DH rough play with DS

[Flower34]

DS2 is 4. DH does rough play with him that I absolutely hate. Something like holding DS upside down or getting him to sit on DHs shoulders (on a walk outside) or pushing him etc (while on the carpet). DS seems to enjoy it all, but I get worried about his safety. I’m anxious and I don’t take many risks esp with kids. I told this to DH many times and he just doesn’t care. (He has empathy issues, that’s a different story) What happened today is at an all new level. He came out of nowhere, picked up DS with his head and moved him out of the way. He only lifted him like 10cms up and put him about 4-5 feet away. DS was ok, he was laughing but I really lost it.

AIBU ?? Why would anyone lift someone HOLDING THEIR HEAD!! Why would you do that?? I’m beginning to really get worried about the next rough play killing DS. Wtf ? This is a normal family man, no weed or excess booze or anything. Why the f would anyone do this shit? We also have older twin DDs and he never did this to them.

@Haggisfish My dh will respect if I say ‘actually that’s too much’ I imagine that’s because you are more sensible and don’t say it as often, so he know that when you do say it, it is a step too far and he respects that.
If you started saying ‘it’s too much‘ when he simply puts the child on his shoulders, he is much less likely to respect your opinion.

You're making this about you rather than what's best for your DS.
Rough play is vital to children's development. You need to get help for your anxiety.

I mean this with no judgement, but you really need to get some help with your anxiety. I really don't think your reactions are proportionate to the level of potential danger. The kids are safe on their father's shoulders, holding them briefly upside down will not hurt them. Lifting a child (not a baby) gently by the head is probably not advisable in all honesty, but it's very unlikely to do any damage to a healthy child.

Do you have this level of anxiety when they are at the park for example, with the chance they could fall off a swing or slide, or is the anxiety exclusively directed at your husband's parenting? I think you need to speak with a professional to address your concerns because your children will start to pick up on them and develop anxieties of their own, or learn distrust of their father. Neither of which is what you should want for your children.

I speak as someone who has had my own therapy for anxiety.

That’s not even rough play.

As others have said rough play is beneficial to certain areas of child development, we do quite a bit of wrestling, throwing in the air to land on the bed etc as our rough play.

"He wouldn't do that to his mother or colleague, would he??"

I love it when people say things like this as it's just so fucking meaningless.

I'm not about to wrap my colleagues in a blanket then pick it up by the edges and whirl them in the air. Therefore I shouldn't do this with my DC.

I'm not about to grab hold of my colleagues hand when we cross the road. Therefore I shouldn't do it with my DC.

The logic!

You need some help with your anxiety over this. I understand why you feel that way, but rough play is a really good learning tool. It’s about risk, and trust. It helps build relationships.
Learning to cope with rough play and your own anxiety will help you in the future when your children go to the shops by themselves, walk home from school, go to the park without you. You will need to be ok with all of those things and more eventually, and your children will need to know about risk.

Dp does this with dd4. I think it's nice for her to get that rough play but it has backfired on him. She knows that she can only play like that with him and the rest of us don't do it, she now thinks he is her personal climbing frame and tickle/poke/bounce on person. She hysterically giggles if she gets him in the 'man bits' accidentally! To reiterate, she knows not to play so madly with anyone else adult or child.

My dd loves ‘wrestling’ like this. She always does it with my sister she will chuck her about on the sofa etc. my dd doesn’t seem to feel pain lol. I think there’s more risk of her falling down the stairs and breaking her arm to be honest, or falling off her bike, but you can’t wrap them in cotton wool! A baby yes I wouldn’t be as rough but once they get to 2/3 they’re pretty robust!

Also a shoulder ride is not rough play ?! It’s a totally normal thing to do with your kids. My brother used to give me them, once he walked under a low shop awning with me on his shoulders and I twatted my head. Once he stopped laughing he made sure I was ok

YABU

Nothing you describe sounds particularly concerning, especially as your son enjoys it and has fun. Rough play can be good for children, but wrapping them in cotton wool rarely does them any good at all.

You sound like you need to deal with your anxiety rather than demand your husband change the fun interaction your DH has with your son.

OP, if you are this anxious about something as sedate as sitting on your father's shoulders or being held upside down, how are you about other normal childhood things that your 4yo will be doing? Climbing trees? Learning to ride a bike? Play equipment in the park (during non-pandemic times)? Playing with other children? What is there is a normal 4yo's life that doesn't cause you anxiety?

I agree that the head-lifting doesn't sound great, but all the other things just don't register as rough play to me at all.

Are you the mum who follows her child around the soft play/ swing park?
I know a mum like that and her DC are now 10/14 and devoid of independent thinking as they are so used to mummy trailing about telling them what to do.

Be careful you don't pass your anxiety issues to your child

Lifting by the head sounds dangerous to me! I hate how often rough play is the only interaction dads do, leaving the dull repetitive tasks for women, putting them in the role of 'anxious nag' just by hogging the fun parts. I hope this is not the case for you OP.

Rough play can actually be very good for kids - it helps them learn balance and the limits of their strength, and it helps them develop an awareness of the position of their body in space. Here is a good article from a Children’s Occupational Therapy Centre about how they use rough play to help develop proprioception: occupationaltherapychildren.com.au/the-importance-of-proprioception/

As long as your DS isn’t hurt and is enjoying himself, it’s not harmful - it’s actually helpful to him.

If it upsets you to watch because of your anxiety, I would remove yourself from the situation rather than telling off your husband when he isn't doing anything wrong and is helping your son develop important physical skills. It’s totally fine if you don’t enjoy witnessing it, but it’s not really a good solution for you to put a stop to it.

@GetUpAgain

I don't think op was complaining about dad hogging the fun parts!

Nice sweeping generalisation though.

Oh please don't - you don't want to raise a wimpy mummy's boy!
And he'll get up to worse in the playground

I play rough with my DS. He loves it. Sadly he's too heavy for me to swing him around much now, and he definitely can no longer sit on my shoulders!

My baby is only seven months old but I imagine I’ll feel similarly nervous about my husband throwing her around when she’s bigger (not so much about shoulder carries though- I don’t think of that as rough play at all.)

However, I’m not going to nag my husband about it, or try to put a stop to it, because as other posters have said, it’s important for their development. If I do feel worried about it, that’ll be my issue to deal with. Assuming it’s within the bounds of normal rough play (which it sounds like, with the possible exception of lifting you child by the head) I think you need to either work towards putting aside your anxieties, or just take yourself out of the situation if you’re unable to do that.

We all rough play in this house. Our favourite game is let’s all pile on Dh! We have 2 girls 9 and 4 and we tackle him to the floor I lay on him, dd9 lays on me and dd4 gets on top of her. Then it’s the fight to keep him pinned to the floor. They love it.

When it’s them 3 doing it I sit back and say “you will get hurt” aimed at Dh and he usually does with a knee to the balls.

Shoulder rides are not rough play.

My dad used to put his hands at the sides of my head and pick me up. Didn’t hurt me.

Your child will soon say if they’re being hurt

Your son enjoys it. If your husband was hurting him or if your son didn't like it then you'd be right to worry but at the moment YABU. My husband did this (much rougher)with our daughters and they loved it. He was like this with our nephews too.
I do think you need to get some help for your anxiety as worrying so much will ruin your time with your son and no doubt your husband doesn't feel great when you criticise him.