I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

Just saying you need to be v careful. Trampling over privacy pushes anything untoward underground. Big risk considering much of what you’ll want to see you won’t get to see anyway.

Never did, never felt compelled too, never had reasons to.

I might have felt different if I'd had cause to worry.

Fi3ldTrip My experience tells children who have an open trusting relationship with their parents and who aren’t getting up to unwanted activities understand their parents are acting as wise guardians.

It’s not to catch them out or destroy blossoming young romances that you look, it’s to ensure that romance is blossoming with someone known and that nobody is sending things that can harm them and which they might need advice or direction to remain safe.

Imagine a soft fifteen year old, slightly besotted by a beautiful but unkind sixteen year old who uses her physical attractiveness to torment her suitors.

Imagine she has a bit of fun by sending out a topless photo to a few lads, ‘for a laugh’, meaning to embarrass or ridicule but not more.
Imagine that soft fifteen year old opens the photo and sends it to his best friend who has said he’s also had an interesting photo, asking do you mean this one?
Now imagine that fifteen year old being interviewed by the police because the girls teacher had overheard the conversation amongst a group of girls about it and reported it as a safeguarding concern.
Then imagine the seventeen year old applying to do a degree in nursing, speech therapy, teaching, medicine, dentistry or social work and being rejected because he is on the sex offenders register.
Personally I’d rather check phones and invade privacy at a stage I could intervene and as a preventative measure than see my child in a young offenders institution or have to,visit their grave because they were tipped over the edge when cyber bullying around their delicate mental health tipped them over the edge to suicide.
Both rare but both probably preventable by being able to intervene early. Worth the uncoolness of parenting effectively and not allowing children to set the boundaries.

You think you know where your teenager is because you track their phone? That’s naive. You think they’re capable of outsmarting any restrictions on their use of tech but you don’t think they’re capable of handing their phone to their friends for an hour, knowing you track it, while they go off and meet someone?

It's called responsible parenting.

This ^. I used to work in safeguarding until last year and I wish more parents would check their kids phones. Some of them have NO idea what they're doing and more importantly, who they're talking to.

I haven't read the full thread, I don't have time right now but I'm sure there are many people saying it's an invasion of privacy/lack of trust etc. It IS and invasion of privacy but too bad. Seriously, if you don't check your young teens phone then you should care enough to do so.

Glow I know my daughter. She’d be 🤮 at the thought. She wants a career, has no interest. Clearly has no extra money gifted to her from a groomer, rarely goes into town even before lockdown as got loads of work so he’d be very bored. Good grades and zero truancy. Clearly happy.Her friends are just as square as she is. We have a trusting relationship and all my dc are sensible. Come to me on the odd occasions they’ve screwed up. I respect their privacy. They know that and appreciate it.

Depends on age.

It's very much promoted as a sensible thing to do by almost all online safety groups and does help to reduce issues caused by mobile phone use.

But you need to be doing it openly and with their agreement. It should be part of the agreement to them having a phone at the start. As the child gets older and shows responsibility and sensible use then the supervision can relax. It should be done alongside good online safety advice from parents too - not just relying on school. This should be alongside other rules / no phones at bedtime, no charging in the beg/sofa and leaving it there, no access to the password to download costly apps, restrictions on place on phones such as no in app purchases set, etc.

I'm a CEOP Ambassador and do a lot of online safety courses over the years. Some of the findings are alarming - and I am very much pro phones and SM so it's not a case of being naive and scare lingering.

As a young teen I allowed my dd a phone and social media but only with supervision on place - agreed beforehand and monitored gently and in a measured way throughout. It relaxed and eased with time. By the time she was sixth form age there was no checking at all. Tbh because of her nature and the fact that she was very sensible re phone and SM use very little happened before that anyway for a long while. BUT the right to do so if we felt it necessary was always there.

One thing to beat in mine also is that if in a contract - then that contract will be in your name. If anything goes wrong and it's your name on that phone and contract. It (the contract) belongs to you not the child.

@Fi3ldTrip you sound ridiculous. So because they are sensible they wouldn't ever do silly things if they thought they were in love, peer pressure or pressured ? They may be sensible in general but that doesn't mean they will never go on to make silly decisions or mistakes.

Read into grooming gangs how they charm you, make you fall in love. Doesn't always mean they are given gifts or money. Once they have done that then if you put a foot wrong or refuse to do what they want they threaten family etc.

Also teenagers can be bullied into things, there's so many different situations. Parents absolutely should be checking phones it's your responsibility to try your best to keep them safe.

Really don’t think I am ridiculous thanks. Giving teens zero privacy pushes behaviour that needs to be hidden underground. You’re very naive if you think a girl under the influence of a groomer won’t be influenced to hide and be given all the tips. Many teens have jobs,one of mine pays for his contract. They’ve all had phones as presents. All are capable and woukd simply buy a hidden phone if they thought I was snooping through all their private messages.

As a CEOPs ambassador could you tell us how to deal with the above and the fact that knowing parents are regularly looking means kids can and do wipe conversations and history, use platforms that disappear , use multiple accounts are and well able to buy a decoy phone. If kids can go to hotels undetected pretty sure they can pop in to pick up decoy phones.

I’m well aware of grooming gangs and the type of girls that are targeted. My dd does not fit that demographic and is pretty low risk. All my dc know the dangers of online activity. They’ve had it drummed in to them since 6 if anything they’re over zealous re safety and worry about it.

As an aside my ds has a friend who we did report to teachers as a grooming risk. She was being asked for pictures for money and bragging re the 100s of £££ she had to spend, laughing over the initial relative harmless pics and showing them.My ds came to me. There was zero evidence on her phone. She didn’t know we’d reported it and bragged to my dc that she’d wiped her phone before the shit hit the fan.

@Fi3ldTrip

Well, I hope you are right and you don't ever get that call from the police or school.

And the girl bragging about wiping her phone just shows how very naïve and stupid kids are.... Nothing is deleted... And it can be recovered.

Kids are stupid, because they think they're ever so clever 🤷

I’m well aware of grooming gangs and the type of girls that are targeted. My dd does not fit that demographic and is pretty low risk

Please tell us what you mean by this statement @Fi3ldTrip

www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-we-do/helping-children/help-us-stop-child-sexual-exploitation-cse/what-do-you-need-know-about-cse

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/gangs-criminal-exploitation/

People that groom aren’t daft. They pick the most vulnerable children and those with the most limited support system.

Perhaps we could have some advice re retrieving material wiped off phones, in conversations that disappear and on decoy phones.

Also what do you do when your child refuses to hand over their phone because they’re fed up with having zero privacy. I for one won’t be wrestling with any teens.

Why do you keep talking about zero privacy - people aren’t talking about zero privacy but you’re choosing to assume the worse case scenario.

Noone has said they have zero privacy.

It seems like you're imagining us, trawling through every single conversation, web haute visits, app and photosi in the wee hours of the night, in an attempt to catch our kids out.

That isn't what's happening ... We are just periodically checking to see if our kids are safe... ALONGSIDE talking to them, educating them, trusting them etc.
Sometimes kids don't know they're being groomed. Sometimes they feel like tthey can't tell you through fear or embarassment. Sometimes you discover that their friends are in danger....

You clearly haven't had any had experiences, which is great and how it should be.

But why are you going 'uhh .... Noooo' when people like Child Protection officers, safeguarding leads and profess bodies ALL recommend keeping some sort of tabs in what your kids are doing online ... Why do you think they are saying that? For shuts ans giggles? Or because they've seen firsthand what can happen when something goes wrong, as be they've had parents say things like "My dd does not fit that demographic" or "I know my daughter. She’d be 🤮 at the thought."

But it is zero privacy. When you look through you’ll be going though all conversations and history in theory otherwise it’s pointless. I’d be mortified if somebody did that to me. Kids these days have most of their conversations online. I’d have been so uncomfortable knowing my parents heard all my conversations with friends as a teen.

CEOPS etc don’t keep up with teens and reality. Where is the advice on how to handle the reality which is the maj of teens can hide anything they want in their phones?

I’ve asked experts at events and they often just shrug their shoulders. They can barely keep up with the latest dodgy sites in vogue. That is the reality.

I go through my teenagers phone, she is 13 and I found out she went behind my back and created an instagram account and we have had all the talk about internet safety etc. She said she wanted it as all her friends have it which is a lie. She was following all sorts of people including men and a few of these men had followed her back and some had even sent her private messages.

So no I don’t think it’s unacceptable to go through your teenagers phone.

I think you might just about get away with it with a 13 year old although she’ll now set up a decoy account due to the fact she really will be missing out on an awful lot.Anything older and I think you’re setting yourself up for a huge amount of grief which will be counter productive as will probably achieve very little.

Absolutely zero privacy, in terms of parents knowing who their children are communicating with and the tone of the communication. It’s tosh to say it drives things underground. It sets a culture of open communication and honesty.
My children could go through my phone if they wanted; they have done sometimes if they wanted to know when I was away or whether I’d ordered something they wanted. Since I don’t have dodgy conversations, I cannot see a problem with transparency.
My children are still happy for me to look at their phones occasionally, to find a number or check their calendar.
It really isn’t all or nothing but until sixteen there is no right in law. There is parental responsibility though.

Our mistake.with our eldest now early 20s was giving them a phone and not really having any rules. It was hard to back track with rules then.
With the other 3 (youngest now 18) we paid for their phones and they were all told from the very beginning we reserved the right to check their phones at anytime we were concerned or saw reason to do so.
There was no sneaking or peeking behind backs. The younger 3 from day 1 knew this was the score as was charging overnight downstairs until older.

@Fi3ldTrip you really have no idea. I would love to know what kind of girls you think they go for?? I was groomed by one of these gangs. Introduced by a girl that was my friend. I came from a middle Class family, I had every thing I ever wanted and my parents were actually really strict. But I still fell for the trap.

We are all talking about teenagers being naive but to be honest it sounds like you really need to
Learn about internet safety and what to watch
Out for seems as you really do not have any idea.

Depends on whether its a 13 yo or a 19yo. And on who pays the bill

Fi3ldTrip
Your main arguments seem to be:

1. My child is different

eg.My child isn't that sort of child, my child isn't the type to be groomed, my child will talk to me, and there's quite a strong sense of superiority coming through your posts

1. Because teens can be tech savvy then there's no point in monitoring phone and tech use, it's more effort to monitor phones and it's so much easier to save yourself the grief

I hate to break it to you but I've seen loads of issues with teens and technology, and believe it not OP some of them come from very naice homes and would probably fit your idea of 'not that demographic'.