Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH won't sort out his drinking problem by moving out for a bit?

89 replies

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 16:51

I have written on here a lot about DH's drinking. He has decided he needs to move out for a month or two to get better himself. This feels disastrous to me. I can't see the drinking improving, only him having a place to do it.

A bit of space is good but I really don't know without professional help how this will work.

This is purely because of the angst from the drinking. Due to so many lies etc, I can't take it much more. He needs warm support which he can't get as he has lost my trust.

What do you think?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/05/2020 16:53

Sounds like he wants to move out so that he's free to binge drinking without your disapproval. Where is he thinking of going to?

AvoidingRealHumans · 10/05/2020 16:53

I agree that he will just have a new place to drink.
The thing with drinkers and any addict really is that they have to want to stop.
I've not read your other threads I dont think.
If he isn't 100% committed to stopping then it won't happen, if he feels he is just doing it for you it won't happen.

I would let him go and see what happens, hopefully he will pleasantly surprise you but you are right to be cautious.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2020 16:56

Looks like he is pursuing his Rock Bottom

You can't prevent it. Only he can do that. In your situation I would let him go and focus on yourself.

UnmightyBoosh · 10/05/2020 16:59

Well it’s better if he moves out either way really - either he stops or he doesn’t, but either way you don’t have to live with an alcoholic.

FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 17:01

The official line on what you need to do is "disassociate with love". But basically just let him go and accept you cannot control what he does. He will drink and it's nothing to do with you. Disassociate.

I've read your other threads. You need to detach, your relationship is over I'm afraid.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2020 17:11

What will it take for you to leave him, OP? I've looked at some of your other threads and this has been going on for a long time now. He's also in massive debt, isn't he? Do you still have the money you said you had last year? If so I would agree to him leaving and wish him luck, but I sure as hell wouldn't be there for him when it all goes tits up.

FailNameC · 10/05/2020 17:21

I think you need to realise that he will not change, you've been posting about his drinking for months and months and nothing has improved.
Concentrate on the kids.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/05/2020 17:23

Protect your finances make sure you have no real financial ties when he goes

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 17:24

I just feel it is giving him a place to drink to his hearts content. He has a place up the road so he can be near us all.

He is in a very bad place mentally and I just feel it will get worse.

He says it is not about me, but then he was blaming me just now for being critical about him for why he started drinking.

Things were good before he started drinking. I believe it is not over. But it will take a lot to get it back - ie abstinence.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/05/2020 17:46

I think what's so scary for you is that you have absolutely no control over this. In fact you have to relinquish control. Nothing you do will have any impact on his drinking. You can't find help for him - it doesn't work unless he finds it himself. You can't control what he drinks - look at him now; he's willing to leave home so that he can drink more. You must feel absolutely out of your depth, but the thing is I can tell there's a lot of denial in you, too.

Have you ever been in touch with Al Anon?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 17:58

He says he is not blaming me bit then says there are all these things wrong in the relationship. So is he blaming me or isn't he?

What denial is there?

I am talking to someone - not interested in Al-Anon at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 18:04

He says it is because he cannot get any support from me. I have tried to support him but the lies etc have just eroded my trust and then he wants me to turn around and ask him how he is.

He disappeared for hours the other night and then wonders why I might be angry or upset. He is looking for a job, yet spent all day on a park bench so he says looking for a job. No cleaning. No nothing yet I am trying to work from home. He has lost all motivation.

It is all my fault.

OP posts:
Bollocksitshappenedagain · 10/05/2020 18:08

It's not your fault. I have been through this.

Apparently it was my fault he drank because he was unhappy in the relationship. I did ask why then every time I had tried to end it he had begged me not too and he would stop drinking. If he was so unhappy he could have walked away.

Guess what I did finish it and he still carried on drinking!

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 18:14

Am I right in thinking that we really can't work on any of our relationship until he gets better re:alcohol. He seems to think the toxic environment is both our doing. I think it the alcohol ruining a relationship.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 18:18

What denial is there?

It's your own denial Yolo. You are in the "I can save him..." zone and that's the denial. You (personally) won't progress until you first realise that you have zero control over his drinking. He will say any lie - any lie, literally whatever lie is needed - to enable him to drink. Him finding a way to drink will come way above you, the kids, your family and home in his priorities.

FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 18:20

He seems to think the toxic environment is both our doing. I think it the alcohol ruining a relationship.

Both reasons to end the relationship on their own. But many (most) toxic relationships don't result on one person becoming an alcoholic.

BackseatCookers · 10/05/2020 18:22

This man convinced you to use your inheritance to bail him out of debt.

He is a liar. He is a bully. He shouts and argues when trying to help with homeschooling.

He cannot be trusted with money. He cannot be trusted with drink. He cannot be trusted full stop.

He has spoken horribly about you to people. He has spoken horribly about you to you.

That isn't love. He doesn't feel love, he feels angry and bitter and entitled and that his sadness outweighs everyone elses.

Even if you think you love him - love isn't enough.

Every time you make a new thread I pray it's to say you've ended it.

This is no way to live.

If you can't break up for you, do it for your kids. The damage this relationship modelling will do to them is so unfair.

You need to let him go and mean it.

AnotherMurkyDay · 10/05/2020 18:27

Yes he should move out. He needs to have the space to either pursue a descent to rock bottom and an alcoholic death or a descent to rock bottom and an opportunity for recovery. Depends how low he wants to go and whether he manages to get himself back or not. That's always the gamble when an alcoholic drinks though. He isn't sane or logical and you cannot help him while he's drinking.

rabbitheadlights · 10/05/2020 18:28

I've not read your other threads, however DP is a recovering alcoholic. It's a slow process and very much one day at a time, but it is possible for things to change, he has to want it tho no matter how much you want it it will never be enough.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2020 18:29

The biggest sign of how little he wants to recover is the fact he's willing to leave home to drink more.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 18:33

FATE - I don't lie about his drinking at all. I am not in denial that I am not in control. He wants my support and I have given him practical help. Ie contact with professionals. Truly. I know I cannot control his drinking and i dont enable him. I actually work somewhat in this field and I know I cant save him. Ive asked him to reach out to professionals. He just says I outsource. so hurtful

OP posts:
rabbitheadlights · 10/05/2020 18:33

There's a programme called intuitive recovery maybe worth your DP having a look it's a short online course that can be done over a few days, but it highlights how and why the rain responds in the way it does etc ... This is what gave my DP the push to change not saying it will work for anyone but worth a look.

rabbitheadlights · 10/05/2020 18:36

Sorry it didn't give him the push to change but it did make him believr that he was able to maintain abstinence

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 18:41

Hollow - I dont know that that is what he will do but I am pretty sure it is a green light for not having to hide it around the house any longer.

OP posts:
CarolefeckinBaskin · 10/05/2020 18:44

I don't think I've read your other threads neither but just wanted to say - let him go.
You can not force someone to stop drinking, they won't stop drinking if they don't want to, even if you offered all the support in the world.
This is not your fault, it's his. He knows it's a problem and only he can change it. He is showing you that he has/is choosing not to.
I've been in your shoes, thankfully minus dc.
I got out eventually.
So yes, let him leave and drink without anyone asking him not to.
Once he shuts that door I'd start trying to repair the damage he's already done to you and dc and fucking ignore him. Think of yourself and your dc without the absolute of circus of stress and heartbreak that his alcoholism brings.
Good luck