I’ve been really careless with my words

[Pusheenparent]

Bit of backstory...I have a very elderly ndn, I’ve lived here for over 10 years and have always been very fond of said neighbour. These last few years she hasn’t been too well and has had a relative take care of her every need. Relative and I have always gotten on well, exchanging Christmas cards etc.
Then today happens, I’m in the garden pegging washing out and relative pops into ndn garden. I ask how ndn is doing and if we can help in anyway then let us know. Relative replies that ndn isn’t doing well at all and I ask....”Is she receiving end of life care?” (I’ve noticed a lot of carers going in and out this last week). She replies that it’s not end of life but they don’t know if ndn will get better. We had a brief chat about other things and off we went.
She’s now just called to me over the fence and asked me why I asked if it was end of life care? I replied that I’d seen the carers going in and out and partly assumed that it was. She told me I’ve really upset her by asking but said she doesn’t want to fall out with me over it. She was almost in tears and now I feel like the worst person on Earth!
I’m gutted at the thought of upsetting them. I could kick myself!
I think I already know the answer but wibu for asking?

Bloody awful thing to ask!! You basically asked if she was about to pop her clogs

^ yep. However, at a funeral I shook someones hand, gave them a huge grin and said how lovely it was to meet them -she was burying her brother! (DH distant relative) 🤦🏼‍♀️ We’ve all said things we wished we hadn’t. Flowers would be a lovely gesture.

@Thisismytimetoshine prize to you for stating the flipping obvious. OP realises that now - that is why she feels so bad

Flowers and a very short note shounds a good idea

You did what you thought was right with the information you had at the time. You didn't know that it would upset her and you didn't set out to deliberately hurt her feelings. I can think of people who would have appreciated a direct question like that rather than some vague question hinting at whether ndn was at death's door. You've apologised and I think dropping round some flowers is a nice touch. But then you need to let it go. We all put our foot in it sometimes, if we didn't it would probably mean that we never spoke to anyone.

I'm guessing ndn relative has perhaps realised how ill your ndn is and your words have highlighted it.

I don't think either of you have done anything wrong, sometimes things just come out wrong don't they?

Flowers and a short note hoping she is feeling better and saying to let you know if there is anything you can do.

Both your slightly blunt remarks and their overreaction are best ignored.

I would have assumed 'isn’t doing well at all' was a euphemism for 'dying' as well. You've apologised and I think the relative knows that although she was upset at you she is also aware she was sensitive because she is concerned about your NDN. The pandemic just makes this situation much worse, it must be so upsetting for her. You have apologised but I wouldn't apologise again. Flowers or a small gift is thoughtful.

Try not to beat yourself up to much about it. Everyone uses different language when talking about death. I've seen people get very annoyed about people talking about 'so and so died', they find it too stark. I know people who can't stand the euphemisms like 'passed away' or 'in a better place', they think the horrible reality of loss should be named.

Bloody awful thing to ask!! You basically asked if she was about to pop her clogs...

I don't see why asking in a caring way about her NDNs care is 'bloody awful'. 'Pop her clogs' is however a trivialising phrase.

Not very tactful no, but what’s done is done. Maybe send her a message / card to apologise

She’ll sleep on it and realise you said nothing out of line, it’s her grief making her more sensitive

OP I thought you were going to say that you thought NDN had the virus & asked that, it would’ve been my first thought.

You're fine - it wasn't an unreasonable question, in the context. Could have been worse!

A woman from a religious organisation my Mum supported came to say a prayer with her in hospital before she died. Mum was a bit out of it and probably didn't know she was dying (it was all v fast), and the bloody woman settles in beside her with her rosary and announces to my Mum "And now we'll pray together for a happy death."

Jesus Christ Almighty but I have never hustled somebody out of a room so fast in my life!

Mum was like "Ooooh - was there somebody here moment ago?"

So no matter what you said to your NDN's relative, you can rest assured that it could always have gone a lot worse!

I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit offended by this. I say that as the relative of someone who has sadly had end of life care (at much too young an age).

Let it go OP, don’t worry, you sound a lovely person

It was an odd assumption and insensitive question.

So if you understand that - you need to message back how sorry you are and that you weren’t thinking. Reiterate your fondness for the ndn and stress what a great job she has done

Thanks again everyone.
@Thisismytimetoshine yes I now realise that it was a ‘bloody awful thing to ask’ and that’s why I now feel dreadful about it.
I genuinely only asked because I care though. I hate the thought of not being able to see ndn again because of COVID restrictions.
I wish I could take it back but I can’t.
I will deliver flowers tomorrow and move on.

That is not a normal question. Incredibly insensitive.

I'd send flowers.

"it wasn't an unreasonable question, in the context."

Not an unreasonable question??

Jeez, it was just about the most unreasonable thing Op could have asked imo!

Perhaps the relative was concerned that a carer had said something?

You apologised though Op & I'm sure if the relative knows you care they'll realise that it wasn't said to deliberately upset or from morbid curiosity.

Hmm. I don't think you said anything too awful.

I'm a health care professional and my experience is that as a society we pussy foot around about death. It's part of life but on the whole people are very insulated from it. Much better to be open, honest and realistic.

I don't use euphemisms professionally there is so much possibility for misunderstandings and I think you were actually pretty tactful.

But the neighbour is neither dead nor dying, opinionated

Oh you’re a good person and that’s why you feel this way. You were just saying what your logic was telling you. Drop her off a lovely handwritten note on some nice paper and ask her over for a cup of tea - older ladies love that sort of thing. Tell her you’ll be thinking positive things or praying or whatever is suitable. You can totally come back from this xxx

We're in a fecking lockdown. Ask her over for a nice cup of tea... wtf?

Drop her off a lovely handwritten note on some nice paper and ask her over for a cup of tea - older ladies love that sort of thing. Tell her you’ll be thinking positive things or praying or whatever is suitable.

Please don’t do this.

Yep, sorry. Hugely insensitive. I have no idea why others on here think that it was a reasonable thing to ask.
But I have sympathy for your anguish. Most of us have said something stupid in our lives. I know I have.

Don't overdo the multiple apologies. That puts pressure on the person to think that they have to make YOU feel better. And this lady has enough on her plate without having to take responsibility for you.

So if you must send flowers, simply put "from pusheen" and don't expect to hear any more.

We all make mistakes.

Go and see her and tell her what you have said on here.

You sound a nice person.

I wouldn't have come back to tell you you'd upset me! You obviously meant well and had been a good neighbour for 10 years - I think the relative should have overlooked your mistake.

@Thisismytimetoshine
But the neighbour is neither dead nor dying
This has actually shocked me into realising how I made relative feel. Things are, of course, obviously nowhere near as bad as I thought they were. Thanks for your honesty.

@MNnicknameforCVthreads sorry for your loss.

If needs be, I’ll update tomorrow.