I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

Age dependent. I would check the phone of a 16 or 17 year old, but giving a 11/12/13 year old a smartphone and leaving them to it is negligent in my book.

That should read: wouldn't check the phone of a 16 or 17 year old.

It's okay everyone...Fi3ldTrip has spoken to experts...she is absolved of all responsibility to her kids safety.
That will definitely make her feel better if the worst was to happen. She definitely wouldn't think 'hmmm maybe I could have done more'... Her conscience will be clean 👍

Obviously all you safeguarding leads have NO IDEA, just ask Fi3ldTrip next time what should have been done the next time you have. 15 year old in your office, crying as the parents stare on in horror as you explain that their child has been sexually abused. Fi3ldTrip can come in I and go 'look, they're 15 now, they're old enough to navigate the internet safely'.

@00100001 absolutely agree. And the likes of her will say no no it can't be true because it doesn't happen to those kind of children. Anything can happen to any child from any home.

You're wrong re CEOPs by the way. They are c sternly doing research and speaking with children and young people of all ages. They have very up to date data.

But it's fine. You don't want to supervise your teens phonics use. So don't. Your choice.

Just because others do want to do so doesn't mean they are wrong.

Most people do have some form of supervision from my experience. Most of the children who get into issues on social media and phone use are those without supervision from my experience too.

The whole secret accounts thing is a red herring. The deleting of stuff is a red herring too. Most savvy parents know these are a possibility and know the signs to look out for for these too.

And the likes of her will say no no it can't be true because it doesn't happen to those kind of children. Anything can happen to any child from any home.
The 'it doesn't happen to children like mine / people like us' mentality is naive, smug or both.

When people say things like that, what they often mean is "we are a nice, respectable, probably middle class family, in a nice area, and abuse/neglect/grooming only happens to children from poor families or families who are troubled (because obviously families like us don't have troubles)" and other such attitudes.

Anything can happen to any child from any home.

This is true. Including children whose parents monitor their phones. Phone monitoring does not change the fact that in order to be in any danger, the child must physically leave their home. It also does not prevent children from going off to meet someone somewhere. By itself, its a pretty useless thing to do to protect your child. I choose to expend my time and energy being aware and monitoring their actions and movements. In return, my children have their privacy. It’s not a given that a child has to sacrifice their privacy for you to ensure their safety.

in order to be in any danger, the child must physically leave their home.

^ Yes, no child has ever self harmed at home, or committed suicide at home, as a result of cyberbullying, or the influence of online groups.

For as long as I pay for my 12 year olds phone I will keep full access. He’s only allowed to have a paswprd we know.

As soon as he’s old enough to earn the money to pay for his own phone, he’s old enough to have privacy.

Phone monitoring does not change the fact that in order to be in any danger, the child must physically leave their home.

Well, that’s not true. Teens can be groomed and manipulated through their phone by other teens who are then welcomed into the home by parents (who assume there’s nothing there except innocent friendship) to sexually assault the teen.

Under 16 I think it would be highly irresponsible not to.

"Phone monitoring does not change the fact that in order to be in any danger, the child must physically leave their home"

Oh, of course, because a child couldn't possibly be coerced to send nudes at home. Not could they possibly tell someone where they live. Nor could they possibly self-harm or take an overdose at home.

No the only possible danger is by them physically leaving the house...

"Phone monitoring does not change the fact that in order to be in any danger, the child must physically leave their home"

Genuinely worries me that a parent can actually think this.

@PlanDeRaccordement I am agog that you actually believe this.

What about...

Children who self-harm in the home as a result of real life/online bullying

Children who commit suicide in the home as a result of real life/online bullying

Children who send inappropriate pictures from the home as a result of peer pressure, feelings of inadequacy, naivety, that are exacerbated both in real life and online

Children who come into contact with paedophiles online while in their homes, through Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Facebook, TikTok

Or are these things not danger to you? So - it's not danger if your child just talks to a paedophile online, only if they are physically sexually abused? They are safe as long as they are in your four walls.

I just HAVE NO WORDS. HOW can people have this level of naivety and sheer stupidity when it comes to the safety of their children!!

I think its irresponsible not to tbh. Especially if they're only 13/14. It's not the same as reading a diary for example, which my mum used to do, its seeing what they are on the receiving end of as well.
My colleague checked his 13 year old DD phone and it was full of messages about "sucking off" so and so.

Any of those scenarios would have signs which most attentive parents would be aware of. In those cases if you got nowhere through discussion and other investigations of course you’d check to fact find although not exactly sure how it would pan out if a teen refused and who knows if you’d find what you were looking for.

That is a world away from invading privacy on a regular basis with no alarm bells ringing.

Frankly I think by previously consistently going through a 14/15year olds phone the battle and fall out from getting hold of it on a regular basis would cause more damage and push a teen away from confiding anything in the above scenarios.

Building good relationships, respect,security, trust and keeping discussion open will prove to be far more beneficial. Teens crave privacy. They also need a huge amount of education and support to be able to deal with any of the above which is far more important.

Still waiting for advice on how to monitor teen phones when they are resorting to sneaky behaviour due to invasions of privacy. How do you access conversations/ activity that are on platforms that disappear, on a decoy phone/ device or have been deleted?

Would just like to also point out that the worse thing you can do to a miserable teen is cut them off from their friends and the outside world by taking phones away. Like it or not life is very different for teens today and phones play a big part in their social lives and everyday life.

I'd be surprised if many 19 year olds require that level of supervision.

I'd be surprised if a 19 year old would let you. They are an adult and as such can tell you that you won't be looking at their phone.

Our son is 18, so an adult. He pays for his own phone and would more than likely (and quite rightly) tell us to bugger off if we said we wanted to look at it.

I’ve never searched either of their phones (19 & 15) but if I need to borrow theirs they will let me no problem (they have better packages than me) and I’ve never felt compelled to check them nor have they got anxious (they’ll let me take it for an hour or so). I trust my kids and I respect when they borrow my phone they don’t go through it either.

I wouldn’t regularly check through my 13 year olds phone, but if I thought something was up, I would ask to have a look through it and explain why.

Passwords wise, they are allowed to have passwords (friends get their phone and put stupid statements on various sm accounts other wise), but they need to unlock their phone when asked.

You don’t have to go through their phone every night, and go all heavy handed (because that leads to secret phones or deleting history, 2nd social media accounts) but they do need to know that you have the right to spot check their phone if you think something is up.

@Fi3ldTrip so because a child might delete stuff you shouldn't bother at all?

You can be the most perfect parent and have the most open and honest relationship in the world with the most square kid going, but kids still do stupid shit and sometimes they don't even think it's that stupid. Or it starts off as nothing, then gets quite deep before they realise then they feel they can't tell anyone, or perhaps don't even think they need to because they have it under control.

Kids views of risk are very different to an adults view of risk. They may not even particularly consider some activities as worrying or dangerous.

It is possible to build a trusting relationship with your children AND check internet use. Just like any other parenting situation, you let them do things independently over time so you can guide them.

I think though teenagers are very vulnerable to the potential evils on the internet - particularly teenager girls - it's fine to check on their welfare by checking their phone.
What I would worry about is controlling parents using internet evils as an excuse to interfere unnecessarily in their teenagers lives. If there been phones when I was a teenager my mum would've gone through every message to my friends, every app, she's have been horrendous. She was very controlling under the guise of being "protective"

@Fi3ldTrip as for 'signs', yes, there probably are.
But those signs are likely only to appear once the bad shit has happened

None of that has anything to do with the point that poster was making @Fi3ldTrip.

They said that in order to be in any danger a teenager has to leave the house, which is absolute bullshit, and what my post was in response to.

I disagree. I pay the bills. The kids are aware I go through the phones. They accept that. If I don't have access to the phone they lose it.

I disagree.
I check my 13 year old's phone occasionally as he knows he should be comfortable with anything that is written being read by anyone....
I no longer check my 16 year old's phone and haven't for around a year or more.
Neither have their phones in their room overnight.