To think he should've bloody told me?

[Apirateslifeforme]

I've been advised to shield, yet my dad has needed help, I've tried to minimise the risks.
I've had to say no I cant do a lot of things hes asked because they're purely for his convenience.

Hes had an issue which has meant hes been in hospital for almost a month. I have done more than I should have in the circumstances. I've left myself quite vulnerable but it's been the only way to ensure his needs have been met.

Hes had a terrible cough, but excused this as a cough caused by not smoking like he usually would...seems reasonable.

So he called me yesterday and said that he would be allowed to go home, and he wanted me to collect him.

I said no, but only because I was going to put his bedding on, and make my first trip to the shops since lockdown for his food.

Its taken so long to do his bedding because I've had to wash it 4 times because it was disgusting, he hasn't washed it once since he got it last August and his home is in such a state it makes me unwell (I have severe asthma, an allergy to dust and mould too- all of which he has in an abundance)
So I'd decided if I could double up a bed trip and a shopping trip together.

I see him, from a distance, coughing away. I mention the cough again. Ask if hes ok otherwise before I head out.

Today in phone conversation, he tells me that in hospital, 3 other people in his bay were diagnosed with Covid. Apparently 2 were either side of his bed, but not to worry. He had a covid test right away, and it was negative he says, and they'll test me again when I have another check up because it can take time to show up.

So here I am, risking my health to ensure my dads cared for knowing each time I go in his home that I risk needing even more steroids or another chest infection, but resigning myself to the fact that he has no one else. FWIW he is unwell, but doesnt meet the exceptionally clinically vulnerable criteria.

He knows that the chances are, if I caught COVID19 I'd probably die, yet he has possibly been exposed to it, and didnt tell me, but expected me to go and fucking collect him in my tiny little car and take him home.

I dint want to be that mumsnet cliche, but I'm fuming. How fucking dare he?

I have OCD and I have been so careful, and I'm kicking myself because by doing something that I thought was kind, I may have just killed myself off, what about my daughter? What about my husband?

How the fuck can he do that to his daughter?

Thank you e everyone for being so nice, and understanding with me.

I've felt a lot of guilt because I am literally his only living relative that he has anything to do with, theres a lot of dysfunction in the family, and I always think with my conscience and far too little with my brain.
What's worse is, I've worked with NHS 111, and I'm a firstaider, I've known all along where the line is, and I've continually tried to ensure that that everyones just cared for and ok, but for that to work, the person I'm putting myself out for needs to be a different type of person.

I've spoken with DH about this, tonight, and even he said that dad puts his convenience over everyones health, and with my health being what it is, a lot of the dad duties have fallen to him and hes fed up of it because theres never been any care for me there from my dad.

Thank you all for being my soundboard. I'll be doing the referral first thing in the morning.

Thank you all for your kindness.

Also, I'm fairly certain that there would be some help available to him if I make the referral.
I dont want to give too many details because again, it feels like I'd be going out of my way to be insulting.
I think there would be an ability to get the help he needs, even if he has to meet some of those costs.

Social services can only accept a referral if the person being referred is aware if it and accepts that they need assessment. Noone can force a person to have an assessment.

We are not kind! We are just saying common sense. YOU are the kind one! But sadly he has taken advantage of this kindness.

PUT yourself first. Please. You must.

@Barryisland this could answer a few questions. I'm surprised that SS werent involved with his return home. So maybe hes denied involvement from them.
He did say he kicked off in hospital a few times...

He sounds more beyond fithy and inconsiderate @Apirateslifeforme -living in conditions you've described and expecting you to continuously pick up the slack.Why bother?You wouldnt tolerate this behaviour from anyone else-its utter disregard for your welfare at best and sheer contempt at worst. Distance yourself to protect your physical and mental health.Be strong.

A friend of mine went through a similar thing. Absent for 40 years, unwell df polled up in her home town. DN was run ragged with him. And he took the piss. It's as though they can't see passed themselves. He was hospitalised this year for something. On discharge my dn told SS he was all theirs and left him there. It's all worked out better for her. There wasn't a pandemic then.
You cannot afford to continue doing it. I hope you all keep well anyway.

Honestly? YADNBU and you should leave him to it.
If he won't take any care about you then I see no reason why you should put yourself at risk for him.

He might not want a carer/cleaner, but too bloody bad - he just doesn't want to have to pay for what he can get you to do for free, I'm guessing.

Do NOT go back to his healthhazard house - call social services and tell them that you are not his carer, will not be considered as his carer and will not be able to help him any further.

Sounds like your dad needs help as you have stated his bedding hasn’t been cleaned since August and his house is disgusting? have you thought about asking for a help for him prior to all this? I personally couldn’t allow my parent to live like that and knowing abou it( no judgment) just my opinion,I completely understand why your angry about collecting him from the hospital however it sounds like he needs help caring for himself regardless of this recent situation. Poor man

@Apirateslifeforme I'm not sure he's being honest with you. Hospitals have hot and cold sections. He sounds like he was in the Covid area so they strongly suspect he's got it otherwise they wouldn't place him there.

He absolutely should have told you.
I am so sorry you cannot trust him. I hope you are able to work around it.

@Klou30 - "poor man"? He's actively refused carers and cleaners coming to his house, so no, not "poor man".

@ThumbWitchesAbroad elderly men are very proud people, I know I work in care. If his health is at risk he wouldn’t have an option if a referral was done properly, and it sound like one hasn’t been done at all as the lady has stated above on her latest reply “I’m fairly certain there will be help available if I make a referral”

I'm not sure he's being honest with you. Hospitals have hot and cold sections. He sounds like he was in the Covid area so they strongly suspect he's got it otherwise they wouldn't place him there.

I wondered that too Casino218. It sounds as if you are in a very difficult situation with him apirateslife, even if you did not have to worry about the risk of contracting Covid-19 from him.

Just to add to BarryIsland’s point about him refusing an assessment. That does sounds likely. They could still do an assessment if they thought he could’t understand what was happening (lacking capacity) or if they suspected abuse but neither of these apply in this instance. It sounds as if it suits him better if you are running around after him.

I think it is quite reasonable for you to explain why you cannot help him.

He's a very selfish man OP. You need to put your own health and your family first. If he won't get a cleaner and or carer then maybe this needs to be referred to SS, but you shouldn't have to be looking after him given the circumstances. You have every right to be angry.

Sorry to be brutal but flip it the other way instead of thinking im his only child....

he was also your only dad and wasnt there

You do not owe this man anything. You have done so much already.

You sound like you have a heart of gold. dont let him exploit this anymore.

There's a mental health problem called self neglect www.scie.org.uk/self-neglect/at-a-glance where some older people just stop self care. I did some district nursing.. and met some Marie Celeste type houses.. And stubborn ol beggars. I just think he will die some day, and if you cut all ties, might you regret it.. he does need carers though, but if you re mad at him maybe do weekly phone Calls, and when the vaccine comes, you might be able to see him again. Not that he will change or anything..

Don't be guilt tripped into looking after him.
This situation is his doing.
Please look after your own health, your daughter is the important person here. Don't put him before your own family.
It is ok to to say enough. I wish you good things to come.

Sorry going to try and keep it short. I dont want to give away too many details, I'd hate to out him with details.
He is not elderly, he is still in his early 50s.

That self neglect actually sounds like him to a T.

I may just be a really nasty and uncaring person, but as I've said here, I've done things when they've not been the best or safest option for me, and looking back, there are a lot of things I shouldn't have done which I have. I've told him before I'll be taking DD out, and hes been in town, and waiting as I arrived for our cinema trip (just me and DD) and demanded a lift home, which meant that there was no cinema trip as promised that day. That's made me quite angry actually.

He said in hospital there were green and red wards, and his ward was green, all I'm going on is what hes told me. Apparently they were checking everyone. Maybe I'm not the only one who heard his cough and thought whats going on there! But otherwise, apart from the injury he had, he seemed well, and the cough he developed (which did sound bad, but for a man who smokes a pack of tobacco over a few days to then completely stop for a week+ I guess that does make you cough?) Not a a smoker so I dont really know

You really do need to start distancing yourself from him and saying no. Your poor daughter missing her cinema trip just as he demands he needs a lift. I wouldn't have cancelled it and took him home.

No, I don't think the hospital are wrong disharging this man home. Patients have the right to make unwise decisions, unless they lack the capacity. Capacity is assumed unless proven otherwise. If he has refused a social worker referral or input from services such as occupational therapy and he is medically fit to be discharged, he needs to be discharged. Keeping him there would potentially be a breach of the deprivation of liberty safeguarding. The action his daughter takes, however, is up to her and she needs to do what is right for her and her family.

How did it go OP?

@SoapIsYourFriend I spoke with him this morning on the phone, I explained that I didnt feel that I could give him the help he needs on an ongoing basis. Right now I'm not even supposed to be going out for my own food or medication, which is made a mockery of by then doing it for him, and when we return to normality he knows that I have an operation coming up so even if I could help him, it wouldn't be consistent help and that's what he needs to have any sort of normality and routine. I said I would be able to refer him to Social services if he was happy for me to do so.
His reaction was that I'm a very selfish person to not look after my own dad in the state hes in, and that he already told them in the hospital he didnt want anyone sticking their nose in his business. He wanted to know what hes supposed to do with me leaving him in the lurch. I said I would give him time to calm down, but that I would send him through details to make a referral should he need the help.

I feel like the queen of heartless bitches, but I've had the chat. I hope he refers himself. If he contacts me to guilt me into doing anything, I will have to figure out how to reflect it, but I can figure that out over the next few days, when I stop shaking about today's conversation.

Well done @Apirateslifeforme That must have been tough but you absolutely did the right thing! Some people will just demand what they want from you with no care for what the personal or emotional cost is to you. He can get help if he needs but he just wants to coerce you into doing what he wants because he thinks he can. Take a deep breath - you've taken the first step to protect yourself. Remember this feeling you have the next time this happens, take another calming breath and step away. 🌹

‘It’s true i would feel very selfish about this if my dad had been a parent to me. But I’ve only got one dad, and youve always looked after yourself first so you should be proud of me for finally learning to follow in your footsteps. I have a real family I need to care for.’