To think he should've bloody told me?

[Apirateslifeforme]

I've been advised to shield, yet my dad has needed help, I've tried to minimise the risks.
I've had to say no I cant do a lot of things hes asked because they're purely for his convenience.

Hes had an issue which has meant hes been in hospital for almost a month. I have done more than I should have in the circumstances. I've left myself quite vulnerable but it's been the only way to ensure his needs have been met.

Hes had a terrible cough, but excused this as a cough caused by not smoking like he usually would...seems reasonable.

So he called me yesterday and said that he would be allowed to go home, and he wanted me to collect him.

I said no, but only because I was going to put his bedding on, and make my first trip to the shops since lockdown for his food.

Its taken so long to do his bedding because I've had to wash it 4 times because it was disgusting, he hasn't washed it once since he got it last August and his home is in such a state it makes me unwell (I have severe asthma, an allergy to dust and mould too- all of which he has in an abundance)
So I'd decided if I could double up a bed trip and a shopping trip together.

I see him, from a distance, coughing away. I mention the cough again. Ask if hes ok otherwise before I head out.

Today in phone conversation, he tells me that in hospital, 3 other people in his bay were diagnosed with Covid. Apparently 2 were either side of his bed, but not to worry. He had a covid test right away, and it was negative he says, and they'll test me again when I have another check up because it can take time to show up.

So here I am, risking my health to ensure my dads cared for knowing each time I go in his home that I risk needing even more steroids or another chest infection, but resigning myself to the fact that he has no one else. FWIW he is unwell, but doesnt meet the exceptionally clinically vulnerable criteria.

He knows that the chances are, if I caught COVID19 I'd probably die, yet he has possibly been exposed to it, and didnt tell me, but expected me to go and fucking collect him in my tiny little car and take him home.

I dint want to be that mumsnet cliche, but I'm fuming. How fucking dare he?

I have OCD and I have been so careful, and I'm kicking myself because by doing something that I thought was kind, I may have just killed myself off, what about my daughter? What about my husband?

How the fuck can he do that to his daughter?

I would leave him to sort himself out from now on. He sounds very selfish.

@Beermoney thank you, I dont think I have any choice about that one now.
Hes made me see that he doesnt really give a shit about me, my health or my daughters health.

Quite simply put, he doesnt give a fuck about anyone but himself. Seething that he knew he had been between two people with Covid19, but the test that was done on him on the same day came back negative, so thought, Ah i'll ask pirate the soft touch to take me home.

He may well need to think about getting a carer for himself as I dont think I'll have much to do with him after this.

Purely calculated the easiest choice for him again. Regardless of damage he does

FFS. No you,re not being unreasonable. It sounds like he needs a carer and a cleaner at least if his home is in such a bad state. Presumably it's been like that for quite some time.

He should not have put you at risk, not for one minute.

Stop going round or going anywhere for him. Ring your shielding helpline and ask what they would advise about getting help for him. And remember in future that you can't trust what he tells you.

I have to be honest and say I spend as little time there as possible, and this has been the way it has been for years. Since DD was about 7 I've always had to take her to a toilet on the way, and also have a drink there because both the toilet and kitchen are an absolute state.
Within the past 3 years or so if we have to step into his home, we generally go home, spray the car with air freshener and shower straight away. Hes quite stubborn and said that absolutely no way would he get a cleaner or a carer, which meant that I decided it was a choice for him to continue that way, and I didnt need to expose me or DD to it.

So if he gets in my car or comes to my house and DD isnt there, she will say, Grandad has been here, i can smell him which I know sounds terrible but it's a really pungent smell.

I spent hours clearing his kitchen and his bedroom. He had half finished roll ups in his bedding which concerns me he may have fallen asleep with in his hands.

I hoped when the paramedics came to pick him up when he went to hospital that they would make a referral to adult social services because the state hes been living in.
He pisses in mugs and leaves them beside his bed on the table.
I'm sorry this is turning into a tangent. He wasnt around during my childhood. He never took care of me. Has never helped me then I end up caring for him.

I'm sorry. I'm just babbling now. I'm so hurt and angry.

I shouldnt have put myself out, and I wont now, knowing the selfish fuck would quite literally kill me to save a fiver in a taxi.

OP, your posts are like reading about my FIL! He was exactly the same - living in complete and utter filth, he would absolutely stink because he was too lazy to bath or shower, his clothes would always reek because he wouldn’t wash them on a hot enough wash, he would piss in a bucket because he couldn’t be arsed to go to the bathroom... In the end he was assessed by Social Services and had Carers going in to him 3 times a day. It didn’t change him as such, he still wouldn’t shower so they gave him a strip wash (which he still moaned about!) but they did keep the house reasonably clean and did his washing etc. Unfortunately he ended up declining and died shortly after being transferred to a care home (he had a lot of chronic diseases which were exacerbated by his self imposed lifestyle).

In your situation I would get him referred to Social Services whether he likes it or not - you cannot continue to put yourself and your family at risk. If he refuses their help then you’ll know you’ve done everything you could do to help him. Some people just cannot be helped!

Isn't there something about if you are on a plane and there's a drama and the oxygen masks come down you should always put your own on first before helping others (even your children) with theirs?

This is no different, you need to keep yourself safe so that you can then carry on looking after your other family members.

Surely if his house is in such a terrible state Social Services should already be involved? If they aren't it is well beyond time that they are.

Also, depending on what he was in hospital for, a home check to see if he could safely return straight from hospital to home could be necessary?

Protect yourself OP, it's time for you to put your own airline oxygen mask on and leave him to sort his own out like a big boy!

He sounds disgusting. I've known men like this through work and it came as no surprise when you said you aren't close and he was an absent and selfish father.

YANBU, focus on yourself and your family. You have already given him more than he deserves.

Can you not do a referral yourself to SS ? Has he told the hospital that he's on his own at home ?

You need to look after yourself

Ok you sound stressed. The point is he was tested negative for covid and has told you, so you are fine to take him home. He obviously needs help managing so you could pass this on get the hospital to do a social services referral or do it yourself. Why rely on others to do so that is negligent.

@june2007 he was told he needed another test because it can take time to show up. He should have told the OP this before asking for a lift home!

You need to put yourself and your DC first, I wouldn't be doing anything else for him if I was you.

june2007 the OP isn't being negligent, as you seem to imply. And did you miss the bit in the OP where she wrote "He had a covid test right away, and it was negative he says, and they'll test me again when I have another check up because it can take time to show up."?

OP's dad could still have the virus, and as OP is at risk, she should now stay away from him. He's a selfish fucker.

@june2007

Eh? Have you read the original post at all? OP has her own serious health issues and this ghastly man child is giving zero shits about her.

A negative Covid 19 test right this minute is worthless a minute later by the way - even more so when the patient is still in the same environment so maybe best educate yourself a bit there?

And of course the OP is stressed, her utterly bloody father is playing Russian Roulette with her life and doesn't seem to give a stuff about it!

He sounds awful., OP.
But I cannot understand why, if you, vulnerable as you are, were collecting him from a hospital, knowing about Covid19, didn't wear gloves and a mask.
Definitely get Social Services onboard.

@ladyeloise I didnt collect him from hospital, I said no, luckily because I was aware of the fact that anywhere in my car he couldn't be 2m away from me, and I couldn't be certain that I'd get disinfectant everywhere hes touched. When he went into hospital I even made sure that he had cash for a taxi. I personally do not go anywhere without gloves. It's the point in the whole situation.

He called demanding a lift home and I said no. My point is that he didnt tell me that he needed to be retested for Covid19 or that his bed was between two patients found to have covid. We have spoken at length about the risks to me because of my health. In his situation, if my daughter needed to buy me shopping and sort my bed out for me, regardless of risk factors, I would be saying, thank you for doing that for me, I appreciate it but i need you to leave before i come back because I've got to be retested for covid in the future. Not demanding she comes to pick me up.

Sorry I'm really not trying to come across as annoyed at you, I'm just annoyed at this situation.

Did you actually see him OP?

It reads as though you went to his house / cleaned / shopped for him but only saw him from a distance? Or did I misunderstand?

In any event, he needs proper help and assistance going forwards.

Oh right, your issue is that he would have knowingly put you at risk, has you collected him.

That is terrible on his part.

He is being really horrible to you and treating you terribly.
Stay away from him and concentrate on your family - your DH and DDaughter.
And stay annoyed, that way you won't give in!

I agree with others, look into care he might be entitled to or if he is fairly well off would be pay for a cleaner? It's difficult if he's stubborn and set in his ways but try to be forceful on this- he needs outside help because you cannot take it all on yourself.
Of course you're feeling unappreciated. It's bloody hurtful that he's so selfish.

Try not to be overly anxious, you say you have OCD so you may be panicking. You say he has a cough. That will not be a symptom of CV if he's tested negative.

I don't really understand this in doing something kind, I may well have killed myself off You haven't been in contact with your dad? Or have you visited him in hospital? Cleaning his home wouldn't put you at risk of CV. Or do you mean that you risked a shopping trip to help him?

@Crunchymum I saw him from a distance as he was brought home whilst I was putting his bedding back on his bed, and I had to put the shopping away.

Yes, sorry that is my issue though. He omitted details that would have been quite important to know.

He will have to get some support, considering all of the above, plus hes gone home and stopped taking the medication he was started on in hospital.
It feels quite spiteful, but I'm just going to have to refer him to social services myself. I'd hoped that they would have done so after the paramedics saw the way he lived, or after the professionals in the hospital knew the details of his situation ( dont want to put too much information because I'm fairly certain he could be identified fairly easily by people who know him) and I hoped they'd know how to get him the help he really needs instead of me doing it and messing it up, and just pissing him off in the process. I know he will be aggressive when anyone tries to intervene.

@pussycatinboots thank you, I intend on doing this from now on. Thank you

It sounds really difficult. Is there something else going on, is he an alcoholic? Unfortunately it is difficult to access help from social services, like most services they are woefully underfunded. If he is completely against it then obviously no one can force him to have home help. I mean, he has to let them in and co operate.

How selfish! Sounds from your updates that you don't owe him a damn thing so refer him to social services and retract your services.

It feels quite spiteful, but I'm just going to have to refer him to social services myself.

It's not spiteful at all, you can't do the stuff you feel he needs because of your health, so he needs help from services.

What do you think he needs help with? You say his sheets were skanky, and he stopped taking the pills he was prescribed. Anything else?

The bar before services will give people support is very high and a lot of people aren't given any unfortunately. You could have a go though.

Could you/he afford to pay for a carer/agency care to go in? It wouldn't be a massive amount, depending on what you/he think he needs.

Sadly you can't make someone accept help if they don't want it, except in very extreme circumstances.