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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH won't sort out his drinking problem by moving out for a bit?

89 replies

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 16:51

I have written on here a lot about DH's drinking. He has decided he needs to move out for a month or two to get better himself. This feels disastrous to me. I can't see the drinking improving, only him having a place to do it.

A bit of space is good but I really don't know without professional help how this will work.

This is purely because of the angst from the drinking. Due to so many lies etc, I can't take it much more. He needs warm support which he can't get as he has lost my trust.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:38

The ABC - he told me the other day I just use the lies to deflect from all the horrible things I have apparently done.

Just awful.

OP posts:

popsydoodle4444 · 10/05/2020 20:47

I've never read one of your threads because but wow.Its sounds as though this has been going on for a long time.He's a jobless addict (because alcohol is an addiction) with mental health issues who refuses to get help and blames others for his issues and verbally,psychologically, emotionally and financially abuses you too.

You can't fix him no matter how much you love him and you need to let this man go no matter how much it hurts.

He's moving out.Use this as the green light you need to end this toxic relationship.

RandomMess · 10/05/2020 20:55

Please protect your DC from him, everything they are learning about adult relationships is toxic. They are children of an alcoholic you must know professionally the emotional impact that is already having on them?

He is totally toxic.

Sorry I would deny him contact, change the locks and tell him to take contact to court.

FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 20:55

I just cannot see how this is going to make his drinking better. That is my professional opinion.

It's not your job/role/responsibility to make his drinking better. You wouldn't be able to even if it was your (professional) job. What is your job? Because you're not showing great insight into the life of an addict here.

You need to detach. You're in a very, very toxic and unhealthy relationship.

BackseatCookers · 10/05/2020 20:58

This.

Ithoughthiswasit · 10/05/2020 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2020 21:24

Op, I’ve read your other threads, this man brings nothing but misery and stress to your life and has done for a long time. This must take it’s told on your daughter/children. They are not in a happy home

Let him go. Focus on your children now and a having happy home for them. Try to limit the contact their father has with them, so he’s not drunk, angry, belligerent with them. So they aren’t scared.

But it’s time to let him go now.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 21:34

FATE- I can't say what I'm doing but let's say this is still new to me. I cannot help him professionally but he says I don't look after him asking how he is every day as u E been stressed about children. We were not unhappy at Xmas 2018
, After this the drinking started but it is all too easy to blame the relationship.It is awful to listen to the narrative of an alcoholic who belittles lying and tells me I started fights when he came home late and drunk
As I started telling it was my fault

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 10/05/2020 21:34

He is running your life and children's lives. You all deserve better.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 21:35

By the way he hasn't been working since December so now he will have all day to drink/look after himself

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2020 21:39

Op, it is not your fault, he is unwell. He’s taken your money, gaslighted you, lied to you, involved your children, and he’s an alcoholic.

If you can’t do it for you, do it for your children, they can’t be brought up in these conditions.

Let him go, it’s time to prioritise them. If you don’t, one day they will ask you why. One day you will likely regret it. Because children are smarter than you think. They know what’s going on. And they can’t understand why one parent accepts it. Your husband isn’t going to change. It’s only going to get worse.

Before your children have behavioural issues, before the problems become insurmountable for them, it’s time to let this man go.

He wants to. Let him. Protect your kids now.

FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 21:39

he will have all day to drink

He is choosing to do that instead of be a husband/dad. It's a choice, you are a (much) lower priority to him than the opportunity to drink all day.

How does that make you feel?
Does that sound like a person you want a relationship with?

If your daughter told you she was in a relationship with someone who just wants to drink all day and do nothing - what would you tell her?

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2020 21:40

By the way he hasn't been working since December so now he will have all day to drink/look after himself

So,let him op. Really just let him. That’s what he wants. Let him. Protect your kids.

enragedpenfold · 10/05/2020 21:45

You sound very co-dependent.
What he does when he leaves us up to him. You have no control over his behaviour whether he is under the same roof or not. Get him out and make it clear that his drinking is his own responsibility, not yours.
If he deals with it, you can decide together how to move forward. Until that point, you wish him well. You care for him but he is responsible for his own actions. You will not waste any more time wondering if he blames you or not.

While he is out, get much better therapy than you are currently getting. His alcoholism is not your fault, however much of a number he has done on you.

lyralalala · 10/05/2020 21:50

Let him go

Have your ground rules - he doesn't come to the house every day, he doesn't see the children when he's drunk and he doesn't take them to a shared house

If he hits the bottle hard you'll likely not see much of him for a while anyway

At some point one of two things will happen - he'll hit rock bottom and then he'll start to climb out, or you'll realise how much better life is for you and your children in a home where you are not all walking on eggshells.

Let him go for all your sakes. You can't save him, but you can protect the children and yourself. Then he can decide at some point if he wants to save himself.

RandomMess · 10/05/2020 21:52

He is blaming you "not looking after him" so that he can justify to himself they you are the reason why is he drinking and he has to take zero responsibility for his drinking and other behaviour.

You need to be strong and resolute "you are an alcoholic and only you can sort yourself out, I can't do it for you'"

He is so far from hitting his bottom so stop being a bystander getting dragged down with him. Move forward with the DC - if he sorts himself out he can have a relationship with them, if he doesn't minimise their relationship and spare them further damage. Give them age appropriate truth that he is not well and isn't capable of looking after them properly but at the moment he doesn't want to get better and is making bad choices.

HopeClearwater · 10/05/2020 21:59

Because you're not showing great insight into the life of an addict here.

I agree.

You need to realise that you cannot help him professionally and you cannot help him personally. He is making his choice here, even though it is a terrible choice and one which may kill him. You may feel it’s his illness that is making the choice - maybe that’s true but there is nothing you can do about this.

You keep quoting what he says to you. You need to understand that NOTHING he says to you is rational. There is no point in treating it as if it is true or false or even his real point of view. Addicts are simply not rational beings. He is deep in the mire of alcoholism. He isn’t thinking like a rational human being. There is absolutely no point in talking to him about his addiction on any level other than to set out your boundaries.

I have been in exactly this situation. I was as deep in irrational thinking as my alcoholic husband and constantly argued and discussed things with him in an attempt to make him see sense. It was a total and utter waste of time.

I recommend you look into co-dependence because I think you are suffering badly from this. I also recommend a book called The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage - I may have this title slightly wrong but will check and come back to you about this.

I am very sorry that you are in this position but you need to save yourself and your children. You cannot save your husband. Only he can. He may never be able to and you need to start acting as if he has a terminal illness.

I have huge regrets over my treatment of my husband’s alcoholism and number one is that I wish I hadn’t hectored, cried, shouted and begged him to stop drinking. I may just as well have begged someone not to get Alzheimer’s disease.

HopeClearwater · 10/05/2020 22:02

start acting as if he has a terminal illness

*not one that you should nurse him through.

I got the book name wrong. I meant Marriage on the Rocks by Janet Woititz. You can get it from Amazon.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 22:02

He has mental health issues and wants to be happy by working on himself
.He struggled from depression long before he met me though he still thinks he is not depressed. I beg to differ.

I know this is not great for children
there is a lovely person there bit alcohol has taken over

OP posts:

HopeClearwater · 10/05/2020 22:04

I know this is not great for children

Yet you are still putting them through it. Children’s Services take an extremely dim view of allowing children to grow up in an alcoholic home.

DubiousGoals · 10/05/2020 22:05

As the child of an alcoholic, OP, please please leave him.

He won't stop drinking because you want him to. He won't stop drinking because your DC want him to. The only way he'll ever stand a chance of recovering is when he wants to. And to get to this point he'll have to hit rock bottom first and realise what he's lost.

TorkTorkBam · 10/05/2020 22:05

What's the alternative?

NiteFlights · 10/05/2020 22:12

It’s not your fault.
You can’t make him better.
He can address the depression if/when he’s sober, not while he’s drinking.
You need to detach. In the nicest possible way, this isn’t about you: alcohol means more to him than you or the DC do. Once again, this isn’t your fault.
You should let him go, and separate with a view to divorce.

pointythings · 10/05/2020 22:12

Yolo you need to accept that you are powerless to bring back that lovely person. If that's going to happen (this if is HUGE) then he has to do it himself. In the meanwhile you owe it to your children to protect them from the fallout. So you let him go. Let him do his thing. Not just for two months, for however long it takes. Right now he doesn't dictate what he wants with regards to the children - you dictate what happens in their best interest. Your codependence is stifling you. Believe me, I know how it feels. I've made all the mistakes you are making. My DDs are both still in therapy. Don't be me.

HopeClearwater · 10/05/2020 22:28

Yolo please look back at your threads in January and November (one of which I contributed to). Nothing is changing for you. You are living a terrible Groundhog Day. This is no way to exist, not for you and not your children. I feel desperately sorry for you because I have been there. Even in AA they have that saying about one definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result!

Let him go, and give your children and yourself some peace and the opportunity to heal. No it’s not a fairy tale ending, but it’s the better alternative right now.

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