I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

Don't do something to a teenager that you would not do to another adult

What a ridiculous statement.

A 13-year-old or 15-year-old are not adults. They are children and should be treated in an age appropriate way. Not as adults

A child on the internet unsupervised is open to the same dangers as a child alone in a busy city.

That’s really funny hyperbole. Can they get kidnapped, stabbed, run over, sexually molested etc while sitting at home on the internet? This isn’t Tron. The internet cannot harm you. You have an off switch and mummy and daddy in the next room to help you.

Nobody under 30 uses Facebook here. Instagram convos can be unsent and they can put passwords on to get in. There would be no point me snooping on their phones,I’d see zilch.

@iyra
Well that's what I did and mine are all absolutely fine
Each to their own

Nobody under 30 uses Facebook here
Not true for everywhere.
Other platforms such as snapchat and tiktok are popular but face book is no where dead yet with teens

@PlanDeRaccordement I should have said the same level of danger.

Sorry but it is entirely possible for children to be kidnapped or sexually molested as a result of people they meet on the internet. You are very naive if you think this isn't true.

Even sitting in their living room - children can be sent sexually explicit images, videos.

And as this thread shows a lot of parents aren't making attempts to protect their children from any of this, so they won't be just 'switching it off'.

Snapchat convos disappear.

Agree OP 100% - and I have teenagers with quite serious issues. The answer is not to to through their phones it's to talk to them.

I am aware that Snapchat conversations disappear

otally agree
Don't do something to a teenager that you would not do to another adult

There are plenty of things I would expect or tell my minor child to do that I would not ask of my adult partner.
Example: I would not allow my minor child to be out till 3am with their mates. I would/could not stop my partner (though I might express displeasure).

Snapchat and Kik shouldn't be on a child's phone until they are mature enough to not need parental guidance. That means they shouldn't have either at 13/14.

@Fi3ldTrip I teach secondary school and literally every child there has Facebook. It’s still very popular across the UK with teenagers - often in conjunction with snapchat, Instagram and TikTok etc.

If not tracking phones it works for people and their children, then perfect. I have seen too much shit from teenagers and their phones - and you’d be surprised with what teenage girls keep, particularly mean messages from other girls for some reason. So when my children are teenagers, they will be told ‘I want access to your phone if I ever feel it’s appropriate’

I wouldn’t snoop and take it without telling them but I maintain the right to check it if I am worried or suspicious by their behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

If not checking phones*

Sorry but it is entirely possible for children to be kidnapped or sexually molested as a result of people they meet on the internet. You are very naive if you think this isn't true.

Yet they cannot be kidnapped or molested through the screen of their phone/pad/computer. They have to physically go meet some stranger. The key to stopping these IRL dangers is to monitor and be aware of their IRL actions. Snooping their internet usage does nothing, gains nothing.
And surely, it is more important to teach a child how to identify internet predators for themselves? And to not be afraid to bring issues to a parent? Saying to a DC go and do internet stuff and I’ll check to make sure you are safe just gives them a false sense of security. That their new buddy x must be ok because mum checks all my internet and she’s not said anything, so I’m safe.
My approach is like a space walk with a lifeline. I’m their lifeline. Your approach is to wrap them in cotton wool so they don’t have to think for themselves about who is safe and who is a problem online, because you’re like big brother, you see everything, know everything and will think for them and tell them what is safe. At some point, at some age they have to think for themselves and I think my method is a little more apt for that.

Must be a regional thing then as it’s really unpopular here at this age.They seemed to grow out of it a while ago and seem quite scathing about it.

I feel it depends on the child and their age. DS1 I checked until he was about 13, he's a confident sensible boy so i knew if he was having any problems he'd ask for help

DS2 is only 11 so I check his phone every evening, I don't read each message individually but just scan through. I'll probably keep going until he asks me to stop, but he does have some SEN and struggles a little socially so for now I'd like to keep a bit of an eye on what he says and receives.

I disagree OP, my DC know it's a privilege (and for their parents convenience) that they have a smart phone. They know they have to agree to certain responsibilities for the rights to a smartphone. One of the responsibilities is understanding we have the right to access their phone at any time.

We keep it overnight. We update the OS and all the apps. We have family sharing set up and all the relevant age related settings in place. My DC can't even download an app without asking permission from us. (We get sent an authorisation message).

This will change as they mature. We will have lots of conversations. As parents we will be the excuse for our DC to get out of things that make them nervous.

I will take steps back at 16, 17 and leave them to it completely by age 18.

You can have a really great kid - works hard at school, helps out at home, nice to everyone and honest to a fault but she’s still a teenager who will sometimes go along with the crowd, do something on impulse, trust someone she shouldn’t, give in to peer pressure. It’s just the nature of being a teen, they’re not always the most logical and rational of people!

Your child can fuck up or find themselves in a tricky situation they didn’t see coming. It doesn’t mean they’re untrustworthy nor is it an indictment on your parenting, they’re just not fully cooked yet and still need some protecting. Their safety should come ahead of their privacy which in any case is surely something that is granted incrementally as children get older and more mature
You've put it brilliantly.

It's easy for people to snugly say 'MY child would never... MY child talks to me about everything so I don't need to snoop' but the reality is that if there's no adult oversight how on earth do people know what's going on?

It amuses me that we are getting to the point where some parents won't let their children out around town or the park with friends due to danger and yet they give their child unrestricted access to the internet in their pocket 24/7.

Up to about 16 I would consider it and did when they were younger,they knew I was doing it.
Now at 17 and 18 no,I wouldn't, but I do say to them legally they are my phones,I pay for them,they are in my name,so if you do anything illegal or immoral they will be removed .And also I'm a primary school headteacher and the only breadwinner in the house so if its illegal and they are in my name we are all buggered!

I look at my DS's phone, the only messages I will skim over are the ones that have no name saved, just a phone number. Same with emails, PSN etc. Best to be safe than sorry

I agree @PlanDeRaccordement doing nothing but checking your child’s phone isn’t great either. But telling your child you reserve the right to check their phone, and simultaneously showing them how to keep safe online can only serve to protect them?

I am so wary of technology - I honestly see a constant stream of issues with it. My children are young - 6,3 and 9 months but I have anxiety planning how I’m going to balance keeping them safe with giving them technological freedom. Working in a high school only shows me how dangerous unchecked social media and phone use is!

Not one single person has suggested that checking their phone and only doing that is the way to go. Not one.

You have to do both. You can't abdicate their offline safety just because you check their phone, but equally, imo, just because you talk to them a lot you can't just assume that they are able to carry that out confidently and competantly online. Especially as very young teens.

We'd never expect kids to be able to cross roads without doing it in stages, or to get from one end of the country to the other without gradual education in travel. It's bizarre to me that people think youngsters can just be confident and savvy enough to pick up any problems online without guidance.

@PlanDeRaccordement as a pp said earlier, no one here has said that checking phones should be done at the expense of meaningful conversations and other protective measures. It just hasn't been discussed as in-depth because the thread is about checking phones.

I agree with your post, but I believe checking teenagers phones under the age of 16 is a necessary measure.

YABU. I am the parent and the teenager is still a child. It's my responsibility to keep an eye out for my child.

Sexting, County lines, peer on peer abuse, is on the increase.

Teens are being exposed to risks that didn't exist when we were teens.

We have to safeguard our children by keeping up to date with technology and the language they use. I think checking a teens phone when they seem worried or you sense something is off is sensible. They live under my roof and abide by my rules.