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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should've bloody told me?

93 replies

Apirateslifeforme · 07/05/2020 11:32

I've been advised to shield, yet my dad has needed help, I've tried to minimise the risks.
I've had to say no I cant do a lot of things hes asked because they're purely for his convenience.

Hes had an issue which has meant hes been in hospital for almost a month. I have done more than I should have in the circumstances. I've left myself quite vulnerable but it's been the only way to ensure his needs have been met.

Hes had a terrible cough, but excused this as a cough caused by not smoking like he usually would...seems reasonable.

So he called me yesterday and said that he would be allowed to go home, and he wanted me to collect him.

I said no, but only because I was going to put his bedding on, and make my first trip to the shops since lockdown for his food.

Its taken so long to do his bedding because I've had to wash it 4 times because it was disgusting, he hasn't washed it once since he got it last August and his home is in such a state it makes me unwell (I have severe asthma, an allergy to dust and mould too- all of which he has in an abundance)
So I'd decided if I could double up a bed trip and a shopping trip together.

I see him, from a distance, coughing away. I mention the cough again. Ask if hes ok otherwise before I head out.

Today in phone conversation, he tells me that in hospital, 3 other people in his bay were diagnosed with Covid. Apparently 2 were either side of his bed, but not to worry. He had a covid test right away, and it was negative he says, and they'll test me again when I have another check up because it can take time to show up.

So here I am, risking my health to ensure my dads cared for knowing each time I go in his home that I risk needing even more steroids or another chest infection, but resigning myself to the fact that he has no one else. FWIW he is unwell, but doesnt meet the exceptionally clinically vulnerable criteria.

He knows that the chances are, if I caught COVID19 I'd probably die, yet he has possibly been exposed to it, and didnt tell me, but expected me to go and fucking collect him in my tiny little car and take him home.

I dint want to be that mumsnet cliche, but I'm fuming. How fucking dare he?

I have OCD and I have been so careful, and I'm kicking myself because by doing something that I thought was kind, I may have just killed myself off, what about my daughter? What about my husband?

How the fuck can he do that to his daughter?

OP posts:
june2007 · 07/05/2020 20:20

Refering him to SS isn,t spitful it,s caring for him.

longtompot · 07/05/2020 20:21

Oh op, you are describing my fil :( The smell is just awful and I can't go in his house, and he's only been there 8 months.

Anyway, no you are not wrong thinking he should have told you. Do what pussycat said and focus on your dh and dd, as he just doesn't seem to care about how you feel or why you would worry.

Beermoney · 07/05/2020 20:26

I don't see why op should pay for cleaners and carers anyway. Its not like he was a doting, kind father who loat his way with self care. He sounds so ungrateful and given up on life. Its kind of you to make an adult social care referral. Id ve inclined to just leave him to it. He is not your problem.
Priority is you and your DD.

Beermoney · 07/05/2020 20:28

Not loat, Who LOST his way

I'd be inclined not ve

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2020 20:36

"Isn't there something about if you are on a plane and there's a drama and the oxygen masks come down you should always put your own on first before helping others (even your children) with theirs?"
Absolutely. And if you've ever done a first aid course you're told that you don't rush in, you first assess if it is safe for you to approach. HE IS NOT SAFE TO APPROACH, so don't.

Contacting Social Services should be all you do here. If he sends them away with a flea in their ear (and I suspect he will) that is his choice. Accept his choice. Accept it's a choice you wouldn't make, but he has made it and that's fine. He's an adult.

What you need to work on is your willingness to endanger yourself. NEVER do that again, not for him. This does not make you a bad daughter, it makes you a sensible daughter. Some people cannot, will not be helped. His is one such person, so stand back and let him get on with it and NEVER endanger yourself again.

User57327259 · 07/05/2020 20:45

Does no-one else think that the hospital are in the wrong to discharge a patient who was in close proximity to two diagnosed coronavirus patients out into the community?
Also does no-one else think that it is wrong for the hospital to discharge a patient to his home when he is clearly not capable of looking after himself?
The hospital are also putting the onus on OP the man's relative and who has significant health problems of her own and has at least one child to care for a man possibly elderly man with multiple conditions when it is likely that she is not trained to care for others. Is this not likely to create a rift in family relations however flimsy?

SmileyClare · 07/05/2020 20:58

The hospital cannot keep a patient in if they've tested negative. It's more likely they are exposing him to unnecessary risk by keeping him in. He is I assume elderly with health issues.

It's also a grey area in terms of how capable he is. The standard is pretty low; is he mobile, can he feed himself and not an immediate danger to himself or others.
The hospital may also be unaware of his daughter's own health issues. They may be unaware he has any help but have judged him fit enough to live alone. It's possible the hospital have suggested services to help him at home and he's refused? At the end of the day, it's his choice to live in squalor and disregard medical advice (in taking medication).

It's not right. It's a sad state of affairs.Sad

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2020 21:02

You need to stop doing all of this. Adult social are will have to look after him. I’d he refuses their help then tough. That’s on him.

It sounds like he never cared for you and still doesn’t so your not losing anything.

You should prioritise your children over dead beat daddy.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/05/2020 21:08

He sounds like my mil. She won't let anyone else help her so my DH and his brothers are emotionally blackmailed to do everything for her. She's double incontinent and very bossy and aggressive, l bailed a year or so ago couldn t put up with her hostility any more . My sil/her other DIL will no longer have anything do with her so now we have a situation where three adult males are regularly having to go round and clean up after she's had an accident and help her into the bath and clean up etc etc. We got carers in once and they ended up just making her tea and toast because she refused to let them help with her cleaning or personal care and they obv. can't force her. So DH and BILs were still having to deal with all the crap ( literally). Very selfish woman putting them in that position and no she hasn't got dementia.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/05/2020 21:10

three adult male sons l meant

LadyEloise · 07/05/2020 21:25

Apirateslifeforme.
Apologies I misread your post and thought you had collected him.
Tell SServices. You can't do it. You owe it to your dc to keep well. You sound very kind and caring.

PapayaCoconut · 07/05/2020 21:36

I cannot understand why, if you, vulnerable as you are, were collecting him from a hospital, knowing about Covid19, didn't wear gloves and a mask.

Where have you seen evidence that gloves and a mask prevent anyone from contracting the virus? Hand washing is just as effective as wearing gloves and masks are recommended for people with symptoms in case they spread the virus when they cough.

Looneytune253 · 07/05/2020 21:48

I understand people are generally worried but what other choice is there? If you are a carer for an elderly relative then you still need to pick them up from hospital covid or not. We can't expect other people to do it. Esp not a taxi driver. Unfortunately we just need to suck it up. Only exception being if YOU are sick it's not worth the risk of infecting a vulnerable relative.

Looneytune253 · 07/05/2020 21:49

Apologies I've just read that you're shielding. That being the case you shouldn't be going out at all. Is there anyone else that can be caring for him? Any other relatives?

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2020 22:25

STOP helping him now. Tell him you cannot put your health at risk and just stop.

Phone the hospital and say he will need assistance to get home and assistance once home, if that is true.

YOU MUST put yourself first here.

Purpleheadgirl · 07/05/2020 22:32

If he can physically manage to get himself dressed he is extremely unlikely to be eligible for carers......but he is vulnerable and not necessarily coping with daily life so you could put in a safeguarding referral yourself which social services have to at least investigate...however they still can't make him accept any help if he has capacity

nobodyimportant · 07/05/2020 22:34

The test produces a lot of false negatives OP. Make sure you stay away from him.

CherryStoneTree · 07/05/2020 22:43

Do not help him one second further, you have permission from all of us not to do any more. He doesn’t care for you. Refer him to SS and step away. If he refuses to wash/accept help then that’s on him.

CherryStoneTree · 07/05/2020 22:45

@june2007 sadly you can test negative and still have covid. Also if he’s left hospital he might be spreading it asymtomatically for 5 days or more. The point is the OP is supposed to be shielding and not even leaving the house or intersecting with those in her house.

Shinesweetfreedom · 07/05/2020 23:12

He probably told the hospital you will run around after him.
I thought you were single without any children at first.
If you die,who will be there for your child.
The selfish cunt was not there for you when you were a child,he knows you are vulnerable health wise and you have a child but still put himself first.Sack the selfish bastard off.

GooseberryJam · 07/05/2020 23:31

It's fairly common for people like this to assure the hospital that their daughter will care for them daily. The hospital team are better off accepting that assurance as it absolves them of arranging anything. Lots of guilt tripped adult children then give in, at their own family's expense.

Riv · 07/05/2020 23:35

I think @shinesweetfreedom has probably got it right. He's told the hospital authorities that his daughter will look after him. The ambulance people will have seen the daughter at the house, or noticed her car and thought that his claims of her help are true so no need to raise any further concern.

Please look after yourself and your household @Apirateslifeforme. From what you say it's just not safe for you to do any more for you father, even in normal times and certainly not in the current covid climate. Do call social services then you know you have done all you can for him. It will be up to them to decide if they can support him and up to him whether he accepts that support.

goldfinchfan · 07/05/2020 23:38

Please do not help him anymore.
Take care of your DD and yourself.

Refer him to Social Services. You have good reasons not to help him
Your DD is your responsibility not him.

I hope you are well. Keep away from him

EmeraldShamrock · 07/05/2020 23:46

He is an arrogant dick. I totally understand your frustration.
Time to say no, contact SS.
I hope you're okay, stay safe. Flowers

User57327259 · 07/05/2020 23:59

@GooseberryJam that is exactly right. Hospitals will use all sorts of emotional blackmail to ensure that a discharge goes ahead.
A call to Social Services will not automatically get OP's father any help. They too are fond of attempting to blackmail adult children (and others) into taking on the care. It could be weeks, maybe as long as 6 weeks in normal times and even longer in the current situation to have a Social Worker even do a visit to assess OP's father.