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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH won't sort out his drinking problem by moving out for a bit?

89 replies

Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 16:51

I have written on here a lot about DH's drinking. He has decided he needs to move out for a month or two to get better himself. This feels disastrous to me. I can't see the drinking improving, only him having a place to do it.

A bit of space is good but I really don't know without professional help how this will work.

This is purely because of the angst from the drinking. Due to so many lies etc, I can't take it much more. He needs warm support which he can't get as he has lost my trust.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Tappering · 10/05/2020 18:51

Ive asked him to reach out to professionals. He just says I outsource. so hurtful

This is why you need to detach. It's the point a PP has already made - he doesn't want the help, because he is not ready to stop drinking yet. He will say anything to get you off his back. You find him professional help and he'll accuse you of wanting to outsource him. I guarantee if you'd offered to help him yourself then he'd accuse you of not doing a good enough job, or not being committed enough.

He will always find an excuse because he wants to drink. And anything that you put in the way of that - be it offers of help, ultimatums, understanding, encouragement - is just an obstacle that he needs to push past.

Detach. Let him go and focus on yourself and your children. Model healthy boundaries for them - that there are times when we have to pull back as an act of self-care even if it is someone we love.

user1635482648 · 10/05/2020 18:52

Are you asking this question to give you backup to try and stop him moving out, or to help you come to terms with the reality that this is over and you can't fix him?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 18:53

thanks Rabbit - that looks helpful. How long did it take your partner to recover?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 18:56

I think he needs to get over his mental health issues and addiction.If this is not possible, we cannot move forward.

He can move out. he will be back and forth as there are DC. I am just sick of being blamed when it is his issues and problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 18:59

Tappering - the irony is I am a professional in this area. But I can't help him as I am too close to the situation. He says I take no interest in him., never ask how he is. Kids have taken over our lives and they get in the way and i have slowly lost respect for him massively due to running up huge tax bills. He told me only two days ago he once had a tax bill of £50K/ Yes. I had no idea. I thought he had one of half that and I only found out when debt collectors came to the door. He still will not tell me where our finances lie. To this day. He will not lay it all out. Our finances are separate by the way.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/05/2020 19:03

He is a sinking ship and taking you and the DC with him.

Cut the cord and save yourself and the DC!

rabbitheadlights · 10/05/2020 19:24

He's still recovering YOLO and the reality is, he always will be. Every day is a conscious effort not to drink. The intuitive recovery programme actually helped him to understand the way his brain was thinking and interpreting things as an alcoholic and how it should be. Sorry I'm not explaining it very well but it literally was 6 lessons which each took about half an hour over a few days .

pointythings · 10/05/2020 19:49

Yolo just let him go. It will hurt, but you know it is the right thing to do. I am glad you are talking to someone - 'Al-Anon' as far as I am concerned is just shorthand for 'some form of support in RL'. My group isn't Al-Anon at all, we don't work to their principles.

I hope you will be able to work through your feelings, get really good at caring for yourself and detaching from him so that he can work through the things he has to work through - even if that involves drinking alone in a crappy flat somewhere.

Take care. Flowers

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:08

He has just told me that he is staying in a room with a communal kitchen and bathroom which at the moment seems like a terrible idea. Sharing with 4 other people whom I dont know.

I dont want him coming in the house having shared facilities with others. I certainly donr want him taking my children there. he will turn this around on me somehow. it is a nightmare.

he has also cashed in some retirement money to do this. All so terrible,

He wants to take the children to stay there.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/05/2020 20:10

You just say "no, it's not appropriate"

Does he even stay sober when looking after the DC?

VistaOfFreedom · 10/05/2020 20:11

Lol, I bet he does, a 2 month piss-up without you moaning at him! What a joker!

pointythings · 10/05/2020 20:15

You need ground rules. A communal house isn't a safe place during the pandemic - and nothing in the lockdown amendments supports him having the DC there. He can meet up with them in a park or similar. And he has to be sober when meeting them.

If he hasn't mentioned anything about rehab, attending AA or similar, I would just start divorce proceedings if I were you.

FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 20:16

As an immediate solution you don't even need to deal with the children going there. Due yo Coronovirus social distancing, they cannot go to a multi occupancy rental.

It won't matter anyway, he'll be drinking.

FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 20:18

He could have access to the children by doing some form of outdoor playing / exercise with them.

Tappering · 10/05/2020 20:25

Set boundaries.

You aren't taking the children to stay in a shared household with strangers, whilst you are trying to stop drinking. It's not safe - and the whole point of you moving out is to try and recover. You can see the children for a daily walk / picnic / trip to the park / whatever.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:29

Do you think it is even safe for him to have any contact with them, even in a park? I also think he is expecting to eat here each night. He cooks , not me so he wouldnt expect me to cook.

This whole thing is completely bizarre

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:29

By the way, DC are in school some of the time as I am a key worker.

OP posts:
Barton10 · 10/05/2020 20:30

As an alcoholic in recovery I would think the only reason he wants to go is so he can drink freely without any comment. Sadly there is nothing you can do about it. Alcoholism when you are hiding it is hard work and this will make it easy for him. He will get much worse before he gets better. He needs to want to stop and won’t until he hits bottom. Detach with love and look after yourself.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:32

I just keeping thinking this is all my fault. It is awful. I feel guilty as he keeps saying we need to work on our relationship. But it went downhill when he started drinking heavily. Not a coincidence.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:34

Barton - thank you for your insight. He keeps saying he has no freedom here, he can't be himself. What act like a single guy with no responsibilty and sit on you phone all day and drink?? That is literally what he means.

It has to be.

The kids found all these empty beer cans the other day. It is awful

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 10/05/2020 20:35

I also think he is expecting to eat here each night.

You must set boundaries. This is unacceptable. Him having any access to the children will be dependant on his drinking.

He will be drinking (it's why he wants to move out) so don't stress too much about the practicalities of child acess. It won't happen.but when speaking to your DH, you need to play lip service and give him a chance so that you are not denying him access. Just that he must be safe (ie sober) and in a safe space (ie outdoor exercise)

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:36

Barton - as I work in this field I feel even though his drinking is not extreme, he could do with rehab. I just cannot see how this is going to make his drinking better. That is my professional opinion.

OP posts:
TheABC · 10/05/2020 20:37

You need to put yourself and the kids first, as he will not.

Let him go. With the best will in the world, you are now acting as a crutch for his drinking as a handy excuse/stable home/income.

The lies alone would have killed for me, a long time ago.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/05/2020 20:37

I never know when he is drinking or not. Often it is undetectable until he explodes at something. He is not often falling down etc though this does happen.

OP posts:
pointythings · 10/05/2020 20:37

I just keeping thinking this is all my fault

That's normal. I thought so too. I thought something was lacking in me because I couldn't make him happy to the point where he didn't need to drink excessively. This is why you are seeing someone, to address that sense of misplaced responsibility. Just keep at it, it will come. Detaching from someone you have been so very close to takes time. In your rational moments you see clearly and that's the important part.