Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH rough play with DS

96 replies

Flower34 · 10/05/2020 17:16

DS2 is 4. DH does rough play with him that I absolutely hate. Something like holding DS upside down or getting him to sit on DHs shoulders (on a walk outside) or pushing him etc (while on the carpet). DS seems to enjoy it all, but I get worried about his safety. I’m anxious and I don’t take many risks esp with kids. I told this to DH many times and he just doesn’t care. (He has empathy issues, that’s a different story) What happened today is at an all new level. He came out of nowhere, picked up DS with his head and moved him out of the way. He only lifted him like 10cms up and put him about 4-5 feet away. DS was ok, he was laughing but I really lost it.

AIBU ?? Why would anyone lift someone HOLDING THEIR HEAD!! Why would you do that?? I’m beginning to really get worried about the next rough play killing DS. Wtf ? This is a normal family man, no weed or excess booze or anything. Why the f would anyone do this shit? We also have older twin DDs and he never did this to them.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 10/05/2020 18:27

Worrying/criticising Dh for carrying on shoulders suggests you are overly protective and that you need to look at your own behaviour in this.

SpiltMilk100 · 10/05/2020 18:35

@ScarfLadysBag DS also loves being suplexed 😂 DH let's him think he can do the moves back to him, and will throw himself around the bedroom, it's so funny to watch them! DS loves it, it's their little thing. We recently got a trampoline and they started doing it on there but I got worried about what the neighbours would think so made them stop 😂

riotlady · 10/05/2020 18:36

Physical play like that is great for kids and their development, I think you’d be doing more harm than good by banning it- especially things like sitting on shoulders which I wouldn’t really think of as risky or rough at all! Are you getting any help for your anxiety?

Keepmeawayfromthecrisps · 10/05/2020 18:37

I used to get really anxious about my dh doing similar when my dc were younger, and now they’re older I hate it when they’re wrestling on the floor, I’m always panicking they’re going to get hurt.

I know it’s because of my anxiety though and not fair to stop them having fun because I don’t like it, so I just remove myself and tell them to come get me once they’ve finished Smile

TigerQueenie · 10/05/2020 18:39

Of course you're unreasonable. Your son enjoys it.

Tappering · 10/05/2020 18:40

OP it sounds like you have an issue with anxiety, as your H's rough play sounds really normal to me. As PP have said being really risk averse isn't good for children.

If you are struggling with this it might be worth looking at counselling or CBT to help you.

Floatyboat · 10/05/2020 18:45

Thank God he's got your husband. Wrapping a child up in cotton wool does no good whatsoever.

Dipi79 · 10/05/2020 18:45

Apart from lifting by the head, it all sounds fine. Your husband shouldn't adapt his interactive/bonding style with your son just because of your neuroses.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 10/05/2020 18:46

Are you getting help for your anxiety?
Think it might be something to consider and everything you’ve described is perfectly normal and great for your son’s development!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 10/05/2020 18:50

A single slip can cause death or paralysis. You need to relax.

I know it wasn't meant to be funny, but loving the juxtaposition Grin

Lockdownsucks · 10/05/2020 18:50

Its a father and son thing. My OH does/done it with my boys. I hated it but the kids enjoyed it. Hes his dad he wont let him come to any harm just as you wouldnt as his mum

lyralalala · 10/05/2020 18:51

The problem is that being OTT about other stuff - putting a child on shoulders is not remotely rough or dangerous play - means your DH will struggle to listen to you when you have concerns over other stuff.

I don't like children being lifted by the head. I know millions do it, but it turns my stomach. When I broached it DH listened because I very rarely intervene between him and the kids because I trust him not to harm them. They play rough, but that's not a bad thing, kids need to play rough, let off steam and being held upside down by one of the adults is one of my fondest memories of being young (in a shitty abusive household).

You can't ban your DH from normal, playful interaction with your children

tenlittlecygnets · 10/05/2020 18:52

He came out of nowhere, picked up DS with his head and moved him out of the way. He only lifted him like 10cms up and put him about 4-5 feet away. DS was ok, he was laughing but I really lost it.

I don't think this is OK. DS is 4. He's not an inanimate object; he's a human being. I'd hate someone to come along and just move me out of the way if they felt like it. Your h is not modelling good manners or behaviour. He wouldn't do that to his mother or colleague, would he?? And lifting a kid by the head is NOT safe.

The other stuff - carrying on shoulders etc sounds fine. Not sure about pushing along the floor... Has anyone else ever said that your h is rough with ds, or just you?

IncrediblySadToo · 10/05/2020 18:53

It's not your DH's behaviour that needs to change.

You need to get help for your anxiety about this & do some reading in child development. 'Rough play' is GOOD for their development, unfortunately girls sometimes do miss out on this.

Seriously do some reading leave your DH & DS to enjoy the physical interaction.

Herpesfreesince03 · 10/05/2020 18:54

That’s not even rough play! By our standards anyway 😂

BogRollBOGOF · 10/05/2020 18:58

The head thing is a bad idea, that's a lot of stress on the spine.

Otherwise physical, rough play is important for children's development.

DS(7) thinks it's hysterical when I throw him (gently on to his bed). I used to do it to rock-a-bye baby when he was little and he'd giggle madly with the anticipation and have lots of "Again! Again!"

SpillTheTeaa · 10/05/2020 19:00

I don't agree with lifting by the head, seems a bit weird imo.
Going on shoulders etc I don't have a problem with.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 10/05/2020 19:04

Being picked up by the head is one of the favourite things my DH remembers about being a child. I was swung round by an arm and a leg. A leg and a wing to see the king etc. Used to love this my Dad was a terrifying monster and I used to scream my head off!! However your husband should take into account your feelings and reach a middle ground.

Ceebs85 · 10/05/2020 19:05

I think you need to work on your anxiety more than DH needs to work on his play style.

But lifting by his head just to move him seems unnecessary. Not saying it's wrong as such, but if he knows you'd hate it and it's set you off it just seems an unnessary thing to do. The rough play is good for him.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 10/05/2020 19:08

Yabvvvvu. That's not rough play that's just normal Confused the head bit I guess is abit.. different? But not rough.
I thought you meant real rough housing as in play fighting etc. Even then I'd say yabu.

HotDogGuy · 10/05/2020 19:10

I have great memories of rough play as a child and do it with my kids.
I think this is your issue to work on. There’s not much that your husband can compromise on as he’s not doing anything remotely extreme and if he stops then your child will miss out.

Flitterwings · 10/05/2020 19:11

My OH has been teaching our DD wrestling moves and not even 3 til
next month. She absolutely loves it. Her dad and I fulfil different needs of hers, it’s no big deal.

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 10/05/2020 19:12

I really think you should seek help for anxiety. The head lifting I’ve never heard of and would also step in but the rest is absolutely normal and not at all rough play. My ds absolutely loves when my dh puts him on his shoulders and runs with him as he’s jumping up and down. I do worry but then I hear ds squealing with absolute joy shouting more more.

LovingLola · 10/05/2020 19:42

However your husband should take into account your feelings and reach a middle ground.

No I don’t think he should. Why should the op’s child miss out because of her anxiety?

Haggisfish · 10/05/2020 19:45

There was a bbc programme about fatherhood on once that talked about how important physical horseplay is for children and what an important role fathers play in that. My dh is very ‘physical’ in play with dc but he does stop if they say ow. I just leave the room. They love it.