Please help me through tonight....

[higgypiggy]

Please help me see sense. I'm sorry if this is long.

Things have been crap for a couple of weeks now.

Dh has always been awful with money. It's always been me who deals with finances - I'm sensible and probably over cautious with money. Also dh used to have an extremely bad gambling habit.

He works (extremely hard as he tells me everyday) and I stay at home. I have 2 dcs from previous relationship and 1dc to him. My eldest dc is autistic which means I don't work though I do get a small income from carers allowance and also disability living allowance for my child.

As I said, dh has always been crap. For the past 4 years, I've dealt with all the finances and it's worked fine.

Unfortunately we've had a couple of issues with cars in the last couple of years, we've just had no luck which has led to my mum taking out 2 seperate loans for us. Which she was fine with and we pay it back regularly and always on time.

Dhs credit has always been bad but now it's getting better and is in the 'fair' category. Mine is excellent but due to being a carer, I can't get any loans or anything on credit.

We've also been saving up for a mortgage and have been doing so well. That and dhs credit score moving upwards, we are perfectly on track to buy our house in 2/3 years - we rent off a friend who is wanting to sell and is willing to wait until we've saved up a deposit.

Anyway, dh had an idea that we should take out another loan to get another car. I've said it's not the best idea considering we still owe my mum 2 seperate loans and also it wouldn't look good for a mortgage....and why damage your credit score now when it's just going up by applying for another loan?

Dh also wants to lend a family member on his side (who is also terrible with money) £4K. I said I didn't feel comfortable doing that. We have already lent him money a lot in the past and 4K is too much.

By me saying no to both these ideas, it's caused dh to get extremely angry and tonight has been awful. I haven't helped things by bringing up my mental health - I'm at home all day with 3dcs and struggling. He told me I was being stupid and I sound ridiculous.

It's resulted in me ringing my mum and asking if I could go stay with her which she said yes too.

Firstly he said he didn't care if we left.
Then he said because of lockdown, if we left then we wouldn't be able to come back to the house until this is over.
Then he told us to get out, he wanted us gone.
Then he refused to let me leave. I said I'd stay as I was too scared to get the kids from upstairs to the car with him in the mood he was. I asked him to stay in the kitchen while I got them to the car but he just started shouting at me, I felt scared.

He told me he was going to go. He hasn't, he's here and sleeping on the sofa.

I've been in touch with my mum who knows exactly what's going on. She's been great but is worried for me.

I'm scared for tomorrow, he will be going to work so that gives me chance to get my stuff and go but he will be so angry. And for some stupid reason....I don't want to lose him.

I think you need to learn a lesson from your DM: immediate family first.
Whilst she is prepared to do this, your husband isn't.
Why are you so scared? I suspect because you are fearful of how your husband will react.
Go to your mum's tomorrow. Leave him to ponder on what he could lose if he doesn't do something about it - and then wait for him to do it.
He will show you who he is and what his priorities are over the next week or so. Stand firm and don't go back unless he shows you he is prepared to put his wife and his family first.
I hope it works out for you.

I said to him tonight he doesn't want me to go - that's why he was saying I can't go. He said he's never begged anyone to stay and he's not about too now. I honestly think he won't speak to me for weeks. He will be well and truly lost, he doesn't know how to work the washing machine, how to cook, how to do anything really....cos little wifey here does it all, that's the only reason he would want me back. He will 100% be onto the next woman soon, he's never been single and he doesn't know how to look after himself

I understand the lovely moments are amazing but you can't stay with an irresponsible selfish man who belittles and scares you because you will miss things like peeka Boo and curtain tickles. At the very least from this moment you need to muster some strength and create some personal boundaries. Really think about what they should be as an intelligent grown up woman and mother of 3. Write them down. Then determine to stick to them.he will hate it and thats ok. Let him react how he wants. It's like dealing with a toddler tantrum. Start thinking about you first and foremost. Happy mom makes for happy DC. Sad mom, sad dc.

As a PP said, change is scary.
You called him delusional. That, combined with his behavior, is worrying.
If you had to put a number on it, what percentage of your marriage has he been like unreasonable and what percentage of the time has he been reasonable? Take into account past behaviors.
Go to your mom's and look over your options.

I had lovely moments with a man that also broke my childs toys in front of them in a temper etc.
One thing we didn't argue about was money, but it must be very hard.
It does sound like you are reaching the limit of your trust and forgiveness with him.
I would go and give you both the time to consider what you are prepared to compromise on and what are no-deals.

This is what's confusing me as most of the time, we are fine. But is that because I just let him get his own way all the time?

He asks for so many bets on football, I say yes but then before o know it, he's spent £30 and is asking for more. If I say no, he says 'but I've been at work all day, I work hard'

What can I say to that? So he has another bet.

We don't go out, don't drink.

We always have what he wants on the tv. Always get the takeaway he wants. I could probably think of more

I've said I'd love to go back to work at some point but he says I don't need to. We do fine off his wage.

With what you write about him it seems you are waking up to his crappy behaviour. It's like you are his parent not his wife. Its crazy that you are 'giving him bets' and he strops when you say no more. You should not be scared of your husband. If you are something is not right. Believe me I've been there.

Why don't you go to your mother's tomorrow, think if it as giving yourself some breathing space. Take a bit of time to think more about his behaviour towards you over the course of your relationship. You've already identified lots of incidences of his selfishness and controlling behaviour in 2 pages of this thread alone and I bet there are loads more examples.
A bit if time apart will also let you see how he handles the situation. Forget about him not knowing how to wash his clothes; how he talks and behaves to you is what really matters.
You don't have to think of any permanent split right away if that feels a step too far.
I've found your posts quite upsetting to read, so you must be experiencing hell just now. Sending you and a virtual hug.

Your dp has an addiction to gambling and even lending 4k to get 500 interest is all about his addiction.

He needs to get proper help. He's getting angry because he can't cope knowing there's money in your savings that he could get too. It's like an alcoholic looking at whisky in a locked cabinet.
He will not stop hassling you until he's had that money.

You are scared now, and worried about leaving, as all this has now become a last straw situation for you because of the latest nastiness from your Husband, because you don't agree with his wishes. But you said earlier, that strangely, you don't want to lose him. So all sorts of scary and worried thoughts will be in your head now, as you don't know what is the best thing to do. Hope you find a way.Messy money problems with some people,are always a worry.

This is an.abusive relationship OP pack your stuff and go , you.shouldn't be frightened in your.own home especially not of.your.partner , go while you still have the chance ..x

Are you sure he isn't in cahoots with his relative? You fork out the cash and the two of them do a spot of gambling together?

I can relate a lot to your post. I am now living on my own with my child. I used to think as most of the time was ok (it got worse as the years went on) that I couldn’t leave. Only those times that aren’t ok are really not ok. I worry that this is going to escalate. This bullying you into lending a family member 4K is not ok especially as you still have loans out from your Mum. I think if you left and were given the space to reflect you would see how much happier you and your children would be on your own. Thankfully you have your Mum and I am not surprised she is worried. I really understand your anxiety over leaving as I have been there. I understand when you give the examples of the curtain thing, there are times that can be great. Tonight wasn’t great though and feeling fear in a relationship is a really awful thing. Please do update as to how you are.

OP I understand you don't want to lose the 'special moments' but really, one day you'll find someone who not only gives you those special moments but doesn't treat you like shite either. LTB quick pace!

@MuthaFunka61 where are young girls told a boy likes them if one hits them??!!

Op, can I ask. Do you usually get along well because you put up with his attitude?

Sounds to me like an abuser, you should not be scared of him. That’s the bottom line.

Take your kids & go. If not for yourself. For your children. Why should they have to live through this?

I feel awful for you as I’ve been in similar situations myself, best thing I ever did was leaving.

But if you don’t agree with what I’ve said, just think about it properly. You should not be scared of him

You had another thread on here about a week ago, didn't you, about lending his brother £4k? For something he could wait for, until he's sold the vehicles he needs to sell?

Your DH is being ridiculous, and having a tantrum about not getting his own way is equally ridiculous. If it IS you, then you're still waiting on getting money back from his mother in July - you can't be lending out that amount of money from your savings for something that doesn't appear to have any urgency whatsoever except "BIL wants it".

He's disrespectful, and he's trying to browbeat you into giving in.

GO to your mother's. Let him stew. See how he gets on. He won't beg you to come back, probably, but leave lines of communication open and see what happens.

Hollyhobbi it's an old trope that is still regularly trotted out by people.

"He's only mean to you because he likes you" to the small girl being mercilessly teased (bullied) by a boy in class - still often said by people who should know better.

It's even in an advert in Australia to show how wrong it is - here you go (hopefully you'll be able to access it)

This is what's confusing me as most of the time, we are fine. But is that because I just let him get his own way all the time?

Yes. And I think you know that deep down.

Is this the relationship you want to model for your children? One where the man can't possibly do anything for himself? One where the man gets to feel and act superior because he works. One where the female is always the 'lesser' of the two.
If you feel it is ok for your children to learn that behaviour then you may as well stay.
If it isn't what you want for your own children then I think you know what you need to do. And begging him to be different isn't it.

It’s pretty meaningless how nice someone is as long as you: eat takeaway they want, watch what they want on tv, don’t nag, do do all the cooking cleaning laundry parenting household things, don’t think about getting a job because they don’t want you to have any independence, don’t be negative while they give away thousands of your family money for meaningless reasons (Bil wants it and doesn’t feel like waiting waaaag) and don’t say no when they want to go gamble despite having a gambling problem.... see? It’s how they are when you don’t do all of those ridiculous things that is the real them. The real him is aggressive, angry, an addict, and doesn’t care about you. Can you go while he’s at work with the kids? And clothes and documents.

I would of had to do it and it would of been through bank transfer. It's 100% not to gamble

Even if he isn’t in league with this friend and it isn’t to physically put on a horse race what he is suggesting is still gambling.

Pay out £4K to make £500

The terminology is still the same.

Grab any money you can get your hands on and go to your mothers and make sure he can’t get his hands on the savings otherwise it will be gone within an afternoon

So what that he can’t look after himself, he is a grown man. He can learn, he can YouTube stuff he isn’t familiar with.

You have been put in the role of mother.

He isn’t able to look after himself let alone pay a bill in case the money goes to his head and he goes off the rail.
It must be exhausting watching over him whilst looking after 3 children and doing all the house work and keeping him on the straight and narrow.

If I say no, he says 'but I've been at work all day, I work hard'

What can I say to that? So he has another bet.

It is frustrating when your partner does not value your work, and in fact doesn't even see it as work. Don't
Even worse when you are having to act as his parent.

If you’ve got 4K available then surely you should be paying your DM back on the loans and getting yourselves out of debt? Your DP sounds very controlling OP. I would be seriously reconsidering my future with this man.

I also thought OP sounds financially controlling. Having a husband that has a gambling addicting doesn’t make it ok to be financially controlling op. He’s not a child.
‘he’s not good with money’ is a typical financial abusers excuse as well.

Taking out a loan to loan to one of his family with a proven track record of being shit with money is a obviously ridiculous idea. He/she won’t pay it back.

Taking out a loan when you are already broke to get another car you don’t need again is stupid. He can make do with his current car.

Kids thrive on stability, drama like this will impact them greatly.

He either needs to grow up and look after his family or let you do it alone.