To not want to move to Wales?

[dgarcia85]

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

@MikeUniformMike take a look at my post of 17.25 (and the rest of the thread).

There are plenty of anti-welsh xenophobes on this thread. I'm not one of them.

thedancingbear glad I have given you so much fun and a great laugh.

Olivers - I’m so sorry to read about your DH and the appointment situation. It must be incredibly stressful.

Anyway, what difference would it make even if Olivers was “flipping” properties as we speak? She’s hardly trying to push one if her properties into the OP is she?

It may well be a good time to take out a mortgage in London if you’re a bit clever about the area. Interest rates can’t get much lower. It’s a different market in London to the rest of the UK. We bought a house in 2007 going into the 2008 recession. It more than doubled in value in a year and even through the recession, prices held. Where else does that happen? We’ve got a few properties tbh that are coming up for sale / rental and it’s possibly a buyer’s market at the moment. Yes we are facing a recession but chances are house prices will bounce back in certain areas. I don’t think it’s bad advice. The OP is mid thirties. When is the right time?

Nought wrong with doing up properties and selling them, a lot in the area of London I looked at were absolutely gross state, they had trouble shifting them as evidently no one could be arsed to do it up. Someone else having the patience and time to bother and selling is good really.

OP, obviously you’re not going to give up your job to move in with his parents, are you? In your 30s I wouldn’t even entertain the discussion.

Moving to Bristol or Cardiff could be a plan for the future. See how you feel when you have a baby. But for now, you need a flat with reasonable access to work, by the sound of it.

If I were you, I’d go for location over size every time. Have you considered coming a bit west. I don’t know Croydon too well, but I do know Wimbledon, Richmond way reasonably well. Property in these places holds its value in general. What about somewhere like Raynes Park, Merton, Motspur Park etc? Its so close to Wimbledon but considerably cheaper. Your commute would’nt be too bad, but your DH might find his feet and settle more because SW London is a lot greener than SE and a bit more child-friendly? There’s all the parks and the towpath down the Thames - you can walk for miles and miles and it’s beautiful. You might be surprised what you can find for your money. Buy a small flat in a good area, wait for it to go up and then consider upsizing to Bristol etc? Just an idea?

Anyway, what difference would it make even if Olivers was “flipping” properties as we speak?

As you ask the question, I'll answer. If hypothetically someone were flipping properties now, or attempting to, their profits would be potentially at risk because of the fall in sales numbers due to the pandemic and the coming economic shitstorm. Particularly if they were at the non-premium end of the market. They would have a very strong vested interest in people continuing to buy property, particularly at pre-pandemic prices.

Your children will have more opportunity in the south east. I do dream of living in the countryside but I think the reality is much different especially if you are used to city living

sorry to hear that @Oliversmumsarmy. I hope things work out for you.

He's 32.
He's been with you for 5 years.
Until meeting you, at 27, he was content to live with his parents and do an admin job.
It took him more than 4 years after meeting you (when he was 31) to decide that he wanted to do IT.
It's now going to take him 6 years to qualify, so he'll be 37-38?

You have already nearly halved your earning power because of him:
"I was working at a law firm long hours often getting home 11pm or later and earning £60K. He was unhappy with the hours I worked so I agreed to look for something with better hours and accepted the council job earning 35K."
And now he wants you to compromise your career even more by moving away from London - not to another city like Birmingham or Manchester or Bristol where you might have some opportunities, but to a small town in Wales.

Basically he wants to move back in with his parents, where he was happy for 27 years of his life, and he wants you to fit in with that.

I wouldn't do that in a million years. I don't think you're even compatible. I understand that you love him, and at 35 your biological clock is ticking, but I don't think those are good enough reasons to stay with him. Your life goals are too different.

Also...
"She’s always treated me with kindness but the last time I was there she did say I was being unreasonable and that she can’t understand why I won’t move to Wales and move in with them until we have jobs because ‘family is most important thing’"
Be careful. Be very very careful. Marrying a mummy's boy can be a recipe for disaster if he's not willing to cut the apron strings. It will be him and mummy against you.

"The only other option is him doing the degree full-time to get done quicker but I don’t want that I think it’s important for him to contribute however little."
I have to say it does seem crazy to drag it out over 6 years while he's only doing a low paid part time admin job. It would make more financial sense for him to do the IT degree as quickly as possible and then hopefully get a better paid full time job at the end of it. There are plenty of students doing full time courses and part time jobs on top. What's to stop him doing that? Even if the job is just a few hours at evening/weekend? But then he didn't want you working long hours, did he, so he won't want to do that either.

If he actually doesn't care about his career and wants to be a SAHD, then the IT degree is basically just a hobby. And you'll need to live where you can earn enough to support the whole family.

We were offered a £240k mortgage with our bank. We haven’t had a chance to check out other mortgage providers yet but we will. I have not so far seen any 2 beds in decent areas within reasonable commuting distance from my work within budget but again will keep looking. I’m a bit wary of taking out a substantial mortgage at the moment bearing in mind the current climate and our circumstances. The more I read this thread the more disheartened I feel. I feel like I’m just going to end back up in law working all the hours god sends while OH gets to stay home and look after our kids from about the 6 month mark as I won’t be able to afford to take my full maternity leave. This is just depressing now.

All I can focus on right now is rising up the ladder in my current role while keeping an eye out for similar opportunities in Bristol or Cardiff and hopefully buying there. Or accept that I’m just another London millennial will never be able to afford to buy.

Sorry, I know you all are trying to help. I have read every single message and your advice is very much appreciated.

Are you the OP posting with a different username?

@AnotherEmma yes I changed my username

There are plenty of students doing full time courses and part time jobs on top. What's to stop him doing that?
We are just about living ok on our combined full time incomes now. If he goes to p/t it will be a struggle especially if we go ahead with TTC.

Don't be disheartened, we are living in very, very unusual times and it sounds as though you at least have a plan now, based on all the advice here - and whatever you choose, you're going into it with your eyes open.

You sound very capable and hard-working - that will bring its rewards. There's never an ideal time to have a baby and you're giving more thought to it than many of us as to how you'd provide for and bring up that child.

MN loves the doom and gloom, don't be disheartened and certainly don't listen to people slagging off your partner and relationship when they only have a small snippet of your life. I think it's really sensible to have job alerts for Cardiff and Bristol and I really do think one of those would be a great compromise for you. Everyone I know who lives in Bristol absolutely raves about it, and I loved the years I spent in Cardiff.

I know my partiality is going to show here but I lived in Bristol for six years and now I live abroad for personal reasons but if my husband and I ever move to the UK we would both move to Bristol in a heartbeat.

My brother feels the same way about Cardiff (and did move back there).

Even if he would consider Cardiff (which I like a lot) nice areas there aren’t cheap, we live in Bath so go quite often , but I was nosying in Cardiff estate agents and have to say that any area I liked looked almost as much money wise as Bath. The idea it’s all cheap as chips isn’t correct, some places are yes, but maybe not quite what you had in mind. I thought it was pretty rough at night too, much better in the day. If you did decide to move maybe somewhere like Whitchurch would suit, nice area, handy for motorway but on the edge of Cardiff. None of his idea works unless you both have decent paying jobs . I think personally you would be better where you are and buying a part buy and build up equity over time. If you could afford to buy in wales then you can afford to ‘part buy’ in Croydon.

What about this? - it’s walking distance from Wimbledon Village which will never lose value. One of the most desirable areas of South London. Fantastic area to have a baby. Safe and literally everything within walking distance. You would never be isolated or bored with a baby. Rain or shine, you can just walk out your door and it’s all there on on your doorstep, Fantastic shops and cafes all around. Ground floor for buggy and outside space. Wimbledon Common on your doorstep, Kingston in the other side for all the larger shops, but you’ve got all the boutiques in the village too. Commute to work wouldn’t be too bad and probably worth it. I think there is a tram that connects Wimbledon to Croydon? You could get a fixed mortgage for something like this at a super-low interest rate. Put in a low offer because now is the time. Sit through the recession and then cash in and use you profits to upsize for the second baby or head to the SW.

No I do not own this flat and I’m not selling it! Just thought I’d see what you can get round there these days.

Thanks all!

Thanks @monkeycats looks nice will have a look and look into that area some more as well :)

Apologies if this has been said already OP but just bear in mind that if you go back to work and he stays at home, he will be DC's primary carer so in a stronger position to have DC most of the time if you split up. If that happens and you are living in Wales, you are going to be stuck there unless you are prepared to leave without DC.

If he finishes his degree and then takes a few years off to stay at home with kids, he risks finding it difficult to find employment

OP said they're TTC now, so this may not be the timescale at all given his suggestion of being a SAHD
She's not said who's funding his OU studies (?) but if it was hard to continue them on one wage that's where "moving in with mum" may raise it's head again - after all it was his original suggestion, and IME it can be hard for folk to move away from these mindsets

Personally I wouldn't even consider TTC in these circumstances, but OP's made it clear that this is a major driver for her and of course it's their decision to make. I sincerely hope, though, that she doesn't come to regret it

Will your Dp actually be satisfied that you moved to Bristol or after you have moved there and Bristol has become your new normal will he make the “reasonable” request to move to Cardiff and then Abercarn is only up the road why not move there.
In 10 years time will you look back on your life and find it looks nothing like how you planned.

You seem to have come to the UK and really made yourself a life here. A high paying job, (I know you were working insane hours) savings etc but your Achilles heel seems to be your dh who seems to snap his fingers and you jump and start to rearrange your life to fit in with his requests. He knows he can wear you down and get you to do anything and go anywhere.
He has his agenda and it doesn’t take account of you and what you may want.

Did I read you are even learning Welsh.

I get at 35 your biological clock is ticking but please take some time to think what is good for you and how you want your life to pan out.
Would you have even thought about moving to Wales if he wasn’t in the picture.

I have a lot of BAME friends and none would move out of London

Your dh might be lovely but he is a drifter and worse he is a drifter with a plan.
I don’t know how the OU works but I can hazard a guess it is costing you and will continue to cost you for the next few years and beyond (is that why you are getting a lesser mortgage)
Yet it is looking more and more likely that he will never use this degree and is using it atm as an excuse of why he can’t get a f/t job

You as main breadwinner should be the one who shouldn’t be compromising your salary and work.

You talk about him contributing but all I see is someone who is playing around and doing the bare minimum.

6 years to do an IT course. By the time he finishes more than half the content will be obsolete.

Open university degrees I always thought were there for those people who had full time jobs and they could study in the evenings and at weekends

I have looked on Rightmove and even at your lesser mortgage there are some really nice 2 and 3 bedroom flats and at the higher mortgage you could get a house.

I had 4 DC OP and my DH was often away with work and / or worked super long hours but I never struggled that much because of living in an area not unlike Wimbledon Village. I never had to have all the hassle of getting screaming kids in car seats and driving down bloody lanes to some play group or whatnot. Even on the most stressful day, I could just walk out with them and go to a lovely coffee shop or whatever. Things like this are sooo important with kids. It’s pram-jam in SW London so you meet so many other mums and you always bump into people in the street and just go from there. It’s safe and less edgy than where you are now.

Also that area has great schools -some if the best in the UK state & Independent - eg Tiffin or Kings Wimbledon. 95% A*-A GCSE.

You just go over the hill and you’re in Putney for more shops, lovely brunch places, bars, river walks dtc. Cross over the bridge to Fulham and then you’re soon on the Kings Rd or High St Ken. Nothing Hill and Portobello etc are easy to get to. The Westfield is an easy drive. Wimbledon Common flows into Richmond Park where there’s deer and yellow parakeets. You can get lost in there. It’s a great corner of London! You can never discover it all!