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Original poster

Please tell me if I'm being ridiculously petty

121 replies

mucka · 08/05/2020 09:42

I genuinely don't know. I'll try and be really brief.

DP has children with ex DP.
She's made it very clear that she doesn't like me.
She's also made it very clear that she doesn't like my DS (not bio to my DP), for no reason.

DP is doing home visits while on lockdown to their house.

DP plans to bring our tiny baby with him at the weekend.

I'm very aware that quickly they'll be bored of a tiny baby that doesn't do anything and will just want to play with their dad (fair enough).

However, with how my preschooler has been spoke about especially, I am not comfortable with her watching my baby while they play.
In fact, honestly, I'm not comfortable with her interacting with my baby at all.

Is this ridiculously petty? Do I sound like the pettiest person ever to tell him this?
Or am I in my right? I don't know. I don't want to be a petty person but I'm just not comfortable with it.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 08/05/2020 11:08

Of course it's petty. Nowhere in your post was there any actual concern for the baby. It is all about not wanting HER interacting with your baby.

Not to say I think the baby's father should (or shouldn't) take his child anywhere, just pointing out the glaring pettiness. Not sure I wouldn't feel the same tbh.

LochJessMonster · 08/05/2020 11:12

Sorry but I think your DP is potentially abusive and definitely gaslighting you.
Well that didn’t take long

God forbid a father wanting his children to meet their new sibling Hmm

Sounds like he can’t win at the moment, the ex won’t let the children come to him, you won’t let the baby go to them.
All he wants is contact with his children.

I understand your concerns and you need to speak with him but try and understand it from his point of view as well. He has to keep his ex happy if he wants to maintain a relationship with his children.

Saladmakesmesad · 08/05/2020 11:14

The children should meet their sibling but it should be in your house only. If that can't happen, the kids will have to wait.

Vik81 · 08/05/2020 11:14

I have found blended families to be my hardest challenge to date. Your baby is a vulnerable to infection and does not have a strong immune system. So it would be against all good advice to mix the child in any household.

As for your predicament, isn't it time the kids came to your home for visits? When I first met my partner this was the arrangement, I quickly changed that. How can he be a good dad with his ex breathing down his neck?

NaviSprite · 08/05/2020 11:16

If it’s a case of wanting his DC to meet their new sibling - suggest it wait until lockdown is eased? I wouldn’t want my baby going to a house where somebody had openly stated they dislike me and my older child.

Tell him you’re not happy with the idea of baby going without you present, explain as you have said here, that it’s likely his DC won’t want to spend too much time interacting with baby and then it might impede on his quality time with his DC. That you’re more than happy for them to have a relationship and encourage that, but now is not the right time.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 08/05/2020 11:16

What? No.

Nope, nopeity, nope!

This is simply asking too much from you.

tenterden · 08/05/2020 11:19

No way.

And his DC should becoming to you.

Candyfloss99 · 08/05/2020 11:20

No way should you let his ex look after your baby. The kids can come to your house if they want to see the baby. The baby shouldn't even be leaving the house at the moment anyway. This is ridiculous.

1forsorrow · 08/05/2020 11:21

Will this be the first time they meet the baby? If so I can understand him wanting them to meet but I think either they come to you or you go with him, he takes baby in to meet them and then brings baby back to you. Hopefully they are fairly local and he can drop you home and go back for his visit. If not local he has to choose between a very short visit or going without baby. If baby is tiny that is the most I'd do.

Pumpkintopf · 08/05/2020 11:22

If your other child is not welcome I certainly wouldn't be sending my baby there.

Fisharefriendstoo · 08/05/2020 11:22

Do you need elaborate excuses? Just say no.

Also how are his children with your older son if their mum is nasty about him? I hope he has his own father present to spoil and love him rather than being an outsider.

Crunchymum · 08/05/2020 11:26

How old is the baby @mucka ?

Have the kids met baby at all yet?

How is baby fed? (not a question to beat you with but a small BF baby should not be away from you for any length of time!)

How far apart do you live? Could DP take baby for an hour, drop baby back and then go off again to spend time with the kids?

This is a huge undertaking but maybe an absolute one off if this is the first time siblings are going to meet but could you drive them, wait in car with your DS, let baby pop in for 20 minutes and then take baby and DS home?

Fedup21 · 08/05/2020 11:26

DP plans to bring our tiny baby with him at the weekend.

Why? Who is this benefitting?

dontdisturbmenow · 08/05/2020 11:26

Depends on how old tiny baby is and how long he intends on staying there.

Crunchymum · 08/05/2020 11:27

And yes why the hell is your DO tolerating his ex being so mean to you and your child?

Crunchymum · 08/05/2020 11:27

DO = DP

TriangleBingoBongo · 08/05/2020 11:29

No way.

Why would your DP even suggest this?

GhostCurry · 08/05/2020 11:33

This is one of those situations where the initial idea (DH wanting his children to new the new baby) has been compromised by a factor later thrown into the mix (the ex refusing to let that happen at your place), and no one has gone back to revisit the original plan. Instead scrambling about to make the new plan work, even though it doesn’t, for anyone.

If he goes to ex’s place he will have to cut the visit short because of the baby. His other kids won’t have enough time with him and it will be compromised by having to put the baby’s needs first. The ex might not even be prepared to look after the baby, regardless of your feelings about that.

OP, tell your husband that the baby won’t go this time. He may be disappointed but he will cope. The other kids can meet the baby when they can come to you. (He can challenge his ex on that during the visit - it was easier for him to go with her wishes in the moment. But now he knows you are not happy, he will have to go back on his word. 🤷🏻‍♀️)

GhostCurry · 08/05/2020 11:33

*to meet the new baby

Crunchymum · 08/05/2020 11:34

Have you NC?

Are you the same poster who had their DP tell them he wouldn't "let his own kids get away with that??"

Cornishclio · 08/05/2020 11:34

If your baby is very tiny there is no way I would be letting him/her go and remind your DH how difficult it will be for him to look after the baby whilst spending time with his DC. Surely that is the point of the visit? The DC can bond with the baby when you are present and they come to your house.

Futurenostalgia · 08/05/2020 11:34

What happens when you tell your dp no?

rosiepony · 08/05/2020 11:35

Oh god more people sprogging up when there are already enough kids on the scene.

DollyDaydream70 · 08/05/2020 11:41

Baby shouldn't be going anywhere at the moment. 100% keep baby home with you.

SmileyClare · 08/05/2020 11:47

It's worrying if your dp is relaying all the hostile things his ex has said about you and your ds. As a pp thread mentioned, sometimes men will deliberately play the two women off each other. It's manipulative , can be abusive behaviour so watch out for that.

A compromise would be for you to go too for a brief visit or they come to you. If both households have been shielding for 6 weeks purely so they are able to meet the new baby then everyone has made huge sacrifices. It seems fair to reach a solution that is as fair as it can be for everyone.

Going forward, regular contact with their new half sibling will only work if things can be amicable between you all. Your ds cannot be completely excluded either, poor boy.

Maybe consider how you could reach an amicable agreement in the future. Perhaps you need to take the bull by the horns and speak to the ex directly. Tell her you don't appreciate rude comments about you or your son and insist you want to "get along" for the sake of all the children involved? I don't know, obviously you don't have to be best mates but all this hostility can't continue.

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