I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

Depends on the age and why. My son is 13 and has been added to multiple WhatsApp groups. He's muted them all but I check them for innappropriate content and there certainly is some. When he moved from primary to secondary school the head also said that just over 90% of the bullying cases they now deal with involve social media/messaging.

I have an agreement with both kids that I can and will go through their phones, tablets etc if I feel there is a need too. I make sure they know it's a safety thing and that I'm doing it through concern not pure nosiness! They've never objected.

no one here has said that checking phones should be done at the expense of meaningful conversations and other protective measures

Sorry if I gave that impression. I did not intend to. IMHO it is the conversations and IRL protective measures that really matter and the phone checking is IMHO an invasion of privacy, and gives a false sense of security. In other words, I disagree with PPs who have said that not checking phones is “neglectful parenting”. It’s only one tool and one I refuse to stoop to use.

By 14 or 15 kids really should be able to use the internet properly. Not snooping on phones doesn’t been you don’t have conversations or give them guidance.

@karen42069

Karen, you want us to cancel our kids??? 🤔

If teens think their privacy is being invaded, don't be surprised if they delete or hide stuff. I had a very tech-savvy son who showed me various ways of hiding messages and apps.

My friend found out (years later) that her daughter had a facebook account that she would install to use when she was out, then delete the app before she came home because mum used to check her phone.

I check my teenagers phones and Discord servers that they have on their computers.

I did a safeguarding course as part of volunteering to work with children. We were told that our local shopping centre (mall style) was used by older men befriending teenage boys who in turn befriend teenage girls and are then introduce the teen girls to the much older men who have money, cars, can buy gifts, treat them to meals, etc etc. It horrified some people on the course because their 13/14 year old daughters hang out there in groups.

Maybe, as you do not have teenagers yourself, you should head on over to the teenager board on MN to see how badly this can go wrong with drugs, sexting, underage sex etc etc.

This isn't just about going through a phone but having a conversation about why things can go badly. Ds1 watched Three Girls about the grooming of teenagers. He was horrified, but as an adult you can see how that happened.

I agree generally, but there are teens/ situations where what has worked for us might not be suitable for everyone else.

Mine are 16 & 18, we've never checked their phones. There have been occasions since the eldest got her first brick where one has brought us their phone to ask about something they aren't sure about, and rarer still to tell us about something they know is a problem, but we've never asked for them, or checked behind their backs.

As well as the usual talking about the internet etc, both dc proved themselves early on with how they dealt with less than ideal situations, and we've always promoted trust, independence and age appropriate responsibility in all areas of life. Our trust was never misplaced in any of those other areas so there was never any need to insult their understanding when it came to their phones.

Totally agree.

Sorry if I gave that impression. I did not intend to. IMHO it is the conversations and IRL protective measures that really matter and the phone checking is IMHO an invasion of privacy, and gives a false sense of security. In other words, I disagree with PPs who have said that not checking phones is “neglectful parenting”. It’s only one tool and one I refuse to stoop to use
That is your choice. I reserve the right, if concerned for the welfare of my minor child, to invade their privacy at will. It's not something I would do lightly or regularly, mind you.

@karen

U ok hun?

I have done, but only if there us something I'm really concerned about. My DD is 16,has self harmed occasionally for the past couple of years, been bullied at school and has depression. I don't actually go through her phone,however she borrowed my phone one day and left herself logged in on Instagram and I could see her messages. I found out that she'd struck up a 'friendship ' with a guy who seemed to be encouraging her to harm herself, was being very manipulative and playing mind games with her- not a nice person at all. I didn't tell DD that I'd seen the messages, but ,in a round about way, I started a convo about people who were good for us, those who weren't, and those who made us think they were helping us but weren't really. Anyway, she mentioned this lad and proceeded to tell me that he was telling her to cut herself if it made her feel better, amongst other things, we had a chat about how damaging that kind of person is and it resulted in her completely blocking him and not having any contact with him. It also opened up other lines of conversation and although we're always quite open and talk about most things she's promised that she will speak to me,her dad or her brother if anything like it happened again.
I don't feel guilty at all- I've logged out of her Instagram on my phone now- but I probably wouldn't have known about this lad if I hadn't seen the messages and God knows where it would have ended.

13/14yo Not unreasonable
17/18yo unreasonable
Having brought up 4 kids oldest 22 youngest 18.
I'd say checking your YOUNGER teens phone is essential. Social media is a minefield. Kids may be more tech savvy than some of us but they are learning the harsh realities of life. No matter how streetwise your young teens are it is an absolute given they will need some guidance and support at some point to do with social media.
Its poor parenting and lack of safe guarding to let younger teens just get on with it.

Older teens, deserve their privacy unless they are vulnerable in some way.

@karen42069

*well what else do you suggest love

by cancel i mean pouring myself another glass of rosé and rattling the walls with my shrieks for my husband to take away their phones for the UMPTEENTH TIME

lol, i'm so relatebale*

Eh?

Fi3ld. What kind of high school do your kids go to? At my kids school payment for lunch etc is via parentpay, kids pay for their lunch using their thumb print. Phones are banned during the school day, evenue breaks. If a phone is seen in class they get a detention, if they tried to take a photo of homework or anything else they are in isolation. Homework is set via Google classroom. I don't belive you for 1 second.

😂😂😂😂🙈

Someone definitely is using the internet unsupervised

Fi3rd you admit that your kids erase anything dodgy on their phone. If my kids where doing that their phone would be confiscated and they would be grounded.

Different high schools have different phone rules.

My DCs have been to a HS that banned phones entirely, one that allowed them but they had to be off during class time, and one that allows them and only restriction is to put in a container by door during an exam. (We moved often for my job).

How would you know My and how on Earth are you going to police that? “ I know something was on there”🤔

And I can assure you screenshots of homework on whiteboard is normal. No google homework.

Headbangersandmash He is 16 now, the Cyberbullying was when he was 13 & the girl who got herself wrapped up in drinks, drugs & selling internet sex was 14, ds actually told her parents what she was doing & that he was worried about her, they totally ignored what he said & had the attitude, Not our daughter. That was when ds asked me to come & see the safeguarding team at school with him. Turned out she was severely anorexic, had damaged her liver with drink & drugs, the parents had no idea. He always locks his phone if he is out of home, there wouldn't be much point of me looking at it because there are thousands of pictures of trains, he is autistic & mad about trains, the only time other than school he goes out is to sit on the station taking pictures of trains.

@Fi3ldTrip

No, you're completely right.

Naturally, parents can't possibly monitor or check on their kids online activities. Nope. Not at all. Not their responsibility.

They're 14 after all and perfectly able and mature enough to navigate the adult world by now.