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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH rough play with DS

96 replies

Flower34 · 10/05/2020 17:16

DS2 is 4. DH does rough play with him that I absolutely hate. Something like holding DS upside down or getting him to sit on DHs shoulders (on a walk outside) or pushing him etc (while on the carpet). DS seems to enjoy it all, but I get worried about his safety. I’m anxious and I don’t take many risks esp with kids. I told this to DH many times and he just doesn’t care. (He has empathy issues, that’s a different story) What happened today is at an all new level. He came out of nowhere, picked up DS with his head and moved him out of the way. He only lifted him like 10cms up and put him about 4-5 feet away. DS was ok, he was laughing but I really lost it.

AIBU ?? Why would anyone lift someone HOLDING THEIR HEAD!! Why would you do that?? I’m beginning to really get worried about the next rough play killing DS. Wtf ? This is a normal family man, no weed or excess booze or anything. Why the f would anyone do this shit? We also have older twin DDs and he never did this to them.

OP posts:

thismushroom · 10/05/2020 17:20

My dad used to pick me and my brother up by the head when we were younger. Maybe 7 or 8. He'd clamp his hands over our ears and temple and just lift. We loved it.

TheMandalorian · 10/05/2020 17:20

Wtf indeed. What can you do though? Do you feel like he seems to be escalating to get at you? Carrying on shoulders is fine. Adults should be gentle when playing with kids and be ready to stop as soon as the kid gets overwhelmed.

LovingLola · 10/05/2020 17:24

If your son enjoys it then it’s absolutely fine and good for him
If he is not enjoying it then it’s not fine

But also your anxiety is not great either
Taking risks is how children learn about their environment

JagerPlease · 10/05/2020 17:28

Most of that stuff really isn't rough play at all though - certainly not carrying him on his shoulders, and holding upside down unless it also involves dropping him?!

superstressy · 10/05/2020 17:28

Taking risks is how children learn about their environment

I was like this until my 4 year old DD went across the road on her scooter. Scared the crap out of me. And still anxious now when we go out with it.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 10/05/2020 17:31

DH puts DS on his shoulders , swoops him up in the air above his head, dangles him upside down, tears around in the garden with him in his little tikes car, soft play makes me wince sometimes but the crazier it is the more DS loves it. DF makes the pushchair do wheelies with DS in it and he thinks the whole thing is hilarious. If DS was upset or scared they wouldn't do it.
What you've described doesn't really sound like rough play to me, I thought you meant play fighting etc which I draw the line at because DS needs to know you don't even pretend to hit people. I think YABU. His father is also his parent and what he's doing doesn't sound unsafe

OutOfHours · 10/05/2020 17:32

My DH and DS play exactly the same, including the lifting by the head when he was smaller.
I have a rough play with them too, I carried my DS on my shoulders every school run for almost 2 years, bouncing him around all the way.

I only have boys, and its always been the same rough play, play fights, pushing each other, pulling silly face, blowing raspberries, I can't even just say its a boy thing, because its the same with my nieces.

Original poster

Flower34 · 10/05/2020 17:57

Ok, DS enjoys it, everyone does it , so it might be ok. I’m not ok, it makes me really anxious. I’m not generally a very anxious person, I pulled some crazy shit when I was younger. It changed overnight after my kids were born. I am more careful, I might even have anxiety issues wrt kids, it’s just the way my brain reacts to certain things. why doesn’t my stupid husband stop or bloody tone it down?
Rough play is not the only way to have fun!!

OP posts:

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 10/05/2020 17:59

The other stuff wouldn't bother me, but I would be uncomfortable about him lifting D'S by his head. I know kids are supposed to be more bendy than adults, but surely that's still risky?

LovingLola · 10/05/2020 18:02

Google ‘rough play and child development’ and you will see how healthy and important it is for children.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/05/2020 18:06

rough /risky play is very important for childrens development, your ds and dh enjoy it, most of it doesnt even sound like rough play, carrying on shoulders for example is a very ordinary thing for a parent to do.
you need to focus on dealing with your anxiety , and ds can play in different ways eith different people.

vanillandhoney · 10/05/2020 18:08

None of what you've described is really rough play

NaviSprite · 10/05/2020 18:10

Rough play is actually beneficial from what I've read for children and providing your DS is capable of expressing when he dislikes something I'd let him lead the way if that makes sense?

For what it's worth, I panic a little when my DS and DH are rough-playing, my stomach tightens into a knot but I bite my tongue as best I can as I know DS is enjoying it as well and that DH would never want to hurt him. So I can relate to the anxiety.

DD (twins both 2.5yo) has chosen me as her rough play partner and I know DH sits and has the exact same knots of anxiety - I think it's normal, in a way, that when your DH is holding/playing with your DS, you are not in control and if something were to go wrong, it's unlikely you'd be able to get there in time to prevent an accident, but it's about trusting in your DH and that he doesn't want your DS hurt any more than you do

SpiltMilk100 · 10/05/2020 18:10

God I think you need to chill out.

You'd have a heart attack watching DH and DS play, they do wrestling on the bed...chokeslam, rock bottom, walls of Jericho, the lot 😂

muckandnettles · 10/05/2020 18:11

I've never seen anyone pick a child up by their head! On their shoulders, being a bit rough and playful, fine - but picking him up by his head? Is that something people do?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 10/05/2020 18:11

Play like you've described (its not rough, btw) is really important for young children, it aids their development.

I really think you should seek help for your anxiety, though. Parenthood is a marathon not a sprint and you'll make yourself and your whole family miserable if you carry on like this.

BackforGood · 10/05/2020 18:13

Nothing of what you've described is anything to worry about.
Quite the opposite - I feel children would be missing out if they didn't get that kind of interaction from a loving adult.

I think your anxiety is much more likely to be harmful to their development than your dh's interaction.

beelzeboob · 10/05/2020 18:15

Can’t see the issue tbh. Your child enjoys it, he’s not being hurt. I was lifted up by my head by my dad when I was a kid and thought it was funny. It would be nearly impossible to pick an adult up by the head though - maybe you’re thinking about how awful you would find it if someone did it to you? 4 yr olds are totally different and it doesn’t hurt (when done carefully ofcourse)

PotteringAlong · 10/05/2020 18:17

Something like holding DS upside down or getting him to sit on DHs shoulders

Since when has riding on shoulders been rough play?! Holding him upside down is not that rough.

ScarfLadysBag · 10/05/2020 18:18

My husband suplexed our toddler onto the bed today, she thought it was hilarious They do a lot of physical play, throwing up in the air, dangling upside down, him chucking her across the bed. As others have said, it's an important and normal part of child development. None of it sounds reckless in any way.

ScarfLadysBag · 10/05/2020 18:21

@SpiltMilk100 My husband is the same 😂 She's been Rock Bottomed more than a few times and squeals and laughs every time. He still has grainy videos from his childhood of him and his brother pretending they were the Rock and Stone Cold and throwing each other around the place, so it's like a return to boyhood for him!

Lolapusht · 10/05/2020 18:22

None of that sounds like an issue, apart maybe from the picking up by his head. I’d be worried about twisting or pulling something. Don’t think the neck is a particularly strong bit of the body? Only problem would be if he keeps doing it when your DS has said to stop. If DS’ wishes are being ignored and DH keeps doing it then it becomes an issues. Also, why does he not do it with girls? No reason why girls shouldn’t enjoy rough-housing just as there’s no reason why boys have to enjoy it!

Purplequalitystreet · 10/05/2020 18:23

Other than the picking up by the head (which I've never heard of either) this all seems fine.

You need to try and control your anxiety or DS may pick up on it. Will you be ok letting him experience things like climbing walls or rollercoasters when he's older?

HavelockVetinari · 10/05/2020 18:24

I do all the things you describe with DS except lifting him by his head - that's not a good idea, a single slip can cause death or paralysis.

You need to relax (bar the head lifting!).

ScarfLadysBag · 10/05/2020 18:26

This is interesting, particularly the part about decreased risk of injuries!

www.google.com/amp/s/theconversation.com/amp/kids-learn-valuable-life-skills-through-rough-and-tumble-play-with-their-dads-119241

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