I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

@Fi3ldTrip

You're just full of contradictions, you say your kids are open and honest and suchlike. But then go onto say that you don't trust them not to have secret accounts and hide things from you.

You can't stop a kid making a secret account. But they will often do that because there's a lack of openness or honesty with the parent-child relationship.

YOU have yet to explain why you think your method of zero monitoring is better than the advice if experts dealing with the devastating consequences of teens with unmonitored access.

You sound like one if those people who say things like 'I know a person who wasn't wearing a seatbelt, they were in a car accident and the fireman said "if you'd worn a seatbelt, you'd be dead Mate", so now I don't bother with my seatbelt'

We built the relationship from the beginning of having a phone. So there is no strop or shouting or hassle in checking it as their parent. I rarely do, they're y7 and y9, but I have done.

I've seen students I teach online at 3am (I've had work submitted at 3am) and this in a 13 year old is a welfare check. I've overheard students talking about what they're doing behind parents backs, and seen some of the stuff on their tik tok, Snapchat, messages. It's not the same world it was when we were 13.

My two have to have their phones charged downstairs of a night. Because it gives them a break. I'll be in the front room and their phones are still going mad from group chats at 11pm or 1am. They need a break from that.

I think it’s a pointless activity (unless your kid isn’t that bright) that shows distrust tbh, if your kid knows you check their phone and they’re smart they will delete messages and content or create different accounts etc., it’s very easily done. We only had a shared computer in our house growing up as no smart phones or tablets existed, which was checked periodically by my parents, didn’t stop me accessing all kinds of things I shouldn’t on the Internet, I just deleted the history and they never knew.

Surely it depends on the individual child involved. You sound like you were very sensible as a teenager OP, and your parents approach worked for you, which is great. That doesn't mean that would be right for everyone else. When you consider what is out there on the internet, and accessible to anyone, some level of supervision is essential. Letting young teenagers access the internet without any supervision, is like letting them roam the streets all night.

Genuinely worries me that a parent can actually think this.
Same, but we also have parents on this thread who think they're such awesome parents that nothing would happen to their child, that their child isn't in the right demographic to be at risk online.

There's also all sorts of rubbish on here about safeguarding where people shouldn't report concerns and should instead approach a parent they don't know directly to ask if they can help, or start intervening with the child themselves because it's horrible to call social services. There's also been threads complaining about school staff for raising concerns in line with safeguarding policy and a worrying number of posters said that the OP was right to be annoyed at school.

Safeguarding on Mumsnet is a bizarre topic.

I find this thread frustrating.

There is a difference between checking up on your child's activity if you don't trust them and checking your child's activity to guide them through using the Internet and SM and understanding the difference between acceptable use and interactions.

This is about protecting your child not policing them, and that distinction is made through how you approach it from the outset. Kids do not always understand the intricacies of right and wrong. Do bullies always know they are bullies? Do the bullied always know they are being bullied?

So they might not like it. But kids don't really like their parents guiding them on anything because they only know what they know.

BTW, im not talking about a daily review. I'm talking about a quick randomised check in, ignoring the stuff that is within the bounds of acceptable that parents won't like to see, and looking for anything that is a risk that perhaps the teen hasn't identified themselves.

I find it fascinating that people like Fi3ldTrip track their kids location in real-life. They know where they are, who they're with and more or less what they're doing (in town with Charlie having coffee) but have no idea where they "are" online, who they're meeting or what they're doing 🤷

The scenarios are getting wilder by the minute. In the home or outside the home, it’s monitoring your child’s physical and emotional well being that counts. Not snooping their phone. Every human needs privacy. And if you withhold that human right from your child, they will create a double life to fulfill the need to have some part of their existence that is private. They will have secret accounts, and if things go wrong, they will be less likely to tell you about it because they know you will be angry and upset that they disobeyed your rules.

I’ve gotten 3 of 4 DCs to adulthood safely this way. I’m not naive, I’m experienced. Yes, we’ve had cyberbullying, internet stalking, and scammers. But because I never prohibited them from Instagram, FB, snapchat, etsy, eBay or any site they were quick to come to me or my DH when things started happening that made them feel uncomfortable. We had constant communication with them and fostered a climate of voluntary transparency and support. We helped them deal with all these issues early on, successfully and without judgement. The result now are 3 adults who are confident, stable, and well prepared for anything online can throw at them.

It's not the same world it was when we were 13
It sure isn't. At 13, I was going and knocking on people's door, asking any jobs (shopping, walking dogs) I could do for pocket money, going in without knowing them, my parents having no clue where I was, no phone to check. It was normal activities at 13 and certainly more risky than the virtual world.

I agree that it is sad to see so many parents seeming unable to discuss important matter with their kids because of wanting to protect them, yet feeling the need to check their activities because of not trusting they are up to no good.

It came naturally to me like it did to my parents to discuss any kind of matters to my kids from a very young age. It wasn't able hiding things from them to protect them, but use appropriate language so they understood without bringing up anxiety.

It worked as both were always deemed very mature for their age and never engaged in any concerning activities. I never had to worry that they would although I always kept an eye for a change in behaviour just in case.

Disagree.

@plan

I agree, I think people are being incredibly naive if they believe that they see everything their kids are doing online and that nothing is being hidden from them. That might be true for an 8 year old, but certainly not for an intelligent 14 year old who knows their mum checks their phone. Messages pictures and chats are very easily deleted, as is internet search history, secret social media accounts can be created, anyone with even very basic IT skills knows how to do this. I think past a certain age doing spot checks is completely pointless and just encourages your kids to hide things, by all means if you’re concerned about their behaviour and you don’t normally check their devices I would say you are completely justified in checking and it’s a good idea, but this whole “my kids know I check their devices, they hand them over to me and I go through everything so I can keep them safe” is deluded and naive if we’re talking about any intelligent child over the age of about 10/11.

This is coming from someone whose mum and dad checked their internet usage from the age of 10, and it didn’t stop me accessing anything, I just deleted my history, deleted my chat logs etc. Knowing they did these checks just made me hide things rather than not do them.

Nobody is saying "snoop", just periodically checking who your kids are communicating with,.... Just as you might ask "oh, who's that?" When your CHILD says they're meeting Alfie at the cinema, and you've never heard them mention Alfie before.

Nobody denies that kids will hide things. Of course they will, and nobody is saying they won't....BUT THAT DOESN'T ABSOLVE YOU OF BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILD'S WELLBEING ONLINE.

If you think you will be able to sit in an office with the safeguarding lead or police officer, and be told that your child was sexually abused online. And you can HAND ON HEART sit there and go, well I "didn't want to I snoop" and feel absolutely clear in your conscience, and not have any thoughts of 'maybe I could have checked just one time'.... Then great, bully for you.l, have a gold star.

Abd @Elsiebear90 you are being incredibly naive if you think we are ONLY checking phones and going "well, nothing to see here!"

It's is, as mentioned many times, one of a few things to keep our children safe from harm.

But obviously you know better than the experts that deal with the horrific consequences of teens with unmonitored internet access 👍

@PlanDeRaccordement sure, the scenarios may seem wild to you, but I assure you, for many they are not. I'm sure that brings you feelings of superiority

It's some weird logic that if you check phones, kids will hide their conversations, but if you don't check the phones, they'll just volunteer information

And we know first hand, that kids will actually sometimes tell you through their phone/tablet that something is wrong. We've had incidents where children deliver leave a message for you to find. Because they're too scared to tell anyone face to face.

But no, Elsie, Field and the like....they know better...

Building good relationships, respect,security, trust and keeping discussion open will prove to be far more beneficial
Children absolutely want to know the boundaries, and to know they are being kept safe. Part of developing that trust is to say “there’s all manner of stuff out there - some of it great, some of it really difficult and dangerous. I’m not going to make you pick your way through that alone. I know you’ll tell me if you’re worried, and I’m going to have a look myself sometimes to make sure everything is ok.”

Teens crave privacy.
They also very much crave security.

They also need a huge amount of education and support to be able to deal with any of the above which is far more important
Which includes knowing your parent/carer isn’t just assuming you know how to deal with the dangerous bits alone.

Still waiting for advice on how to monitor teen phones when they are resorting to sneaky behaviour due to invasions of privacy
See above. The open honesty will help enormously in stopping teens needing to do this.

How do you access conversations/ activity that are on platforms that disappear, on a decoy phone/ device or have been deleted?
See above.

I’m a safeguarding lead - I’ve had countless teens showing me stuff on their phones that have scared/worried them. Some where it’s lead to some really serious child protection concerns. Every single time, they’ve wanted me to broker a conversation between them and a parent/carer - because they didn’t know how, because their parent/carer didn’t have an open relationship with them and didn’t insist on no secrecy around phones. It’s always hugely distressing for everyone.

I’ve also had many parent/carers coming to me with stuff they have found/been shown on their child’s phone. The support for those children is already there.

If you think you will be able to sit in an office with the safeguarding lead or police officer, and be told that your child was sexually abused online. And you can HAND ON HEART sit there and go, well I "didn't want to I snoop" and feel absolutely clear in your conscience, and not have any thoughts of 'maybe I could have checked just one time'.... Then great, bully for you.l, have a gold star.
Well said.

SmileEachDay
All that experience doesn't count for anything, after all some posters have decided that online issues don't happen to children like theirs because their kids are the wrong demographic.

... because their kids are the wrong demographic. 🤯

smile
My thoughts entirely. Apparently having good grades, square friends, and shocked at the thought of some things online rule out issues online and potential grooming.

I’m well aware of grooming gangs and the type of girls that are targeted. My dd does not fit that demographic and is pretty low risk.
🙄
Which let's be honest translates to some fairly unpleasant assumptions about the 'types' of girls that are groomed.

It would be interesting to find out which posters on this thread are safeguarding trained and which aren't.

Naturally

Children being the wrong demographic to be a target for groomers is about as believable as a school that claims to never, ever have any bullying

Sageandroses
“I'm sure that brings you feelings of superiority”
What can you mean? You and other PPs are the ones telling we parents who do not snoop our kids phones that we are neglectful, naive, stupid, ignorant, uncaring, irresponsible. The superiority feelings are all with your camp of opinion on this issue.

Because you obviously feel you have the perfect, safe little set up in your house where no danger can permeate. You've said so yourself upthread that you don't think your children are in danger unless they leave the house @PlanDeRaccordement

Some of us know better. Some of us work in situations where we can see firsthand that children from all different kinds of backgrounds - not just the ones you'd 'expect' - are not safe in their own homes, often due to online activity. Even if they never meet actual physical danger, the long-term mental effects can be catastrophic.

Your posts of 'my child is not in danger in my house' - and other posters 'my child doesn't fall into the demographic' - your posts just smack of superiority, of 'this would never happen in my family'

So much education is still needed

The internet is dangerous, and teenagers can be naive ( I was!). When my DD got a phone it was on the premise that I had access to her activity and she could only use it for certain things, have certain apps etc. Not because I don't trust her or we don't have an open relationship but because doing it together is how she'll learn to protect herself. I'm her safety net. We talk about the reality of what can happen on the internet, and how people can be other than what they seem. Just like I taught her to cross the road safely, she has to learn to navigate the digital world and avoid undesirable experiences. She also has to learn that undesirable content is there and she may be exposed to it, but if this happens, she knows what to do.

For what it's worth DD doesn't see it as an ''invasion'' of her privacy that I look through her phone from time to time. Like she said, I don't have anything to hide....

She also knows that if she breaks any of the rules, the phone will be removed immediately.

There internet doesn't discriminate, if you're on it, you're at risk. Only those who have no access to internet / devices are safe. Better to teach out children to navigate it safely. I couldn't in good conscience give a child a phone and not monitor their usage. I'd never forgive myself if something happened.

@00100001 erm did I say it was the only thing anyone was doing? I should certainly hope it isn’t. I said I think over a certain age regular checks are pointless because if they want to hide things they know you won’t approve of they will, that’s what teenagers do.

If you acknowledge that regular checks might make your teen hide things then why do them? If it makes you feel like you’re keeping them safe then by all means carry on, but surely it’s common sense regardless of what “experts” on here are saying, that if you keep invading your teenager’s privacy (and that’s what it is if you’re reading private conversations they’re having with their friends or bf/gfs, regardless of your motives) they’re going to start hiding things as most 13+ year olds don’t want their mums reading all their messages and seeing everything they’re looking at online.