he will 100% lose everything as I won't be there to keep everything under control.

@WinterAndRoughWeather he has been to gamblers anonymous about 3 years ago. Since then he's not been in a bookies - the bookies was his issue. But now he still buys a lot of scratch cards, does the lottery and bets on anything he can. The difference is I know about it all as he can't hide it.

If I try being strict....well this is what's happens....

His gambling problem (and yes it is still a problem) is his, not yours. If he was serious about addressing it he would.

I know a problem gambler and he’s a nice chap who works hard too, but he’s impossible to live with for his (now ex) girlfriend. She had to control all his spending too, it was too much. The stress and mental effort for taking on the burden of his addiction.

If he cared about his family, he’d make a proper effort to quit.

£80 a week is over 4,000 a year. Pissed away. That’s insane.

@WinterAndRoughWeather tell me about it. He just doesn't see it and I can't do it anymore. It's such a shame as we are financially stable. His credit score is improving. Now it will just turn shit...and obviously it will be my fault for leaving him.

It’s not your fault though, you know it isn’t. It’s completely on him. He knows GA exists, he can get himself there if he wants.

I don’t know if I’d call it financially stable if someone has a gambling problem. I’d constantly be in fear of the risk of it all falling apart.

@WinterAndRoughWeather I mean financially stable as in we can still afford everything and his business is doing well. You are completely right in what you've said though - I'm ending the day feeling a little bit stronger due to your comments on my post so thank you x

Yeah I know what you meant, I just meant personally I wouldn’t feel stable, if you see what I mean!

Glad to have helped, you’re very brave. It won’t be long before you feel free x

It could all go to pieces at any time. Watch how quickly it does now and think of the mental and emotional energy you poured into stopping that every day only to be treated like shit for it. Not a relationship you want your children to see, so stay strong! I’m glad your dad is on your side.