To think he should've bloody told me?

[Apirateslifeforme]

I've been advised to shield, yet my dad has needed help, I've tried to minimise the risks.
I've had to say no I cant do a lot of things hes asked because they're purely for his convenience.

Hes had an issue which has meant hes been in hospital for almost a month. I have done more than I should have in the circumstances. I've left myself quite vulnerable but it's been the only way to ensure his needs have been met.

Hes had a terrible cough, but excused this as a cough caused by not smoking like he usually would...seems reasonable.

So he called me yesterday and said that he would be allowed to go home, and he wanted me to collect him.

I said no, but only because I was going to put his bedding on, and make my first trip to the shops since lockdown for his food.

Its taken so long to do his bedding because I've had to wash it 4 times because it was disgusting, he hasn't washed it once since he got it last August and his home is in such a state it makes me unwell (I have severe asthma, an allergy to dust and mould too- all of which he has in an abundance)
So I'd decided if I could double up a bed trip and a shopping trip together.

I see him, from a distance, coughing away. I mention the cough again. Ask if hes ok otherwise before I head out.

Today in phone conversation, he tells me that in hospital, 3 other people in his bay were diagnosed with Covid. Apparently 2 were either side of his bed, but not to worry. He had a covid test right away, and it was negative he says, and they'll test me again when I have another check up because it can take time to show up.

So here I am, risking my health to ensure my dads cared for knowing each time I go in his home that I risk needing even more steroids or another chest infection, but resigning myself to the fact that he has no one else. FWIW he is unwell, but doesnt meet the exceptionally clinically vulnerable criteria.

He knows that the chances are, if I caught COVID19 I'd probably die, yet he has possibly been exposed to it, and didnt tell me, but expected me to go and fucking collect him in my tiny little car and take him home.

I dint want to be that mumsnet cliche, but I'm fuming. How fucking dare he?

I have OCD and I have been so careful, and I'm kicking myself because by doing something that I thought was kind, I may have just killed myself off, what about my daughter? What about my husband?

How the fuck can he do that to his daughter?

He’s a bully making you drive him home and upset a little girl like that.

Huh, he's not going to refer himself. You need to do it for him.

He's a bullying shit, and he's just trying to guilt you into running yourself into the ground for him, so don't do it.

Your first and foremost need is to protect yourself and your DD - so call SS yourself and tell them.

You did really well saying that apirateslifeforme. He is the selfish one wanting put your own health at risk. Even if there Was no coronavirus, you said the state of his house with all the mould spores and dust is not safe for you. No wonder he told the hospital he didn’t want anyone sticking their nose into his business’. He doesn’t want to be told to alter his life in any way. Maybe he does suffer from self neglect, as suggested. Maybe he does have capacity to choose to live this way. None of us here can now. Neither can you. It is something that requires assessment by a specialist. You have done more than he has a right to expect.

He's only 50? I was assuming he was a pensioner. What's going on with him? Doesn't he work? I really don't see why you're being his taxi driver and cleaning his house. I'm assuming he has a drink problem given his self neglect, inability to drive and aggression.

I doubt he will qualify for any help from social services, certainly not a carer. Not at his age with no disabilities. He has simply chosen to live in squalor.
One option is for him to pay a cleaner once a week who could also change and wash bedding. I pity the cleaner if she has to collect up mugs of urine and put up with his foul smell and attitude.

You've done the right thing. You need to have firm boundaries to protect yourself. (and not just from CV but from being hurt and used).
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to cut him out completely; perhaps you could still phone and check up on him or send messages. That's up to you. I do understand, it's your dad and you have some feelings towards him and feel you should help in some way.

As an aside, please don't obsess about his cough. When you stop smoking you cough up all the crap from your lungs for a few weeks. His cough is not a symptom of corona virus if his test was negative.

Poor you. Stay away from him now. You've already done more than enough. Really hope you stay well

I can't believe he is only in his 50's and behaves / lives like that.
I thought he might be mid to late 80's / 90's.

You've done so well @Apirateslifeforme he is a classic emotional manipulator. You have to keep at forefront of your mind he is a grown adult, not elderly or horribly disabled and of sound mind. By the sounds of it he has zero interest in your welfare only how your fitness affects his ability to have you run about after him. He has options available to him, he just wants his own way and to have you at his beck and call in a way SS would not entertain.

He is not behaving like a loving parent OP, but a petulant, entitled dependant. You have nothing to feel guilty about, genetics do not mean you are enslaved to him for life. He will continue to try to make you feel bad for not letting him treat you as a doormat. He has a caring DD who is willing to do far more than from what you've said he has ever done for her, and this is how he abuses her good nature?

You deserve much better than this OP , keep showing your DD you are worth more than how he views you and teach her by example not to give in to verbally abusive manipulators - it will stand her in good stead for life.

@Apirateslifeforme

Just got to reiterate the excellent advice from others...

"Isn't there something about if you are on a plane and there's a drama and the oxygen masks come down you should always put your own on first before helping others (even your children) with theirs?"

Apirateslifeforme this man is an abusive arse. The fact he is biologically related to you doesn't mean you should put your health in danger for him.

"I may just be a really nasty and uncaring person, but as I've said here, I've done things when they've not been the best or safest option for me, and looking back, there are a lot of things I shouldn't have done which I have."

Not one single person here thinks you are uncaring.

Please tell him now you are having no physical or social contact with him except a phone call if you want until it is safe to do so.

Refer him yourself or tell him to self refer. Which ever suits you.

Tell the hospital you cannot be physically present with this man due to Covid 19 and you want it on his records he has no family support.

"I've told him before I'll be taking DD out, and hes been in town, and waiting as I arrived for our cinema trip (just me and DD) and demanded a lift home, which meant that there was no cinema trip as promised that day. That's made me quite angry actually."

Please take that very reasonable and valid anger and use it to protect yourself and your child from this abusive man.

Imagine for a moment a man behaving like this to your dd!!! Would you encourage her to accept and tolerate this?

In your shoes I would NOW:

Tell him 'No more, not safe for me." Hang up phone if he rants or raves.

Tell hospital "I am the only relative who has cared for this man, I can no longer do it due to Covid 19. Please be aware he has no physical or practical support. I can only be contacted about medical issues by phone. I cannot be present with him in his home or hospital."

If you want to, if it makes you feel better., refer him to social services. He is not a 'poor man's he is an abusive arse.

You OP are a saint.

I'm going to be harsh now. You let your daughter down in breaking your promise about the cinema trip because your dad appeared and demanded a lift. Why on earth does he get priority when you were never a priority for him? Does your daughter deserve to lose out because of his selfishness? No way. There are these things called buses and taxis that he will have to get used to taking like plenty of other people his age. He's only in his fifties!

I always think with my conscience and far too little with my brain.
Apply that conscience to your daughter. SHE should come first. You should not be putting yourself at risk for an uncaring dad because, even if you are willing to sacrifice yourself and your own health, you are denying your daughter the care, attention and time she should get from you to give that instead to someone unworthy of it. That should be what stings your conscience.

I am saying this not just to be harsh, but to jolt you into seeing the true picture here. It's not just you who suffers by helping your dad. But that said, you should think more of yourself - you are worth protecting too. Look for a counsellor when lockdown is over to get some help with all this. You seem to have been feeling guilty for some time and you need to free yourself of that.

He's in is 50s! That's appalling. I thought he was a 90 year old from how helpless he sounded.

Nobody thinks you are cruel, and you don't owe your deadbeat dad any explanations about why you're not slaving around for him anymore. The more excuses you give him the more ways he has to twist your words and force you to seeve him. A good rule of thumb with people who are 'takers' like your dad is 'Never complain, never explain'. Say "No, im not going to do that. You'll have to take a taxi." Then, if he pushes, just repeat "i said no". Don't start explaining "but I promised my daughter we'd go to the cinema and the film starts in 10 minutes..." he doesn't give a shit about your plans, you or your daughter.

Have you had therapy? You might benefit from it to work through why you feel obligated to help a man who treats you so terribly. You are worth so much more.

Totally agree with GooseberryJam.

Also you may be able to get sessions with a counsellor now via phone or zoom. You need to realise you can be free of this selfish man. He is a genuine danger to you and your family.

And BemidjiMinnesota so well put. 'Never complain, never explain'. Say "No, im not going to do that. You'll have to take a taxi." Then, if he pushes, just repeat "i said no". Don't start explaining"

I think you have to think of him as someone looking to use you. So any explanations are seem as opportunities to push you in the way he wants.

Like a sales person at the door or on the phone. As soon as you say "I can't afford it." They will come up with a payment plan anyone could afford! The shorter answer. No. They cannot argue with! Use that knowledge with your dad. Expect an argument so don't stick around for it.

If he insists, you could always tell him you'll be as available as he was during your childhood...

Honestly, do you actually want a relationship with him or do you believe you should have one? As he wasn't much of a parent, the relationship you have with him is closer to a friend- so how is he enriching your life? Is he kind? A good listener? Helpful? Or is that you?

Useful responses include:
No, that doesn't work for us.
No, I can't do that.
No.
Not going to happen.
No.

Rule 1 - never apologise for saying No. If you do, he'll sense weakness and he'll batten on to it and try to break you.
Rule 2 - stay strong in your refusal. If you give in once, he'll know he can break you another time.
Rule 3 - you and your DD are who matters now, not him. Be kind to YOU both, you deserve it.

You can do this!

"His reaction was that I'm a very selfish person ..."
Of course that was his reaction, anything less than complete capitulation to servicing his every whim is his definition of 'selfish'. But it's nobody else's definition. You are not selfish, indeed you are far too selfLESS. I wish you were a little more selfish - you'd have told him to bugger off long since!

"... to not look after my own dad in the state hes in, and that he already told them in the hospital he didnt want anyone sticking their nose in his business. ..."
He's barely your dad, more of a 'sire' - contributed genetic material only. And as for the state he's in, that's all the more reason to not be such an arse and accept whatever care package the hospital suggested. He's refused their 'looking after', he's not entitled to insist you do it.

"... He wanted to know what hes supposed to do with me leaving him in the lurch. ..."
He's supposed to accept the care offered by the NHS and Social Services and stop whining at you to put yourself at risk for this abusive arse. He's supposed to stop living like a feral animal and take care of himself. He's supposed to behave like a rational human and not an abusive arse. And you are not leaving him in the lurch - far from it.

"... I said I would give him time to calm down, but that I would send him through details to make a referral should he need the help."
And you make sure that you DON'T calm down; forgive him, put yourself in harm's way again for him, lift so much as a finger for him. I'm serious. You said it yourself, " I always think with my conscience and far too little with my brain." And frankly your conscience needs to sit down and relax, because there's nothing to do with your sire that needs your conscience's attention.

Here are some words to live by, Apirateslifeforme.

Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Always put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

TehBewilderness wise words.

OP how are you doing?