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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People WFH with small children

123 replies

MadameBee · 06/05/2020 18:09

This is a shameless post for a colleague and not really a AIBU.

Someone who reports to me is WFH but really struggling as she has a 1 year old and most of our work involves being on the phone.

Now has no childcare and fairly unsupportive partner (also out all day working).

How can I help her?

OP posts:

Lasagnah · 06/05/2020 21:00

But then maybe as DH is away with work alot I'm more used to going it alone and juggling everything.

pastabest · 06/05/2020 21:04

I think there will be some horrible legal cases resulting where employers have pushed staff too much and there have been accidents involving small children and ropey supervision

Indeed, I had a few near misses in the early lockdown days when I was still trying to be a hero and carry on as normal with work.

The turning point was coming back through to the 3yo sobbing because she had dropped a wooden toy on her face while lying on the floor watching TV and momentarily hurt herself. She said 'I hurt myself mummy and I didn't know where you were and you didn't hear me and that made me very sad'. I had heard her but was dealing with a particularly difficult call which I also arsed up because I was trying to wind it up quickly so I could see why someone was crying.

It was such a minor thing in comparison to other near misses I had (mostly involving scissors) but she was so upset that I hadn't responded.

Nope, work comes second now and I do the best I can whilst keeping the children safe and happyish.

LaurieMarlow · 06/05/2020 21:05

Anyway agree to disagree, because I don't believe I'm hard done by looking after my DS, or that everyone else owes me something.

Well aren’t you great.

However given that looking after small children is a full time job and people in the current circs are supposed to be doing a full time job on top of that, I’m not sure what you expect people to do?

Not sleep? Abandon their child for the day?

I’m sure there’s the odd one year old who’ll amuse themselves for hours on end (perhaps you’re blessed with one) but it’s not typical.

I have friends who are on the verge of a breakdown right now. It’s beyond tough.

Original poster

MadameBee · 06/05/2020 21:06

She does three days but has been given the flexibility to do her hours over 5.

OP posts:

Anoisagusaris · 06/05/2020 21:07

People with children wfh can also have all the other issues or difficulties that people without children have wfh, on top of having children to look after!

In relation to this employee, are all the phone calls absolutely necessary? Could some be done by email?

Lasagnah · 06/05/2020 21:08

@LaurieMarlow yes it is hard, but businesses need to do something other than just redistribute work to people who don't have children. I'm not saying people should be able to do it all, they can't.

Original poster

MadameBee · 06/05/2020 21:08

I def do not want her on the verge of a breakdown.

I want to support her.

OP posts:

tempnamechange98765 · 06/05/2020 21:08

This thread would have me questioning my parenting, if it weren't for real life friends and family with children.

Leave a 14 month old for 20 minutes? My FOUR year old won't entertain himself for 20 minutes (without a screen). For the 11.5 hours or so a day that they aren't in bed, childcare for my 4 and 14 month old does not stop. It's either dressing/nappy changing/meals/negotiating/tantrums/entertaining. I might get 5-10 minute blocks here and there. DH and I never ever work at the same time, it would be impossible. 14 month old's naps are about as reliable as a 40 year old car so there's not even the option of knuckling down for a couple of hours when he is asleep and put the older one in front of the TV.

Lasagnah you're clearly some sort of mythical juggling superhero as I don't call working from home whilst looking after small children juggling; I call it impossible.

The whole childfree workers vs workers with children is a moot point in lockdown as THERE IS NO CHILDCARE. That's the point I'm lucky my employer understands.

Lasagnah · 06/05/2020 21:09

People with children wfh can also have all the other issues or difficulties that people without children have wfh, on top of having children to look after!

Still not a reason for people like the OP to be expected to do weekends to pick up that work though.

burritofan · 06/05/2020 21:10

seen as though
Perhaps you ought to revolve your world a little more around spelling and a little less around being a twat.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/05/2020 21:10

Can she be swapped to weekends? If her dp is around of course.

Original poster

MadameBee · 06/05/2020 21:14

I am trying to support her - I am “middle management” so sandwiched between a rock and a hard place.

Think is the one hour he does nap she spends phoning me/colleagues and basically chatting (I get it she is desperate for adult conversation). So it’s leaving me making excuses for her and she is feeling defeated and putting up barriers so I need a new “I really I understand” but “let’s be positive about what we can do not what we can’t do” approach.

OP posts:

Sandybval · 06/05/2020 21:19

I agree with hr, they can likely offer you some support but also highlight any policies etc that she can take up to help her out too.

Sandybval · 06/05/2020 21:20

With contacting hr that should say!!

Cocololo · 06/05/2020 21:36

I am in her exact situation (i would guess even the same job or very similar team) and it is hell. TBH you don't sound supportive. She can literally do nothing and all day she is worried about it all day long and feeling guilty that she is not being a good enough mum, letting her colleagues down, everyone thinking that she is lazy and worried she might lose her job at the end of this. If you actually want to support her take her cases off her and do some yourself and split others across he team. Also YABU if you think that she should be working for the full hour that the child naps (if they do nap that long) when it will be her only downtime/chance to eat/prepare dinner for her baby put a wash maybe even clean her teeth if her child is as much of a handful as mine. Looking after a toddler is a full time job. By 4pm she will be absolutely exhausted and then probably trying to work in the evenings.

Cocololo · 06/05/2020 21:38

You want to be positive and look at what she can do- what do you think that is? What do you think she should be doing?

turnthebiglightoff · 06/05/2020 21:44

There's a fairly recent (last 3 weeks I think) update to furlough legislation that states childcare can be a reason to furlough.

Purple1314 · 06/05/2020 21:47

My role sounds similar and my youngest is a similar age. I plan phonecalls and video calls/meetings to take place during nap time in the early afternoon. If there are big conference calls with people outside of the organisation maybe she could join with audio only and mute herself until it's her section. That way she could still take part but people can't seen her child or get distracted by background noise. Meetings with colleagues within the team I join muting myself unless I'm talking and they accept my child might need me during that time and that's ok. Write ups of calls and emails can then be done more flexibly in the evening or whilst they are playing. I would be tempted to spread the three days over fives and aim to use the nap times each day to do the client focused stuff. Alternatively maybe she could do some of her hours on a weekend when her partner is around just to get written things done. Hope you find a solution that works.

welshladywhois40 · 06/05/2020 21:55

Does she have equipment that will help? So for example I have a two year old and do the odd call while he is awake using my phone and earphones (one in, one out). People I work with now expect he might be in the background.

I am lucky my work has allowed me to move my day around so I start early and finish late and take time off during the day to care.

Can you work during naps? Luckily my son has a set nap when I schedule can't be interrupted calls for.

melodien · 06/05/2020 22:02

There has been a few posts like this very recently. There is probably only so long you can look after very young children and hold down a demanding job at the same time without becoming very stressed. Everyone's breaking point is different, but I think some people are already beginning to reach theirs.

pumpkinbump · 08/05/2020 00:54

I work in the public sector. I have a 21 month old and am a single parent. I have been in the house now for almost 2 months. No help from ex partner as he has been working and I am vulnerable so he hadn't been visiting. I work 2 days a week and it has been so difficult. We were asked to put ourselves into categories, cat 4 basically is my situation and means you just can't work as you have a small child to look after solely. I wanted to try and have been trying for weeks. I have managed 10 hours over the 2 months. The last two weeks I have had to email in to say I cannot work that particular day
I have just this past Wednesday been moved to cat 4 whereby I am not required to work, it will be paid as special leave. I really feel for her as it is so difficult and so stressful trying to work and stressing because you feel you can't get anything done.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/05/2020 01:13

The things I have done to help the person I supervise with a 1 year old are: re arrange her working hours, reduce her workload (partially by deciding some work will not get done, partially by doing some of it myself) and swap work around so she has more paperwork and fewer meetings.

Can you try any of that?

The reality in my team is that colleagues without young kids are doing more than colleagues with them. I don't think there's any way around that. It's similar to how the team has to pick up the slack if a member is ill or has time off for any other reason.

tempnamechange98765 · 08/05/2020 09:55

My work have done similar to pumpkinbunp, not categorising as such but it's being dealt with on individual cases, agreeing with managers and department heads what's reasonable to do. I've agreed that I will be doing 3 hours per day of my working week, and I'm taking one day annual leave a week. Two of those hours are in the evening!

It really is impossible with young children, and it's not right that those people should have to work all evening every evening as it's really not sustainable for mental health. This isn't a short term arrangement that you don't mind working all hours for, eg when you're meeting a project deadline. This is long term for goodness knows how long, people's mental health (and that of their children, if applicable) are more important.

Washyourhands48 · 08/05/2020 10:07

What of the mental health of the childfree being pushed to breaking point by having to have an increased workload @tempnamechange98765 ?

LaurieMarlow · 08/05/2020 10:10

What of the mental health of the childfree being pushed to breaking point by having to have an increased workload

People really have to be sensible here. The working parent is being asked to perform two full time jobs simultaneously. This just isn’t feasible.

We all have to support each other and if a little of the workload from the working parents can be redistributed, to save them, for example, working 5 hours in the evening when their children are asleep, then yes that’s the right thing to do.

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