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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH won't sort out his drinking problem by moving out for a bit?

89 replies

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 16:51

I have written on here a lot about DH's drinking. He has decided he needs to move out for a month or two to get better himself. This feels disastrous to me. I can't see the drinking improving, only him having a place to do it.

A bit of space is good but I really don't know without professional help how this will work.

This is purely because of the angst from the drinking. Due to so many lies etc, I can't take it much more. He needs warm support which he can't get as he has lost my trust.

What do you think?

OP posts:

pointythings · 10/05/2020 22:32

^^ What HopeClearwater said.

(Brazzaville Beach is one of my favourite books ever)

Bluesrunthegame · 10/05/2020 22:46

He may nor may not be the lovely person you say he is/was/could be. However, you know who is lovely? Your children. Get him away from their lives and their childhoods while he likes alcohol more than he likes them and you.

FailNameC · 10/05/2020 23:15

If he's not working, how is he funding his addiction?

HopeClearwater · 10/05/2020 23:15

@pointythings one of mine too

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 23:35

fail-he isn't a heavy heavy drinker but he has borrowed money from his folks and just cashed in some of his retirement fund from another country as somehow he could. This is how he is funding the accommodation.it is all utterly ridiculous to me. Thanks for all the messages. Im drained from crying.will reply in the morning

OP posts:

darkforceofexcesszeal · 10/05/2020 23:49

I ended up providing residential care for my friend’s teen dd who finally got to the point she refused to live in a house with an alcoholic parent. The alcoholic wasn’t violent. Was definitely emotionally blackmailing in exactly the same way your alcoholic is. (You are the reason I drink. I gave up everything for you. You treat me like shit. You are mean. Is it any wonder I drink. You are a terrible person. Without you bringing me down I’d be fine. You are to blame for my drinking.’)
We wondered if the dd walking out and refusing to go home would be the ‘rick bottom’ that would get the alcoholic to sit up, accept responsibility for their actions, and change their behaviour.
Nope.
The alcoholic doubled down and accused the dd of being ungrateful bitch who had never loved or cared for them.
The dd is still in therapy four years later, went through hell with guilt for not being able to help the alcoholic, and was a suicide risk herself in reaction to the treatment she got from her supposed living parent.
Get your kids away now. Don’t wait until they can’t take the abuse any longer and have to leave themselves.
You are keeping your children in an abusive relationship. Why? You can’t control him. He’s way down the slippery slope. You need to get the hell out before he destroys the family finances and your lives further.

whinetime89 · 10/05/2020 23:53

Mine did this. We are split now and to be honest since he moved out my mental health has improved so much. No more lies, deceiving. It has been a horrific and heartbreaking time but at the end of the day I can't help him if je doesn't want to help himself

FOJN · 11/05/2020 00:40

I've read your responses on this thread and I would agree with with points made by a couple of previous posters; you are in a toxic relationship and you do sound quite codependent.
You keep reporting what he has said or done as if that is the decider on your relationship. You have been advised to detach but you don't seem willing or able to do that. You have ruled out Al anon but I really do think it might help you to take care of you and leave him to do what he will. Everytime you entertain the idea that you are to blame for the toxic nature of your relationship you enable him by practicing denial about the true nature of his illness. Stop indulging his toxic behaviour and let him go.

I am not trying to kick you when you are down but you do have choices, you may not like the choices available to you at the moment but they are still choices. Why are you worried about him moving to somewhere he can drink without scrutiny, yes it will get worse but it will get worse even if he stays; why would you want to endure and witness his descent and why would you choose that for your children?

I'm quite a few years in recovery and I know from experience that alcoholics often need to hit consequences at full tilt in order to reach the rock bottom required for recovery to begin. You are not obliged to hold his hand on his journey there.

I wish you all the best.

CarolefeckinBaskin · 11/05/2020 15:39

coming and going, how he pleases. To see dc and to eat will prove to him he has the best of both worlds. Life semi normal with his own space to continue drinking. It won't make him want to give up.
Get some boundaries put in place.
He leaves to enable his alcoholism = he faces consequences.
You absolutely must start protecting yourself and most importantly your dc.
I already said upthread that I've been in your shoes minus dc
I've also been in your dc's shoes too. Believe me or not - if you keep allowing him to affect their childhood they'll blame you when they're older.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 13/05/2020 10:08

DH has now moved up the road temporarily. My DC are at school and I just got called to the school head as my youngest told a teacher my daddy moved out because he drinks beer and she is sad. I am so sad and mortified.

This is a family problem. I think it is going to get around the school soon enough and I dont want to explain. Awful.

OP posts:

pointythings · 13/05/2020 10:14

Yolo it honestly isn't bad that the school knows. Engage with them. My DDs' school knows everything about what happened with my late H, from the moment I initiated the divorce. They have been superb in offering support. There is nothing for you or your DC to be ashamed of. Please don't be mortified.

Most people won't ask questions - but what is important is that your DCs' teachers are aware and will be understanding when your DC are a bit fragile or having a bad day. Please try to take this as a positive.

NearlyGranny · 13/05/2020 10:21

Forget what other people think. This is his problem, not yours. You can't fix his problem - though he clearly expected you to expend time and energy endlessly and futilely trying - only he can fix it. It doesn't seem as if he wants to.

I wouldn't have him in the house at all now. If he's sober he coukd meet the children outside with your supervision, but I'd get some breathalyser kits. 🙄

OliviaBenson · 13/05/2020 11:59

It's not your shame. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy. Be honest with them about it. Your child obviously wants an outlet for it too. Get all the support you can.

LouHotel · 13/05/2020 12:06

OP don't try and hide this, my mum wouldn't let me and brothers access help when my dad has multiple affairs or tell anyone about it and I honestly have long term anxiety from that time and still find it difficult to talk about my feelings.

Your children need an outlet to deal with this and school can put you in touch with the services to help you all.

It's his shame to live with.

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