I’ve been really careless with my words

[Pusheenparent]

Bit of backstory...I have a very elderly ndn, I’ve lived here for over 10 years and have always been very fond of said neighbour. These last few years she hasn’t been too well and has had a relative take care of her every need. Relative and I have always gotten on well, exchanging Christmas cards etc.
Then today happens, I’m in the garden pegging washing out and relative pops into ndn garden. I ask how ndn is doing and if we can help in anyway then let us know. Relative replies that ndn isn’t doing well at all and I ask....”Is she receiving end of life care?” (I’ve noticed a lot of carers going in and out this last week). She replies that it’s not end of life but they don’t know if ndn will get better. We had a brief chat about other things and off we went.
She’s now just called to me over the fence and asked me why I asked if it was end of life care? I replied that I’d seen the carers going in and out and partly assumed that it was. She told me I’ve really upset her by asking but said she doesn’t want to fall out with me over it. She was almost in tears and now I feel like the worst person on Earth!
I’m gutted at the thought of upsetting them. I could kick myself!
I think I already know the answer but wibu for asking?

Normally a note might fix things - but the relative might be wary of anything entering the house for fear of virus.

It's not the end of the world. (You touched a nerve though. I'd have been mightily upset if it were my beloved elderly relative.)

As someone who often puts their foot in their mouth. I think the relative was very kind to you: she was upset by your words but decided to confront you about it so it can be cleared up and not come between you in the future. She could have just let it fester and then you would wonder in the future why she is “off with you”.

Having said that, she obviously caught you unaware and you didn’t have the chance to possibly say enough to put her at ease. I’d follow up with a token gesture, maybe a small gift with a short note to say that you are sorry. If you think it might help to say something to maybe make her think that your comment was inappropriately worded rather than incorrect (so “sorry I’ve been thinking about someone else who is also receiving end of life care” rather than “I’m sorry I thought she was dying and I was wrong”)

If the neighbor-is not gettin better it may be upsetting to think that others have written her off already.

God I hate these threads where the OP has admitted they were wrong, clearly feels bad about it but poster after poster piles on to tell her how awful she was. It’s unkind and unecessary.

OP I don’t think what you said was that bad. Obviously your friend was upset but I think that was probably the shock of realising her relative could be or could perceived as being near the end of her life rather than because you said something cruel. You didn’t mean to upset anyone and I agree with a pp that it can be beneficial to be frank about death.

You are clearly a nice woman and a good neighbour. I hope I have neighbours like you when I am old. Don’t beat yourself up.

I must be the only person who doesn’t understand what the op said wrong? The elderly neighbour is old and unlikely to get better so IS receiving end of life care? Ok it was blunt but as a neighbour who cares and is offering help a perfectly reasonable question
The relative was understandably bit sensitive but should not have told you off.
Op keep being a concerned and helpful neighbour and all will be well

OP several years ago, I told a friend that my dsis had been taken off the transplant list. My friend (who had themselves lost a brother a few months earlier) asked if she would be going into a hospice. I was absolutely livid with her... because although I knew my sister was going to die, somehow the use of the word ‘hospice’ made it real. I didn’t say anything to my friend - I think that I did realise I was being unreasonable and illogical.

I do not think you have done anything wrong - it’s just that, for whatever reason, a thoughtful comment upset the relative.

She may well be heading for end of life care. It is SO important that we talk about these things before a crisis point when patients and family can make plans respecting the patient’s wishes and dignity. In the U.K. we pussy foot around the subject. It should not be taboo. That was why the relative was so upset
This person is op's neighbour. She would not have any involvement whatsoever with the patient's wishes and dignity, even if the patient was indeed heading towards needing end of life care.
Which she wasn't
What is it with all these people justifying such an intrusive question as being not only normal, but necessary?!

And there's Matilda with another one. "A thoughtful question"...

@Gunpowder spot on

Don’t be yourself up OP.

People who’ve piled in and made the OP feel bad, have a word with yourself.

@Nofunkingworriesmate

End of life care is a very specific sort of care, it's not just the care someone receives when they have a illness they won't recover from, as they may well live for many, many years.

End of life care last days or maybe weeks.

@Nofunkingworriesmate plenty of people have said that they don't think the OP has done anything wrong. You're not the only one at all, just some posters are trying to make her feel bad. You know how some folk kind of seem to enjoy that. it's weird.

I wouldn't have been upset enough by this comment and definitely not enough to bring it up with the OP after the event. As pps have said "not doing well at all" in an old person with a long history of poor health, does suggest that they might not make it. I would just leave it for now. It seems lots of people would hate the remark so the thread has been useful in reminding us what not to say (not that I would have said that anyway as not familiar with the term).

People haven't "piled on"
OP asked us if she was unreasonable for asking. So we answered. Some clearly think she wasn't. Some of us think she was. But even those of us who think it was an unreasonable question to ask, have mostly had some empathy for the OP, because most of us have said something tactless in our lives.

I just don't think anyone is helped (when they've asked if they were unreasonable) if people say they weren't simply to make them feel better. It's more helpful to say 'well yes, you were, but don't worry too much, it will pass'.

I just don't think anyone is helped (when they've asked if they were unreasonable) if people say they weren't simply to make them feel better.

It doesn't occur to you that some people may have said that she wasn't being unreasonable because they actually think that, not just to make her 'feel better'?

Just catching up on my break...
I posted this on AIBU because I wanted honesty. No matter how brutal. Yes some of the replies have upset me a little but they can’t make me feel any worse than I already do.
I’ll be very careful with what I say from now on.
My choice of words to the relative were not thought through, it was just a general conversation and I didn’t for 1 second think I’d upset her until she called me back an hour later.
Thank you to everyone who has tried to make me feel better and thank you to those who have given their honest opinion.
I haven’t written off my ndn. My family and I will be devastated when the worst happens. My children adore her and I know I was only asking the question because I care. I was wrong for assuming her situation and won’t be making the same mistake again.
I’m now doubting if I should send flowers because I don’t want her relative to feel the need to thank me/forgive me...

Go easy on yourself, op. You've had the grace to acknowledge that your words were inappropriate, albeit unintentionally; unlike all the posters insisting what you said was perfectly fine...

I feel really sorry for OP – people aren't being kind on here at all. I can understand assuming that your neighbour might be receiving EOLC if she is 'very elderly' and there are people coming in and out – I mean, it is a possibility, it's just unfortunate that OP put her foot in it. A "get well soon" card and a small something for your neighbour might be a nice gesture.

If you think that's bad then just be glad you're not my neighbour – when my mum was literally being stretchered into an ambulance she decided that was an appropriate time to actually come to the door of the ambulance and ask what was going on she already knew she was terminally ill and we were all crying, so it really shouldn't have been that hard to work it out!!!

At least you realised you put your foot in it OP. Flowers & just a 'thinking of you' would be nice. Next time, maybe stick to asking if there's anything you can do (run an errand, pick up stuff, cook something) is probably a better option. I really couldn't bear discussing my Dad's illness when it was terminal, it was just too awful. But someone doing something practical would have helped massively.

@itmusthavebeencoffee. People seem to love making an OP feel shit on here these days, especially one who sounds like a genuinely nice person. It's weird.

I don't mean disagreeing - that's perfectly fine - but some people are incapable of doing that without sticking the boot in a little as well.

Don’t worry @Pusheenparent we’ve all done the same. In fact, I’ll tell you mine and it still makes my cheeks burn with embarrassment to this day. I had been doing a lot of work with a woman in her thirties who had recently lost her sight in both eyes due to a tragic accident, I mean she literally had no sight. When I first knew her she had an android phone but I had mentioned how great Siri was on the iPhone and I personally considered it better than the equivalent on Android. She said she didn’t like iPhones and that was that.

Roll on about 3 months and I saw her again with a new iPhone and I jokingly said ‘I see you’ve gone over to the dark side’ 🤦‍♀️

If the ground could have swallowed me up in that instant then I would have been very thankful. All I could do is apologise profusely and luckily she laughed. Still felt awful though.

What you could not have known Pusheenparent is how the family of your NDN feel about her condition and what is likely to happen. Perhaps it’s something they haven’t wanted to think about. They might also be feeling stressed if the NDN is needing extra help. It could have been worded better but you know that and we have all said something that did not come out as we intended.

I personally think flowers would be a nice idea.

It's done now. Just forget about it and move on.
No flowers, notes etc needed.
Maybe next time just stick to mundane comments about the weather or something.