I’ve been really careless with my words

[Pusheenparent]

Bit of backstory...I have a very elderly ndn, I’ve lived here for over 10 years and have always been very fond of said neighbour. These last few years she hasn’t been too well and has had a relative take care of her every need. Relative and I have always gotten on well, exchanging Christmas cards etc.
Then today happens, I’m in the garden pegging washing out and relative pops into ndn garden. I ask how ndn is doing and if we can help in anyway then let us know. Relative replies that ndn isn’t doing well at all and I ask....”Is she receiving end of life care?” (I’ve noticed a lot of carers going in and out this last week). She replies that it’s not end of life but they don’t know if ndn will get better. We had a brief chat about other things and off we went.
She’s now just called to me over the fence and asked me why I asked if it was end of life care? I replied that I’d seen the carers going in and out and partly assumed that it was. She told me I’ve really upset her by asking but said she doesn’t want to fall out with me over it. She was almost in tears and now I feel like the worst person on Earth!
I’m gutted at the thought of upsetting them. I could kick myself!
I think I already know the answer but wibu for asking?

It’s normal for her to be upset at her relative being so unwell. Tbh you could have said anything and she’d have been upset. Don’t overthink it- remain apologetic to her feelings but avoid platitudes like “I’m sure NDN will recover and be tip top soon”... Just say that things are very upsetting and sad and you hope NDN is comfortable and offer your help wherever you can.

I think there were a lot of more sensitive ways to ask, but we all put our foot in our mouths sometimes.

A bit tactless but you meant no harm. I'd write her a note apologising and it will soon be forgotten.

I remember when my mother in law was very ill with Parkinson's amongst other things; a relative of whom she was very fond came to see her and said, "Oh I never dreamed you would have deteriorated so much". Mum in law was gutted. The relly didn't mean to hurt her, she just said what came into her head. A lesson to us all, most of us have blurted something out without thinking at one time or another.

Someone can be chronically sick for a long time before it is considered 'end of life care'.

Forgive yourself and move on.

Call her back in a few days, explain that you feel awful because you've upset her and you want to apologize again. We're all a bit careless sometimes and your intentions were not malicious in any way

You could have phrased it better but I'm sure she's overly sensitive about it all.

Well maybe it hadn't occurred to the relative that her elderly relative was near the end of her life. Just thought she was a normal older person needing help. For you to ask if it was end of life care has brought it home to her that the relative may indeed not have much longer of her life to live and potentially you scared her more by saying people were in and out all the time.

I don't think I would ever ask someone that question without it having been volunteered. Very insensitive.

I dont think ywbu to ask what you did, as you say you are close to both of them. It must have been upsetting for her to hear though, especially if you are the first person to "go there" so to speak.

I would apologise once, sincerely and offer whatever help you can. Then put it to the back of your mind and move forward.

Doesn't sound like you've done anything worth falling out over and you should take reassurance from the fact they have said that.

I think they are possibly just over sensitive. I think you should look at a gesture of kindness for them such a flowers or wine

Thanks everyone. I apologised as soon as I realised I’d upset her. I’ll leave it a few days and then think I’ll take @Lynda07 advice and write a note apologising again.
I genuinely hate the thought of upsetting anyone and have never classed myself as insensitive but we live and learn I guess.

I wouldn't apologise again. You already did, bringing it up again is just reminding them what you said.

Yes, a bit tactless to ask unprompted but god knows I've stick my foot in my mouth enough times not to judge you. Apologise again and move on.

I also know someone who was speaking to the widow at a wake and described a homemade cake at a funeral as "to die for" so, y'know, perspective.

It's good that she could speak to you to say that she was upset. It takes bravery to say that, rather than stew on it.

You put your foot in it. The best you can do is accept she's upset, as I'm sure she's accepting that you didn't mean to upset her but it's brought it home to her that her relative might not have a great deal of time left.

Perhaps a nice little gift for her would be a good idea?

It's still possible to arrange for flowers, and they take extra care with them now. Perhaps a small bunch of pretty flowers? Flowers always lift the mood anyway, and I suspect that that is what is really needed right now.

I don’t think you said anything too bad, your comment was based on genuine concern to ask...try not to take it onboard too much, your heart was in the right place

I’ve decided I’ll get flowers when I finish work in the morning. Relative doesn’t live too far from us so I’ll drop them round during our walk tomorrow. Note or just ‘from pusheen’ on the flowers?

Just “from Pusheen” I think.

I wouldn't worry too much. I would have taken "Not doing well at all" as a euphemism for end-of-life to be honest.

From pusheen. With something that helps you both move on from it. 'From Pusheen, hopefully we can have a neighbourly coffee soon, and do let me know if there's anything I can help with. '

I wouldn't worry too much either, they said she was 'not doing well at all'.
You sound like a lovely neighbour. I'm sure they know that.

I don't think it was terribly insensitive bearing in mind that she'd told you the neighbour really wasn't doing well at all. But I also remember being quite shocked and outraged when the GP told us that my lovely MIL was at the end of life stage, because I really didn't want to believe it. Perhaps the phrase is a bit clinical and it made her really think about what was going on? But I wouldn't give yourself too hard a time over it, really.

Oh we've all done it I think, opened our mouths before engaging our brains. Don't beat yourself up, you've apologised and if you take her some flowers I think you've done enough.

I heard two ladies in the supermarket today, one was going on about how shocking it was to have an unmarried mother in No 10. The other one listened and then said, "I was an unmarried mother." The first lady went on and on trying to explain what she meant, it was obvious what she meant. She just made it worse.

This is one of those awful situations where everyone feels upset and no-one is unreasonable so you can't even work up a sweat of righteous indignation to burn off the upset.

Flowers are a good idea.

Also, I think one apology is enough. I might be alone in this but rightly or wrongly, if someone keeps apologising I start to feel a bit like it's more about them wanting me to tell them it's OK than about them wanting me to feel better.

Bloody awful thing to ask!! You basically asked if she was about to pop her clogs...

I'd leave a note with the flowers. Just say so sorry you upset her. You realise now how awful it sounded. You were concerned , that's all and are very happy indeed that your lovely neighbour is still fine. Flowers to say sorry.

Then don't dwell on it. We all make clumsy and upsetting mistakes in life.