Lockdown is making me hate life

[Minorchord]

I hate lockdown. I live alone and hate not being able to see anyone. I hate this whole culture of meet up over zoom and fucking dance routines and people going on about their gardens. I have depression anyway which I've had treatment for which doesn't work. I hate this incompetent government and this new NHS Worship cult. I used to like life when I wasn't depressed now I hate every second of it. I don't know what the point of getting up is. But of course all people want to talk about is the illness above all others and how important it is to lockdown until 2023. I've lost years of my life to mental ill health. I was making some progress and now this. I hate MN and how everyone just wants to leap on anyone hating the lockdown and say it's for your own good and don't even think about having a life. I hate those fucking patronising government adverts "It cam be hard.." I am sick to death of the words social distancing. If I knew what happened after I'd end my life now.

And being told that Uk ‘isn’t in a proper lockdown’

it's true. It's not written in a goady way, it's a simple fact that we are not locked up inside with no way out. You are hurting only yourself if you stop yourself from going for runs or exercised you CAN do when you miss sport. It's not helpful.

Maybe some people will have a bit more sympathy for foreigners with no security, a constant thread of being expelled or simply having their rights taken away or changed. They never seemed to bother most of the Brits before. Not everyone had a cushy little life, and crossing borders has not always been a formality for many.

You’re definitely not alone Minorchord and your initial post was very honest and raw. I do the fingers and make gestures not becoming to a woman my age when the sycophantic ads come on and the endless drivel of “we’re in this together’ my arse we are. I’m stuck in a cul de sac clinging on the my sanity and hoping it gets better tomorrow. Cheers 🍷🍷

@oneandtwenty
Yes, I can go for a run, and I do (or a walk). However that’s not the same as playing team sports, as anyone who plays football, hockey, netball, rugby or whatever would tell you. Believe me, I am not inventing extra rules like some people on mumsnet, I’ve still been having my cleaner come once a fortnight etc. It doesn’t change the fact I’m banned from seeing my friends and family and doing a hobby which took up a good deal of my time and was good for my mental health.

OP. Have you reached out to your GP at all? You can still speak to your GP and get help. Sorry it's such a difficult time, being alone must make it's so difficult when you don't have others to just be with.

What are some things you enjoyed before lockdown/your illness?

Is there things you ever wanted to do or learn but never had the time?

The sad reality is, even of lockdown ended tomorrow that won't fix your depression. Lockdown has obviously made the situation much worse for you though. Have you managed to overcome this before? What worse for you?

Please contact your GP. There are things you can try.

Get up and showered and dressed every morning. Listen to music, eat good food. Speak to other people, go for a walk, try mindlessness, speak to your GP, if you can afford it maybe try a over the phone counsellor. There is no easy fix and really anything and everything needs to come from you, but if you need to talk then feel free to PM.

I understand, OP. I have always let my mind wander ahead to markers of time. So, having a tough day with the toddler, I knew I was working 3 days the coming week while he burned off steam at nursery. We had a holiday planned in April and one in June. A wedding in September. In laws coming every few weeks so we could go for a meal. New films out at the cinema. And it's just all gone, looking ahead, for months. Every day is the same and I hate trying to fill my time instead of living it.

Hammering in my head - exactly this too. There NOTHING to look forward to. I too need fun things planned to help with my MH.

It’s just so tedious and relentless, as you say every day the same.

I'm stopping writing on here now. OneandTwenty I asked you to stop posting and you didn't. You've made my mental health even worse. I'm already speaking to people, exercising, reading, eating healthily and I still feel awful. I don't trust my GP ad they just reach for antidepressants which don't help. Some of the posts on here have been really helpful, but I can't risk having my mind further polluted by people like oneandtwenty so signing out now.

modgepodge
I genuinely fail to understand why you stop to see friends and family (as we have been advised, I am not saying you are wrong) but a cleaner coming to your house is ok.

I’m sorry to hear that
Minor

If you want to return to the thread, I’ll keep it in watch just in case it helps you to have a rant.

There are definitely posters I’ve had to learn to ignore.

@Minorchord

I'm with you on all of it. Sometimes I can run off the anger and frustration, but sometimes I just go in the closet and let the tears overflow. The grief and sense of loss is legitimate.

Step away from MN. Call someone you trust. Feel your feelings, but hang on. If not for yourself, for those you love. My DM "took herself out" years ago, and it was devastating. Still is.

This is the hardest kind of brave.

This will got to lift. It's going to be slow, but it will ease. Many people will be too afraid to venture out, for whatever reason. It is not, as they say, "sustainable."Let them continue to embrace the restrictions.

Get outside today, if you can. Even it's just to sit for a few minutes.

And I also hate the following three words/phrases:
"Stay safe"
"social distancing"
And...drum roll..."Creating a mask culture." This gem was coined by our otherwise sensible governor. He used it twice and it went over like a lead balloon. Geez.

@oneandtwenty

Here is the guidance the government gives regarding cleaners:

You are a tradesperson carrying out essential repairs and maintenance in people’s homes, or are carrying out other work in a home such as cleaning or paid-for childcare in a child’s home. You can continue work, providing that you are well and have no symptoms. No work should be carried out by a tradesperson, cleaner or nanny who has coronavirus symptoms, however mild, or when someone in their own household has symptoms.

As you can see, cleaners are allowed to continue working. The government has made it clear that social visits are not allowed, that’s why I don’t have them. I’m following the government guidance. Not sure why you’re struggling to understand that?

Plus, when the cleaner is here I go in a different room to her, swapping round so we are never closer than 2m and only in the same room for a few seconds if at all. If I invited a friend round, I’d probably want to be in the same room, otherwise they might as well not come 😂

I know the guidelines, I just don't understand what you don't understand.

I am not talking about snuggling someone on the sofa, what stops you from having friends for a bbq and stay around the table if it's safe enough to have cleaners around?

Nothing to do with essential repairs and maintenance. I am not pretending we are not allowed to keep working, the only people I know who don't currently work were airlines employees.

Maybe because 1 cleaner does not equal the same risk as 1 cleaner in a different room plus five friends round for a BBQ who will at the very least want to go in and use the toilet?

It’s shit OP I agree. Life is dull enough without this.

What stops me is the fact I’m sticking to the government guidelines, as are my friends and family, who would probably refuse such an invitation.

This is what I mean about people making up extra lockdown rules - you presumably disapprove of me having my cleaner round, despite the government saying it’s fine, and if you have a cleaner you’ve presumably cancelled them. I haven’t made up any additional rules, but am sticking to the ones that actually exist, which prevents me inciting friends round. And I am finding it hard, mentally, which is what this thread is about.

but I am hardly stuck at home at least within my country.

And all the other posts by @oneandtwenty. Clearly you either don't have or need anyone outside of your household, that or you are genuinely so short sighted you just don't get it. This isn't about what you are doing or how you are coping and attacking OP or anyone else only serves to show how self centred you are.

I’m stuck in a cul de sac clinging on the my sanity

What's the relevance of the cul de sac?!

majesticallyawkward

There are plenty of things I can't do, plenty of things I had to cancel.

I am not talking about ME, I am not attacking anyone, I was pointing out that picturing your current situation as worst than it actually is really doesn't help anyone. I have no wish for the country to go into a proper lockdown, my kids would go nuts if they couldn't run around for a few hours a day, even with a garden. If we had been in a country with a real lockdown, of course we would have had to suck it up, but I am glad it's not that bad. That's all I was saying. The race to the bottom is not helpful, even if it doesn't affect me at all btw...

OneandTwenty - I really got the OP. Being stuck alone in a garden less flat for weeks on end is torture. Without even adding in the pre-existing mental health problems which are confounding things massively. Skype, Zoom and co are in no way able to replace actual human contact. You talk about keeping your kids entertained - you have absolutely zero idea what it is like to be alone. Actually ALONE. I was sobbing just desperately wishing for a bloody hug until I finally got to start work and have some normality (and human interaction) back.

Well said Minor.

I'm (invisibly) disabled and cannot even sit in the park on my own, miles from anyone, without some busybody reporting me and within 10 minutes being told by park attendants they would call the police on me!

If only police were that fast to get to a real crime ...

I totally understand that lockdown is truly awful for many people and fine for others. What I do find hard to understand is why people continue immersing themselves in media and social media that constantly make them feel bad/depressed/angry.

I haven't noticed the government adverts mentioned in the OP. I don't have any scaremongering, judgemental curtain-twitchers, NHS hero-worshippers, lockdown virtue-signallers or performance-homeschoolers as FB friends. If I did, I'd unfollow them. You are what you consume, media-wise. People need to stop choosing to consume this stuff.

Its perfectly understandable to feel that way OP. Yes there are good reasons for the lockdown but it does feel like torture to some people, with good reason.

I know someone who is grieving a very serious loss and appears to be struggling massively with the lockdown. I honestly worry about the knock on effects to people who were not in a good frame of mind before all this started.

And no you are not being unreasonable. It is ok to be angry about the utter shit that has happened to us.

lazy "I haven't noticed the government adverts mentioned in the OP"

I haven't seen them but I think if you watch live TV or read a paper, they are in there. Even just watching ordinary TV shows, not the news.

Nrtft yet, but I feel the same, but not necessarily just because of lockdown. Lockdown or not, life is very hard for some people, well actually quite alot of people. I am in a deeply unhappy relationship. Have been for a number of years, which has completely depleted my mental and physical health reserves. I feel upset and angry about the years I've wasted to all of it, and wasted to my OH who seems oblivious to it. I find it very hard to stay positive and can't see how I'm going to be happy again. Most people in my circle are happy, and months prior to lockdown I had started to detach from a few of them because I don't plan on meeting up with them, because I just feel I've lost interest. I had for ages lost interest but used to push myself to socialise but I don't want to now, it's like an ordeal when it should be a pleasure. I will be parting from my OH within a few months, but too much damage has been done, plus I've not got secure accommodation, which makes things even harder.