Long story short - been with DP just over a year. Don't live together but moved in together briefly for lockdown. When we met, he told me he is a smoker but in the process of giving up (that he'd been trying for ages) and was even chewing nicotine gum when he turned up for our first date.
He's usually fine on the nicotine gum and almost never has tobacco in the house and only slips up if he visits his friends' house (who is a heavy smoker). I found it difficult that he'd always give into temptation if someone smoked around him and alluded to the fact that I don't see myself dating a smoker long term - he took this as an ultimatum (which I guess it was) and got upset but also more determined to try and quit fully.
He told me he would try the stop smoking seminar that is supposed to be really good but obviously, I know we can't right now as everything is shut due to covid.
Unfortunately, me moving was only a couple of weeks after I said the "ultimatum" and I guess he was a bit stung by it. I told him even on the first date that I can't stand smokers (for so many reasons including their health, my health and the grossness factor of it). He weaned himself off the nicotine gum and was doing well for a few days which I was really pleased about. Yet, he'd use the more absurd reasons to justify going to his smoker friend's house and then drink followed by smoke, slip up and then go into extreme self pity, apologizing and saying he's ashamed of himself. Every time this happened, he would always promise that despite him slipping up, he would always be honest about it and never lie to me and in return he just asks for my patience on the journey to quitting smoking. I understood and agreed. When he slips up, he is very receptive to "feedback" and I suggested maybe he should avoid going to see that particular heavily smoking friend whilst he's trying to get rid of this addiction as being in that environment is making quitting much harder. He agreed yet would want to go over again a few days later.
The last time he went over, he made no mention he slipped up when he came back but said he was going to try a different method of quitting from now on. I could smell the cigarettes on him and the next day when he was being moody and blaming me for something, I suggested it might be nicotine withdrawal that's making him feel irritated - he got angry and told me it wouldn't be because he smoked yesterday. He said it so proudly and spitefully, it shocked me. He said I wanted him to fail, etc.
After that, I just went home and he said since then it's been much easier to generally abstain from smoking most of the time as he didn't feel the pressure of being watched/nagged. A lot of the nagging he feels wasn't directly me nagging but even if I recoil because of the smell, etc. he thinks I'm nagging. I know the golden rule of quitting is that the person needs to want to quit THEMSELVES. I've said maybe he subconsciously doesn't want to quit and is only doing it for me. He strongly denies this and said he really wants to quit (a lot of his family members have died of smoking related illnesses and he wouldn't even date a smoker himself as he finds the smell off-putting on others and has really really wanted to quit himself way before he even met me.
Since, he has apologised loads about making me feel bad about it and sorry for being somewhat deceptive but I still feel a bit hurt. In a lot of ways the relationship is amazing but I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive in finding the one time deceptiveness really hurtful or if I am overreacting? I know addiction is hard and I don't feel angry at his slip-ups along the way to quitting but I do feel angry being lied to when he gave me his word he'd always be honest about it (it's only because he gave me that promise that I feel so bad I guess). He is like the most honest person I have ever met - almost frightfully honest about everything and anything so this has shaken me a little I guess. Even this, he confessed the day after angrily so it wasn't full deceptiveness either but still hurts.
Am I being unreasonable in struggle to forgive this one lie? or would you feel the same?