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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’ve been really careless with my words

96 replies

Pusheenparent · 06/05/2020 14:41

Bit of backstory...I have a very elderly ndn, I’ve lived here for over 10 years and have always been very fond of said neighbour. These last few years she hasn’t been too well and has had a relative take care of her every need. Relative and I have always gotten on well, exchanging Christmas cards etc.
Then today happens, I’m in the garden pegging washing out and relative pops into ndn garden. I ask how ndn is doing and if we can help in anyway then let us know. Relative replies that ndn isn’t doing well at all and I ask....”Is she receiving end of life care?” (I’ve noticed a lot of carers going in and out this last week). She replies that it’s not end of life but they don’t know if ndn will get better. We had a brief chat about other things and off we went.
She’s now just called to me over the fence and asked me why I asked if it was end of life care? I replied that I’d seen the carers going in and out and partly assumed that it was. She told me I’ve really upset her by asking but said she doesn’t want to fall out with me over it. She was almost in tears and now I feel like the worst person on Earth!
I’m gutted at the thought of upsetting them. I could kick myself!
I think I already know the answer but wibu for asking?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 06/05/2020 18:12

I think it was a pretty awful thing to say, despite it not being said to mean hurt, and we’ve all put our foot in it sometimes. I think the neighbour was fair enough saying they were hurt by the comment. My mum is not well at the moment and it’s a really difficult time to deal with an illness, it’s stressful that you have to stay distant. You’ve apologised. Perhaps leave a little bunch of flowers saying sorry and offering help if they need it, then let it lie. Fingers crossed the neighbour gets well.

BettyUnderswoob · 06/05/2020 18:15

I had a CPN talking to me about End Of Life for MIL. MIL had early stage Alzheimer’s and couldn’t live alone in her house anymore, but was exceptionally fit and well physically for 80YO.
I was really angry! I felt like she was not only assuming imminent death, but writing off the rest of MILs life as worthless somehow.

6 years later MIL is still with us. Now more frail and very confused, but not heading off in a hurry.

It’s really not OK to talk about the end of someone’s life unless it has been mentioned to you. Anyway, that was clumsy of you OP, the flowers idea mentioned above is a good one.

NamedyChangedy · 06/05/2020 18:16

We've all been there. I wish there was a real-life Rewind button sometimes, I'd be using it frequently! Flowers sound nice, hope everything works out and it can be left there.

Tulipstulips · 06/05/2020 18:19

@Unravellingslowly at my mum’s funeral someone said to me, “It was a lovely service. Oh your mum would have loved it”. I was all out of tact and said ”I doubt she would have enjoyed her own funeral”. This poor woman just about died. Still feel a bit bad about that, I bet she thinks about it still and cringes.

DamnYankee · 06/05/2020 18:27

You have handled it well. Not an awful thing to ask.
I also remember being quite shocked and outraged when the GP told us that my lovely MIL was at the end of life stage, because I really didn't want to believe it.
^This
I simply think people get defensive about their own/loved ones mortality.
You have been involved with this family and were genuinely concerned. You're not just a snoopy neighbor who is morbidly curious.
I think we're all a bit sensitive now.
Cut yourself some slack. If the flowers make you feel better, go for it.

Misspretty · 06/05/2020 18:32

Cut yourself some slack op, you made a mistake and you’ve apologised.
Let it go . Buy yourself some flowers

Mucklowe · 06/05/2020 18:37

Call me harsh, but I don't think flowers are necessary. You've apologised. That's enough.

saraclara · 06/05/2020 18:37

It’s really not OK to talk about the end of someone’s life unless it has been mentioned to you

Yep. It seems there are a lot of people in this thread who in trying to make the OP feel better, either don't understand or don't acknowledge that golden rule.

Happymum12345 · 06/05/2020 18:40

Bless you! We’ve all done daft things like that. I once asked a man who had just had a heart attack, if he was expecting one-he wasn’t! I also said to a man who was setting up radio emergency response teams if he had a good time away-where there had been a terrible earthquake. I then overheard him telling someone what i had just said. You didn’t mean to upset you nnd.Flowers

Thisismytimetoshine · 06/05/2020 18:43

You need to start thinking before you speak, Happymum
Those examples aren't endearingly wacky, they're just dumb.

Whatsglovesgottodowithit · 06/05/2020 18:44

Yep. It seems there are a lot of people in this thread who in trying to make the OP feel better, either don't understand or don't acknowledge that golden rule
The op realises it, feels shit and has apologised.
Maybe the people who aren’t “acknowledging that golden rule” are decent people who aren’t going to beat her with a stick anymore than she’s doing herself.

JoysOfString · 06/05/2020 18:47

I think part of it is that even if we're not directly affected, we're all hearing a lot of phrases phrases like end-of-life care, DNR and seeing stories about people dying on the news, especially in this type of situation. I can totally see how you might ask in these circumstances - yes it upset her as it turned out, but you didn't mean to.

The other thing is by saying and elderly person "isn’t doing well at all" she could well have been inviting you to discuss it or trying to tell you euphemistically, and been upset if you'd ignored it. These things are difficult and emotions run high. I sympathise because I often manage to put my foot in my mouth (am famous for it Blush)

Just be very genuinely apologetic, no excuses, just say how sorry you are and you're there to help if she needs anything.

GoddessOfGettingThereInTheEnd · 06/05/2020 18:48

Yeh OP cut yourself a MASSIVE AMOUNT of slack here.

saraclara · 06/05/2020 18:48

You don't help someone by pretending that something was okay though. Especially when she recognises herself that it wasn't @whatsglovesgottodowithit. So if they really think that it was okay, they probably need to rethink that.

ChilliCheese123 · 06/05/2020 18:51

Listen it’s a mistake and an honest one. Don’t dwell on it too much or you’ll drive yourself mad !

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 06/05/2020 18:54

Look- you put your foot in it but you apologised for it. What more can anyone ask for? You acknowledged you shouldn't have said it. Its really wrong for her to continue to berate you about this.

None of us are perfect and that certainly includes your neighbour whom I'm sure hasn't acted "perfectly" in every situation they've ever been in! You didnt murder anyone, you made a mistake- thats all. You need to let it go now and leave her be. Its her choice to remain angry about it but that doesnt mean you have to spend the rest of your life feeling guilty. You have apologised and if she chooses to remain angry then thats on her, not you.

CrimeAndMumishment · 06/05/2020 18:55

I think sending flowers is a mistake, as it's putting your feelings above your neighbour's and kind of forcing her to forgive you.

Just let it lie, you said sorry, that's enough.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/05/2020 18:56

@Tulipstulips

at my mum’s funeral someone said to me, “It was a lovely service. Oh your mum would have loved it”. I was all out of tact and said ”I doubt she would have enjoyed her own funeral”. This poor woman just about died. Still feel a bit bad about that, I bet she thinks about it still and cringes.

I know this is your story and this is how you felt but here in Ireland, something like that would be so common to say, and meant, and taken, as words of comfort.

When my dad died, we all said it to each other (it was a huge funeral, remember it's Ireland so people just come, no invites, and he'd have been thrilled, seeing everyone there!) and it helped. I'd often say it to the bereaved, meaning exactly as this lady did, that it was a lovely ceremony that honoured the person who had died.

People said lots of tactless things to me at my dad's funeral - I think people do. (One that stands out was 'you think it's bad losing one parent? Wait till they both die'. Said with my poor mum (in fine health, thankfully!) standing right next to me). But I knew that they meant well & didn't say anything, just thanked them. I know you were grieving but it was mean to say that to the person who was trying to sympathise with you.

Sorry to derail OP I know you didn't mean it and are sorry - other posters are right that you just don't talk about someone possibly dying unless it's been said to you. But you get that & I think flowers are very kind of you.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 06/05/2020 18:58

Yep. It seems there are a lot of people in this thread who in trying to make the OP feel better, either don't understand or don't acknowledge that golden rule

I agree you dont talk about this with people you dont know well but its done now. Unless you can travel back in time there's not much you can do in hindsight. OP has apologised! She has acknoledged it was a mistake. I dont see how loads of people piling in on her telling her how awful it was is going to help in this scenario- she KNOWS sh shouldn't have said it. I'm quite sure everyone in this thread has on occasion said stuff they shouldn't have- noone can say they have been perfect in this area.

what more do you expect her to do?- beat herself with a birch? go to confession? Its over- she has apologised.

LilacTree1 · 06/05/2020 18:58

I do think that was a spectacular fuck up

Please don’t phrase it like that to anyone again.

olympicsrock · 06/05/2020 19:00

OP has a very elderly neighbour she is very fond of. She has needed a lot more care ( ie deteriorated) and is ‘ not doing very well at all’.

She may well be heading for end of life care. It is SO important that we talk about these things before a crisis point when patients and family can make plans respecting the patient’s wishes and dignity. In the U.K. we pussy foot around the subject. It should not be taboo. That was why the relative was so upset.

With covid and hospitals being a dangerous place in terms of acquiring Infections, we need to have realistic discussions about whether frail / elderly patients wish to go into hospital or even have illnesses prolonged with treatment. I think this could be a positive to come out of covid .

billy1966 · 06/05/2020 19:00

OP, go easy on yourself.

That woman is obviously feeling sensitive but she led you to that question and you definitely didn't ask with anything but concern.

Some people love to find offence, when none was ever intended.

She probably feels a little silly this evening.

I would drop some flowers to the sick neighbour, letting her know you are thinking of her.

Go easy on yourself Flowers

Tulipstulips · 06/05/2020 19:07

@EarringsandLipstick I know you were grieving but it was mean to say that to the person who was trying to sympathise with you

Yes I know. As I said, I do still feel a bit bad about it. But I also still think it was a little tactless. My mum died young, suddenly and completely unnecessarily, due to medical malpractice (not just my opinion, it made the news and there was an inquest and compensation etc). She really WOULDN’T have loved her funeral, and none of her family did either.

crosspelican · 06/05/2020 19:11

I know this is your story and this is how you felt but here in Ireland, something like that would be so common to say, and meant, and taken, as words of comfort.

I thought that straight away too!

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 06/05/2020 19:26

It was spectacularly tactless of you. Not only hurtful to the relative but really none of your business unless the family choose to mention it first.

Did you use that phrase because you've been hearing it bandied about a lot recently?

I'm afraid flowers would make it worse. So funereal ...

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